No Statue For Bobby

Everyone's favorite Polish crooner, Bobby Vinton, did a noble thing and saved the residents of Canonsburg, PA $100.000. Way to go, Bobby! He defnitely deserves credit for this, in my opinion.



- Bobby Vinton Nixes Statue in Pennsylvania

Moore The Merrier

Michael Moore is doing preliminary work on a documentary that focuses on the evils of our nation's pharmecutical companies. At least that is what Wyeth, AstraZeneca, GlaxoSmithKline, Sanofi-Aventis and Synthelabo fear. The six companies sent out internal memos warning employees of Moore's potential exploits, and forbidding them to speak to him.



Well, the joke's on them. Moore is, in reality, planning a film about rampant internal memos in huge corporations. And I bet they won't even see it coming. Tentatively titled Internal Bleeding, it showcases hundreds of potentially humiliating internal memos from a vast array of companies. Moore cannot possibly be denied the Oscar this time out.

Miracle At Borough Hall Station

One of the greatest things about Christmas in New York is the subway musicians you are lucky enough to occasionally hear over the racket of the train. This morning, my commute was rendered divine by a mystery guitar player/singer known only as Michael. He plays an acoustic Cameo guitar and wear boots. Also, he has a wonderful ability to play everything as though it were a talking blues song. The best example of this is his fantastic rendition of Melle Mel's "The Message," performed as though it were a Jimmy Reed song. Fantastic! Totally made my day.

Michael O'Donoghue Quote Of The Day: #1

"The funniest thing to me is a movie producer doing Quaaludes, falling asleep in his hot tub and parboiling. I don't know if it has ever actually happened, but the idea is sure humorous to me."

- Michael O'Donoghue

Woman Jailed For Being Terrible Liar

Note: when you make up a lie about why you cannot perform jury duty, make sure it's a damn good one.



- Woman Jailed for Lying to Leave Jury Duty

Kirstie Alley Sells Out

Kirstie Alley, star of an upcoming television series on Showtime called "Fat Actress," is now endorsing Jenny Craig's program to lose weight. I just can't figure out which is more of a sellout.



-'Fat Actress' Kirstie Alley Chooses Jenny Craig to Lose Weight

George W. Bush Time's Man Of The Year 2004

Needless to say, I was disappointed by this, not only because W simply doesn't deserve it, but also because he was already chosen as Time's Man Of The Year in 2000 (and didn't desevre it then). There is an almost suspcious lack of ingenuity on Time's part here. I almost would have pereferred Karl Rove (because I could have just reposted this graphic).



Here's a man who's not the least bit disappointed. To the contrary, he's ecstatic to the point of being an unforgivably bad journalist with the unlikely name of J. Grant Swank, Jr. "J" writes for MichNews.com, heralding themselves as "Most In-depth, Conservative, Honest News & Commentary" on their banner. Here's what Swank has to say about Time's choice:

Smart choice: Bush Will Be Regarded As Planet Safety President. The world would wish to continue whistling the happy tunes. America in particular is crazed with entertainment-centered lifestyles. To warn the US of impending doom is to be a party spoiler. That’s the risk that the United States President George W. Bush takes when he cautions the nation — and the planet — of terrorists’ killing instincts. It’s like being told that it’s time to go to the dentist. Not so. Put it off. Deny the appointment.

Wait! It gets eeven more difficult to understand what he's talking about:

One thing is certain: future years will look back on the Bush administration to realize the wisdom locked into warp and woof of Mr. Bush’s policies.One role that Mr. Bush has played out with utter sincerity is the parental role. He, though not that old, has lived out the fatherly care for the country. The liberals deride that as pampering the public. The press thinks it’s a sign of weakness. The thoughtless just don’t give it a thought.

Yeah, but....that's how they became thoughtless, right? Don't knock people for doing their jobs.



More lines:

"Russia is now dealing in major awful accent with killers’ instincts played out in blood rivers aplenty."

I'm trying hard to follow this. Is he saying that Russian dudes with accents and killer instincts are playing in rivers of blood? I realize I'm taking this too literally.

Terrorists are bent on finding every weak link going. In that, they strategize their arms to lay low the innocent.

Okay, here he's saying that the terrorists... I have no idea.



Jesus! Lassie can articulate better than this guy. Apparently, writing in a faux-biblical style is supposed to give your argument more weight.

Rich Scumbag Buys Really Expensive Apartment

Rupert Murdoch is in the process of buying a Manhattan penthouse for 44 million dollars in cash -- a record price for a residence in one of the world's most costly real estate markets. The cash stipulation is, presumably, because no bank can cover the loan.



The penthouse atop 834 Fifth Avenue is a 2 billion square foot triplex, overlooking Paris, London and the West Indes and the Mona Lisa, and, oh yeah, Central Park also.



I don't know about you, but I am incredibly embittered by this. It's bad enough that this guy's right-wing-propaganda-sheet-posing-as-a-newspaper (better known as The New York Post) is in this town, I don't want HIM here as well. Why doesn't he set up shop in a red state if he's so fond of our current president? I mean, the guy is richer than God.



It's only more proof that money is wasted on rich progeny.

Queen Doesn't Need Paul Rodgers

When I learned about Roger Taylor and Brian May planning to tour as Queen, I grumbled not. But touring with Paul "Bad Company" Rodgers? Now we've got a problem. Here's a guy who ruined two perfectly good bands: Free, by causing every other member to bolt, and Mott the Hoople, by tempting their guitarist, Mick Ralphs, with the promises of rock stardom and, more importantly, rock royalties. The Firm were simply beneath my contempt.



A certain friend of mine, we'll refer to him as Dan Nester, had this to say about it:

Paul Rodgers, to my mind, is a singer from their generation, a meat-and-potatoes rock and blues guy, which is where Brian and Roger began back in the day--they were a jam band, playing blues. I'm looking forward to them doing "Son and Daughter" from the first album, or maybe "Sleeping on a Sidewalk" from News Of The World. If anyone is going to call themselves Queen, it's gonna be them. Who else would? This, to my mind, is a more appealing idea to the fans than a Queen-themed musical.

Rationalization, anyone? I think most ideas on this earth hold more appeal than a Queen-based musical. This is hardly the point. Freddie Mercury was more than a singer, he was practically the band's very identity. As a long-suffering Who fan, I barely was able to tolerate the idea of The Who minus Keith Moon; minus John Entwislte is an entirely different matter. They should hang it up. It's over.



Also, the idea of an old singer who is obviously past his prime regurgitating old songs hardly seems a fitting addition to this band's legacy. At the very least, they should have someone who is capable of putting on a show. That's right, I'm talkin' Diamond Dave himself. David Lee Roth is still pretty much in top physical shape, and you gotta admit, it would be interesting to hear him sing "Seven Seas of Rhye." C'mon Roger and Brian, give Dave a chance. you know he's good for bringing the rock. And at least Dave's been a member of one great band, unlike Paul Rodgers (Free is a seriously overrated group, people).

Reg Strikes George, George Strikes Back

Jesus! This Elton guy sure is a bitchy one. He said of George Michael in a recent interview: "George is in a strange place. There appears to be a deep-rooted unhappines in his life." He also described Michael's most recent album as "disappointing." George Michael retorted, saying

"Elton John knows very little about George Michael and that's a fact. Contrary to the public's impression, we have spoken rarely in the last 10 years and what would probably surprise most people is that we have never discussed my private life. Ever. He knows I don't like to tour, I smoke too much pot and my albums still have a habit of going to Number One. In other words, he knows as much as most of my fans. What he doesn't know is I have rarely been as happy and confident as I am today, thanks to my partner Kenny and the continued support of my fans. If I stay at home too much, if anything it is because I am too contented right now. I have travelled the world many times and at 41, I think I have earned the right to a quiet life, which I truly love, and maybe Elton just can't relate to that. He makes millions playing those old classics day in and day out, whereas my drive and passion is still about the future and the songs I have yet to write for the public."

Hmmm...maybe George is the bitchy one. And, uh, on what planet are George Michael albums going to number one these days (Planet UK, allegedly)? How much pot is this guy smoking? Enough to refer to himself in the third person, obviously.



Okay, I guess I'm the bitchy one.

Jack Phillips: Man For Hire

Well, I don't usually pimp my friends put for work-related purposes, but Jack Phillips is looking for employment. He just got back into town from Los Angeles, which incidentally is Spanish for "The Angeles." Anyway, he has extensive experience in Desktop Publishing, Web Design, etc. So, potential employers, I urge you to check out his resume and see for yourself.



Click here to download his resume.

Someone Up There Like Us!

In this age of intolerance masquerading as morality, what better for all you sinners out there than a doomed claymation boy and his demonic talking dog? That's right, Davey & Goliath are back on the air. After 30 years, the Lutheran church is reviving the 1960s-era animated series for a holiday special, "Davey & Goliath's Snowboard Christmas," on the Hallmark Channel Dec. 19. In this episode, Davey makes a snide reference to Jesus "not being so great". In response, Goliath convinces Davey to die for everyone's sins by electrocuting himself with a vintage toaster.



Actually, the story involves Davey demonstrating his snowboarding skills to two friends: Sam, a Jewish boy, and Yasmeen, a Muslim girl. Each of them discuss how they celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah and Ramadan, respectively. Yasmeen wins the snowboarding race in the end, a symbol of her god simply being better.



But seriously, Art Clokey, the show's creator, has expresssed concern that the message that God loves all people has been lost amid more judgmental religious fare.

"The church wanted it to be about love and tolerance, and that's not the face of Christianity in America," he said. "In the '60s and '70s, Christianity was more of a liberal faction. There are still millions of liberal Christians who go to church, but they are not represented on TV anymore."

Agreed. From almost all vantage points, this is a most welcome return.

Melt The Press, Vol 1. : 12/10/04

- On the set of Meet The Fockers, Barbra Streisand has reportedly used so much Botox that the world’s supply of botchulism is now depleted.



- Apparently, the American soldiers stationed in Iraq weren't supposed to ask the Secretary of Defense actual questions about defense. Rumsfeld was "set up" by Chattanooga Times Free Press reporter Edward Lee Pitts, who coached soldiers to ask Secretary Rumsfeld (gasp!) relevant questions.



- Apparently, Lindsay Lohan lip syncs. It's not like anyone's really being fooled here. Let it go, people.

Everybody, Tommy Chong Tonight!

Tommy Chong will be appearing in "The Marijuana-Logues" starting Tuesday, December 7th.



In May 2003, the actor-writer-director pleaded guilty to conspiring to sell drug paraphernalia. Chong also pleaded guilty on behalf of his business, Nice Dreams Enterprises, which made a line of marijuana bongs and pipes. He spent nine months in jail, but that hasn't stopped him from reuniting with his former comedic collaborator. The U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen has added a special Cheech & Chong reunion to its lineup, the festival taking place February 9-13, 2005. Also, tentative plans are being made for the first full-length film since 1984's Corsican Brothers.



"The Marijuana-Logues" features Chong at New York's Actors Playhouse through Dec. 19.

Attack Of The Monster Thickburger

My cousin pointed this out to me yesterday. I guess this post is a companion piece for my Pulitzer Prize-winning Taco Bell expose from months past. Didn't these people watch Super Size Me? Don't they know that too much of this beef and pork stuff causes hypertension, diabetes, impatient cow syndrome, the gout and other bad things?



Part of me loves the idea of this product, because I side with the underdog as a reflex, and I must admit in myneck of the woods, Hardee's is definitely the underdog. Also, this type of enormous meal has become the underdog, though undeniably for the good of the planet. I guess Hardee's figures that no self-respecting lawyer is going to file a class-action lawsuit against lil' ol' them, so why not give the people what they want, even if they shouldn't have it? You have to admit, it's almost always good marketing to go against the tide, especially if appears to be a better value.



The good news is, I've heard through the grapevine that Charlize Theron will gain 200 pounds and perform between two sesame seed buns in order to play the title role in the film Monster Thickburger, which Hollywood insiders are already dubbing "a classic sandwich".

Down At The Poetry Club

The reading party for Gamers: Writers, Artists, and Programmers on the Pleasures of Pixels Saturday night at Bowery Poetry Club was an amazing success. Katie Degentesh, Shannon Holman, K. Thor Jensen, Luis Jaramillo, Mark Lamoureux, Daniel Nester and Mauren Thorson all turned in fabulous readings. Drew Gardner did an absolutely wonderful sound piece using sampled audio from a game called Gravitar (I've never heard of it either). Very Eno-esque and gorgeous. Dan Nester and I performed some musical comedy numbers, much to the delight of a mysterious fellow that I dubbed "Doctor Who" because of his long coat and even longer scarf (I'm only glad no one was injured). As Dan, Maisie and I were leaving, he stopped us to say how funny we were, and that he was on mushrooms. Let me say that I certainly would not have wanted to witness our act while on mushrooms, so I think this likely lad deserves more than a little praise. Especially given that the sound man was operating the soundboard in very masturbatory fashion, pushing the reverb levels to a uniquely dangerous level. Had Tom Ridge been on the job, he'd have raised the reverb threat grade by at least a few Pantone colors.



All in all, a wonderful evening. If you haven't yet, buy the Gamers book. It's, as they say in Sweden, "a book." A terrific fun read as well.

Do Yourself A Favor: Go To Doug's Art Show

When I say that you should go see Doug's artwork tomorrow night at Madarts, it's truly for your own good. As you can see, Doug is not above scare tactics (and I can tell you firsthand that they're not merely tactics). Let me put it this way: your head may not be a pecan pie, but it's not far off either. Capeesh?

Date: Saturday, December 4, 2004
Time: 8:00 pm til ???
Location: 255 18th Street, Brooklyn (bet. 5th and 6th Ave.)
Refreshments: Definitely
Nearest Subway: R or M at Prospect Avenue

Miss it at your own risk.

TV PIX is Back! Sorta....

Check it out, cats and kittens! TV PIX is online. Sure, it's not quite the same, but take a look.

Toby Keith Launches Restaurant Chain

Toby Keith, world famous country singer, has finally agreed to put his name on a new restaurant franchise. Called Toby Keith's Angry American Bar & Grill, Keith said the restaurant would have an atmosphere he approves of:

"Anyone who doesn't have one of those dumb-ass red, white and blue ribbon stickers that destroys the resale value of your car and solely exists to obnoxiously support the sending of our troops into harm's way unnecessarily will not even be allowed in."

Keith, who released his 20th Greatest Hits collection this week, says that "it's not a lot to ask of y'all for some good food. And I know that God would want you to eat here." Keith also denies the recent reports that he recently hired two assistants to drape an American flag behind him at all times. "It's just a coincidence," Keith says.

I Think I'll Paint a 7

Whilst composing a "best of super-old Sesame Street clips" DVD, I came across this clip featuring Paul Benedict and Stockard Channing from about 1969 or so. It involves a man who obsessively paints numbers wherever he goes. This particular clip carries a certain sentimental value. A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) loved this clip so much that, after an evening of seriously heavy drinking, he decided to emulate it in our mutual friend's grandmother's driveway. The next morning, she awoke to find the words "Hmmm...I Think I'll Paint A 7" in enormous white painted letters. Instead of calling the police, she gave my anonymous friend 24 hours to clean it up, and out of the goodness of my heart, I helped.



This one's for you, anonymous.



Click here to download.

Gamers and Shakers

On December 1st, Soft Skull Press will release Gamers: Writers, Artists, and Programmers on the Pleasures of Pixels, edited by Shanna Compton. During one the promotional events for this book, Dan Nester and I will be performing arcade-related songs between readings. Trouble is, we are having a bit of trouble coming up with appropriate titles. Here's what we have thus far:

• "Pac Man Fever" by Buckner and Garcia (a bit obvious, but only if you were a child of the 80's)
• "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
• I wanted to do "Whatever Happened to Pong?" by Frank Black (hardly a crowdpleaser)
• "By The Time I Get To Phoenix" maybe?

So, as you can see, we're way open for suggestions. Anybody?

Tom Jones Live At Irving Plaza, 11/18/04

"They say the mind's the second thing to go," joked Tom Jones to the sell-out crowd at Irving Plaza last night. "Trouble is, I've forgotten what the first thing was."



Well, it certainly wasn't his voice. Jones sounded better last night than I have ever heard him. His delivery and timing were perfect, his song selection exquisite. It amazed me how infrequently he relied on his old hits, and how little it mattered. He went through a dazzling array of moods and tempos, going from Bobby "Blue" Bland's "Who Will The Next Fool Be?" to a sublime rendition of Bob Seger's "We Got Tonight" in two moves.



After performing an excellent rendition of Howlin' Wolf's "Three Hundred Pounds of Heavenly Joy," retitled to accomodate Jones' slighter frame, Jones joked to the crowd. "Lucky for me, I'm only two hundred pounds!" The crowd roared.



All in all, it was a perfect performance. He couldn't put a foot wrong. I have never seen such an outpouring of love from a New York crowd to a performer.



The set list was (roughly) as follows:

• Tom Jones International
• Mama Told Me Not to Come
• Who Will the Next Fool Be?
• Delilah
• Just Help Yourself
• We Got Tonight
• She's a Lady
• If I Only Knew
• My Baby
• I Want to Thank You
• Mama & Daddy
• 200 Lbs Of Heavenly Joy
• At the End of the Road
• What Am I Living For
• I'll Never Fall in Love Again
• Green Green Grass Of Home
• What's New Pussycat
• You Can Leave Your Hat On
• Sex Bomb
• It's Not Unusual
• High Heel Sneakers
• Kiss
• Linda Lu
• Slow Down
• Life's Too Short to be With You

Target and Wal-Mart Merge

In order to compete with the recent merger of Kmart and Sears, Target and Wal-Mart have also decided to join forces. Renaming themselves Tar-Mart, they offer "goods at ridiculously low giveaway prices." The aim, according to spokesperson Perry Frank, is "to show our customers that we care enough about their budgets to employ child labor if necessary." When asked to elaborate, Frank added "We have nothing against child labor. Children are small, they eat less than adults, and there are fewer space issues when we lock them in our stores overnight. So, as long as they don't unionize or request healthcare, I say we're on to a winner here."

The Eagles Launch "Death Warmed Over" Tour

The Eagles, who have been on their "Farewell 1" tour (don't tell them, they thinks it's a clever title) for about eight years now, have announced yet another shamelessly-priced North American pilgrimage: $75, $175 and $250 for the really good seats where you can actually watch the paint dry up close (That's actually unfair. If you were watching paint dry, there would be some actual movement).



Now, it's no secret to anyone who knows me that I hate the Eagles. I mean REALLY hate the Eagles. I view them as a souless ripoff of a formula created and perfected by Gram Parsons and Chris Hillman, first with the Byrds and later with the Flying Burrito Brothers. The Eagles took this style called "country rock," commercialized it and made huge amounts of money in the process. One of the most boring live bands ever, they stand completely still delivering their corporate garbage to the masses.



Keep in mind that none of these comments are aimed at Joe Walsh, who I adore and whose soul I pray for every waking day. They are mostly directed Don Henley, who is one the most snide, self-righteous, humorless individuals ever to draw breath, exhibiting total contempt for his audience (at least on that we agree).



In 1998, when their Hell Freezes Over tour (another clever title) was starting, Henley had the audacity to sue the nonprofit National Foundation to Protect America's Eagles for using eagles.org as their web address. If that's not enough of a reason to hate them, then fine. You probably like Celine Dion, The Dave Matthews Band and fiberglass underwear. So, nyah!



I actually feel better now. Thanks for stopping by.

A Stranger In The House

I was talking to my sister for the first time in a long time yesterday. She is a nurse and mother of two who lives in Warminster, Pennsylvania in a house of enviable proportions (especially if you live in New York). We got to talking about her kids, her job and the films she no longer has the time to see, when she casually drops the bomb. "You know I voted for Bush, right?" Needless to say, I was stunned. I never imagined that she would camp with the enemy. Twenty minutes later, after regaining consciousness, I said something resembling "..Um..(ahem)...WHAT!?!?! What the %$#^!%$#@@%$!" And so on. I finally asked her why she would do such a thing. She replied "I didn't like Kerry." "Well..then why?.....Oh, never mind." I quickly realized that it didn't matter, Kerry took Pennsylvania anyway. I guess the point here really is that you may think you know your family, but take it from me, you DON'T. But blood is thicker than your average politician, so I've decided to forgive her.



But only because Kerry took Pennsylvania.

Cheney Still Not Dead

Vice President Dick Cheney was pronounced "officially not dead" after leaving a routine checkup performed "just to make sure the sadistic fucker doesn't croak," said an unnamed source. "Yeah, that would be just terrrrible!" the source added sarcastically. "If I didn't take his complaints about shortness of breath seriously, and then something happened.. Wow, I just would NEVER be able to forgive myself" he added, rolling his eyes. "He should have saved some of that breath during the campaign, right? RIGHT?" he repeated as our reporter walked away.

Did Kerry Actually Win?

According to Tompaine.com writer Greg Palast, Kerry actually won the popular vote in Ohio, as well as New Mexico, after all.

Today, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reports there are a total of 247,672 votes not counted in Ohio, if you add the 92,672 discarded votes plus the 155,000 provisional ballots. So far there's no indication that Palast's hypothesis will be tested because only the provisional ballots are being counted.

So, perversely, I actually feel better that there was fraud involved in this election (I cannot handle the notion that Bush won fairly). Not so for Palast, who says "I used to write a column for the Guardian papers in London. Several friends have asked me if I will again leave the country. In light of the failure—a second time—to count all the votes, that won't be necessary. My country has left me."

We're All Ashlee Simpson

Nekesa Mumbi Moody makes a rather weak case in defense of Ashlee Simpson by suggesting that lip synching has always been rampant in popular music and presenting the following examples as evidence:

- Now-classic footage from shows like "American Bandstand" featured artists lip-synching.

- Michael Jackson mouthed part of his superstar-making moment on the "Motown 25" TV show in 1983.

- Whitney Houston's spine-chilling rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" at the 1991 Super Bowl was prerecorded.

- And perhaps the only moments when Britney Spears did not lip-synch during her recent tour was when she said hello and goodbye to her audience.

Actually, Britney's hello and goodbye were prerecorded. Seriously though, I feel that Moody misses the whole point here. None of these shows actually feature live music. These programs exist to plug a product; in Whitney's case, the product is democracy.



We as a nation are not only taking this opportunity to attack Ashlee, but also what she stands for: the corporate celebrity machine posing as music. Saturday Night Live, a program that once featured artists such as Sun Ra, The Preservation Hall Jazz Band and Captain Beefheart, now has its "musical" segment sponsored by Budweiser and exclusively features boring corporate rock and hip hop acts. Saturday Night Live is a shadow of its former self, that must be said, but outting a single program only obscures the symptoms of the greater illness. Corporate music not only sucks, but is becoming alarmingly less musical with each passing year. Eminem lip-synched during his SNL performance the week following Simpson's and nobody batted an eyelid. It hardly seems to matter; the performances are so homogenized, how can you possibly tell the difference?



"Must Simpson bear the cross alone, while all the entertainment world goes free?" Moody asks. Hardly. She's only being ridiculed because she got caught, and it was graceless, ugly and pathetic. She's young, she can take it. Since when does being a celebrity place you above ridicule? Mark my words, the publicity will do wonders for her career in a society lacking in taste, common sense and accountability.

A Message From Al

I wanted to post this message from Al Franken because I think everyone should read it:





MESSAGE FROM AL



Anytime you lose like this, there’s a certain amount of Wednesday-morning quarterbacking and woulda-coulda-shoulda. I have no regrets myself, but as I look back at Kerry’s campaign, there are a couple of points where, if he had it all to do over again, I think he should have done it differently.



For example, in the first debate, Kerry announced that he would put our national security decisions in the hands of France. He said very explicitly that we would have to pass a global test before using force. I think a lot of us watching at the time thought that that was a mistake.



Also, of course, the flip-flops, especially those about Iraq. Voting, as you know, for the war, then against it, for it, then against it-having, as Sean Hannity said, literally 80 different positions. I wish he could have chosen one position and stuck with it.



Kerry’s decision to ban the Bible. That was a huge mistake, especially in very Christian areas. That might have gone over fine in atheist communities, but it cost him big everywhere else.



And then proposing a health care system that would impose an enormous federal bureaucracy and give medical decisions to paper-pushers in Washington, and in France.



And going back to Vietnam, the way he lied about what happened, inflicted those wounds on himself to get those medals, and then threw them out-I think that was a mistake. Of course, that was a mistake that he made back then, decades ago. But he could have been more honest about it now.



A lot of people talk about Bush’s record, and what he might do in the next term, but what this really comes down to is character. And ceding your doctor’s authority to France, and the flip-flops, and shooting himself in the leg to win a medal-I guess those things just overcame the awful, failed presidency of George W. Bush.



***



You know I wouldn’t mind losing an election if it were an honest disagreement, based on facts, over values and policy. But that’s not what happened. A large majority of Bush supporters went to the polls believing things that were false. For example, any of the above. They believed lies about Kerry, and they believed lies about Iraq, and they believed lies about Bush.



We’re not going to heal this country as long as we have a president who won’t be accountable, who won’t tell the truth, who is willing to campaign with a vicious dishonesty that is unprecedented.



After Barry Goldwater was crushed by Lyndon Johnson in 1964, the right decided to take a long view. They poured literally billions of dollars into creating the right-wing infrastructure that dominates our politics today. They built up the American Enterprise Institute, the Heritage Foundation, the Media Research Center, and now Fox News Channel-and many other organizations, above and below the radar. Though they won the White House in 1968, it took them thirty years to reach their ascendancy in 1994.



Our side just started. Air America went on the air seven months ago. Normally, incumbent presidents either win by a landslide or lose by a landslide, and a year or two ago, people thought it would be an overwhelming Bush victory. It wasn’t. For an incumbent wartime president, this was a close race. And we’ve created a movement to take this country back. Even though we didn’t do it this time, I believe that we will still do it.



The other side wants us to get demoralized, but we are going to fight. We are going to fight every step of the way.



Round two starts now.





-Al Franken

The Bad Guys Win: Slightly Less Than 50% Of Nation Seriously Bummed

Well, what can I say? "There is no God" comes to mind.



President George W. Bush won this election fair and square, even I have to admit that. Though you could argue that he was given the opportunity only because he stole the first one, but that would be too bitter a sentiment.



Maybe I overestimated my country. Maybe there really are more thems than us's, a notion that literally hadn't occurred to me until now. But at least I live in New York City, a nation unto itself. And, hey, we did manage to elect Chuck Schumer for another term. So it ain't all bad, right?



I'm just kind of glad it's over so we can start talking about something else.



Offhand, I can't think of anything. Any suggestions?

Baked Ziti Endorses John Kerry For President

We've been deliberating for months, but we at bakedziti.net have come to the tough decision to endorse Sen. John Kerry for President of the United States. Though it may come as a shock to some of our faithful readers, we truly felt that we could not, in good conscience, endorse President Bush for another term. Largely because of his bad breath. Though this may seem frivolous method of determining which candidate to support, believe me it is still the best way. Also, our president cannot tie a tie to save his life, have you noticed that? I mean, the appendage usually ends below the crotch area. I don't know how he manages it, frankly. In a perfect world, he wouldn't be able to score a job in the White House cafeteria, let alone the top spot. And the fake Texas accent, urgh! He grew up in Connecticut, how does he have a Texas accent? And his ears stick out. I can't have a president whose ears stick out! What will my friends living abroad think?



Oh yeah, and the total abuse of power throughout his administration. That's a good one. Lying about the weapons of mass destruction; placing hundreds of soldiers in harm's way unnecessarily; using the Patriot Act as a means of silencing those who disagreed with the Iraq War; outing Valerie Plame, then lying about it; denying the Bush family's ties to Saudi Arabia; lying about his military service, then smearing John Kerry's war record; trying to prevent African-Americans from voting (the 2000 election and this one)...need I continue?



Yeah, we couldn't back a candidate like that. We'll endorse Kerry, thank you very much.

A Very Baked Ziti Flashback: "Hard Times"

This musical curio was an unqualified hit just before the 1992 elections. It utilizes sampled quotes from George Herbert Walker Bush and turns them into quite a clever little ditty. The artist was known as "Fresh Bush and The Invisible Man," a monicker used (most likely) to avoid a lawsuit. Given the fact that there was no video or any real promotion, "Hard Times" got a considerable amount of radio airplay at the time, and it sounds every bit as relevant today. Enjoy!



Click here to download the mp3.

It Can't Happen Here

This appeared in today's New York Post. Apparently, CBS is considering a "Friends"-type television sitcom titled Cobble Hill to be set (where else?) in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn. Though I technically live in Boerum Hill (a few doors down at most), I am extremely wary of this one.



As evidence for the prosecution, let's consider Cookin' In Brooklyn, a truly godawful show on the Discovery Home channel. What could have been a good show about cuisine around the Smith Street area turned out to be a terrible cooking show that tries to be a bad sitcom. For example,

Episode 1: Don't Call Me Cyrano - Alan's friend Paul uses some delicious appetizers prepared by Alan to woo his new girlfriend Amber, but when they turn out to be a hit, chaos ensues as Amber decides Paul is a good enough cook that he should prepare her dinner as well!

And it's at least as bad as it sounds, believe me. No one wanted the show to be worthwhile more than I did. Chaos not only ensued, but was victorious without breaking a sweat.



Now, what CBS has here is an idea for what will most likely be a bad sitcom. Think of the possibilities! I can see the opening montage now (music courtesy of the Cobble Hillbillies): the cast members impishly placing a fake mustache on that Michelin man in front of Robin des Bois before being chased away, followed by much giggling; a Laverne & Shirley-style zoom out of the Williamsburgh Bank Building, the top of which now reads "Welcome Brooklyn Visitors", etc., etc.



Maybe I'm just a curmudgeon, but I don't want my neighborhood to be famous. Not like this.

Dunleavy's Open Letter To John Kerry

Steve Dunleavy, in this morning's New York Post, has written an open letter to John Kerry in support of George W. Bush's election (I refuse to use the term "re-election"). In the next few days, Dunleavy's son, Peter, will be reporting for duty in Iraq. Dunleavy's response to Kerry "making it look like those guys and gals are just victims — wrong war, wrong time, wrong place [a phrase he repeats three times in the letter]", sounds remarkably as though it were directly lifted from Rush Limbaugh's transcripts:

How dare he say that to our brave boys and girls? How dare he whisper it — let alone shout it to the whole world?

Now, I can see how someone with no particular vested interest in the Iraq war could be so deliberately blind to the faults of our current administration, but how can someone whose son is being sent to Iraq take this stance? How can you, at this point, deny that the U.S. invaded Iraq under false pretenses? Or question that this administration isn't coming close to spending enough money to protect our soldiers with simple things like body armor? And how can you possibly take the stance that if you are not in support of this war, you are not supporting our troops? If you are a mere armchair quarterback, like most supporters of this war, then it's understandable.



It is clear from the article that Dunleavy's son wanted no part of his Dad's political grandstanding:

Now I am somewhere in Oklahoma to see off Capt. Pete, 37, my eldest boy. I ask him what he makes of Kerry's talk. "Dad, we don't listen to politicians. We listen to our commanding officers," he says, growing bored already with the conversation.

Dunleavy goes on to call Jane Fonda "Kerry's soul mate." This struck me as familiar. This is mainly because linking Kerry with Jane Fonda is exactly what the Bush propaganda film Stolen Honor tries to do. What a coincidence.



As despicable as it sounds, I get the feeling that Dunleavy didn't even write this letter, or he was forced to write it, as it reads exactly like the piece of right-wing propaganda it is. The only thing missing is the "Americans are safer" tag.



I honestly feel that Army Capt. Peter J. Dunleavy is a victim, not only of this administration, but of his father's wicked exploitation.



Just how powerful is this Murdoch guy?

Ashlee Simpson Scheduled To Pretend To Sing Live Again Tonight

After infamously failing to perform the simple act of lip synching on SNL, Ashlee Simpson walked off before the end of her second number, then blamed her band for the fact that she posseses no discernible talent. Ashlee Simpson will go through the motions of performing again in Las Vegas for NBC's "Radio Music Awards" tonight at 9 p.m. The walkoff is scheduled for about 9:14 p.m., "but you never know with these unpredictable musicians," said Joe Simpson, Ashlee's manager/father.



Elton John dismissed Ashlee in the press this morning as a "filthy pig" and a "worthless tart," before asking "Who's Ashlee Simpson? Is that O.J.'s wife? Well, anyway, she's a filthy pig!""



[UPDATE: I have been asked to point out that Elton John did not actually say the preceding quotes. I was making a joke regarding what a grouchy bastard he's been lately. I apologize to Elton, his family and whoever has been negatively afftected by this.]

The Potential For Joy In Mudville

Okay, so the Red Sox won. But let me present these simple facts about Boston:

-Their bars still close at midnight.
-They are, after nine years, still heavily mired in the Big Dig.
-They are the proud home of the Boston Strangler
-They are overrun with colleges (as opposed to us who are overrun run by one college (NYU)
-Boston traffic is horrendous
-They have those silly Stop & Shops as opposed to our far superior Key Foods and D'Agostinos (alright, I'm stretching a bit here)
-In general, we have a slightly more sensible way of pronouncing our r's (not much, that's true).
-The Great Boston Turkey Raffle Massacre happened there
-Did I mention the bars closing at midnight thing?

OK, well, there you are. Don't you feel better now? I know I do.

Tampa Tribune Withholds Bush Endorsement

The Tampa Tribune, a newspaper that endorsed every Republican nominee for President of the United States starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower in 1952, with one exception (Barry Goldwater), states:

We are unable to endorse President Bush for re- election because of his mishandling of the war in Iraq, his record deficit spending, his assault on open government and his failed promise to be a "uniter not a divider'' within the United States and the world.



What bothers us is that the president says that even knowing what he knows now, he still would have invaded Iraq because Saddam had the "intent'' to make nuclear weapons and was a ruthless dictator who killed his own people. If this nation-building succeeds, the president says, we will have built a friend in the Middle East.



Bush has yet to veto a single spending bill. Even Franklin Roosevelt scaled back New Deal programs after Pearl Harbor. The result: Bush has turned the $150 billion surplus he inherited into a $450 billion deficit.

They also go on to criticize the Bush administration's secretive tactitcs:

According to the libertarian Reason Foundation, Bush has nearly doubled the number of classified documents, urged agencies to refuse Freedom of Information Act requests and invoked executive privilege wherever possible.



His administration doesn't want citizens to know when hazardous chemicals are routed through their towns, how the repair of tenuous electric grids is going or who was at the table to form the nation's energy policy.

The also refuse to back Kerry, mostly due to faulty information: that Kerry supports a "Global Test" (not true); that "He supported the war in Iraq, then opposed adequately funding the troops." (Kerry supported giving Bush the authority to enter Iraq for more aggressive weapons inspections as a bid for peace (not war), Kerry later voted against a bill featuring an increase in troop funds because the bill also featured a huge tax cut for those earning over $200,000 a year (tax cuts are normally unheard of in times of war), etc., etc.....



Anywho, they conclude their non-endorsement by saying with certainty that "America is the greatest country on earth and will survive, no matter the outcome on Nov. 2."



Well, I can't argue with that.

Tucker's Turn

OK. This is the last time I'll post anything about the Jon Stewart Crossfire incident, but Page Six came out with this piece, pretty much giving Carlson's lame counter-view on the event:

"It was like a really bad freshman survey course. Just one long lecture. Not a single joke was told. People just don't want to be who they are. Every actor wants to be a director. It's not good enough for Barbra Streisand to star in 'Yentl.' She has to be a foreign policy expert, too."

Now, is this monster suggesting that Streisand is a lousy director? Of all the nerve!



The New York Times' Alessandra Stanley came out with this predictably superior piece today. Countering Carlson's charges of Stewart not being funny, Stanley asserts, "Mr. Stewart was funny. And it was at their expense."



So there.

Crossfire Hacks Attack Stewart

I was taping CNN's Crossfire, hoping it was a repeat of Friday's show with Jon Stewart, when I saw the tail end of a new episode where James Carville and Robert Novak read viewer mail reacting to Stewart's Friday appearance. It seems as though they couldn't find an American viewer who disagreed with Stewart, as the naysayer was Canadian. The other viewer was from Texas and applauded the show for allowing Stewart's viewpoint to be heard.



Carville repeatedly claimed that Jon Stewart attacked Ted Koppel on his Crossfire appearance, but I don't recall him doing this. [UPDATE: I think this is what he was referring to, though it's fairly benign. Here it is.] Carville, defending his livelihood, also claimed that he is "kinda proud of being a hack," while Novak repeatedly denounced Jon Stewart as "uninformed and unfunny." Can you feel the warmth?



Click here to download the clip.

Jon Stewart Takes Tucker To Task

Though the entire world has probably seen this by now, I still felt I should congratulate One Good Move for a job well done on this wonderful clip:



Jon Stewart on CNN's Crossfire

iN DEMAND Refuses To Air Michael Moore Pre-Election Special

Kowtowing to unknown forces, the cable pay-per-view company iN DEMAND backed out of their deal to air The Michael Moore Pre-Election Special due to "legitimate business and legal concerns," according to an iN DEMAND spokesperson. The special was to air on November 1, the evening before the election. iN DEMAND would not elaborate on their statement, but Moore believes they decided not to air the film because of pressure from "top Republican people." Moore has threatened to sue iN DEMAND for beach of contract.

He Can't Possibly Be Serious

In today's New York Post, Dick Cheney commented on Sen. John Kerry's remarks concerning Cheney's openly-gay daughter, Mary:

"You saw a man who will do and say anything to get elected," Cheney said at a rally in Florida. "And I am not just speaking as a father here, although I am a pretty angry father."

Well, angry father I can buy, but ha ha... ha ha did he..ha ha actually accuse Kerry of DOING ANYTHING TO GET ELECTED!?!?! Is he preaching to people who live under rocks? Not to lose what little journalistic composure I have, but JESUS, are these people absolute scum!



Just to clarify, this is the actual quote from Wednesday's debate:

"We're all God's children ... and I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she's being who she was. She's being who she was born as. I think if you talk to anybody, it's not a choice,"

Well there's hardly a chance of that, since she's about the only person in Cheney's family not to comment on the obviously vicious, hateful quote. What exactly is the offending item within the quote? That Mary is one of God's children? That she is being who she is? I fail to see what the GOP finds offensive about this quote.



As for doing or saying anything to get elected, maybe the man Cheney is referring to is George W. Bush. I saw him. Didn't you?

FCC Will Not Block Airing of Anti-Kerry Documentary

Well, I can't say that I'm surprised, but Michael Powell will not take any action to block the Sinclair Broadcasting Group's airing of Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal, a obviously-right-wing-piece-of-propaganda-posing-as-a-documentary covering Kerry's antiwar activities. Defending the FCC's non-action, Powell said this:

"Don't look to us to block the airing of a program. I don't know of any precedent in which the commission could do that."

The documentary is due to air two weeks before the presidential election.



The FCC is also turning a blind eye to fake right-wing-propaganda-posing-as-newscasts currently airing on Sinclair affiliates. Go here for more on that subject.

Bush Claims To Be Fully Prepared For Third Presidential Debate

"They'll never be able to detect this earpiece," President Bush was overheard exclaiming to his advisers. The "hidden" earpiece, which most closely resembles those featured on Monday Night Football, already has insiders talking. "I don't get it," said Kerry campaign manager Tad Devine, "does he think it's invisible or something? Wait. He's actually going to wear that during the debate? Well, okay."



This comes hot on the heels of the controversy surrounding the first presidential debate, when George W. Bush dismissed reports accusing him of wearing a novelty arrow-through-the-head throughout the debate, saying "that's just what left-wing internet nutcases would like to think about me. And it's nonsense!"

Stolen Airwaves: Goons That Never Heel

Between October 21 and 24, Sinclair Broadcast Group will force the local television stations it owns and operates to preempt regular network broadcasts and devote one hour to Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal, an anti-John Kerry documentary that criticizes his anti-war activities. Though the FCC (whose chairman, Michael Powell, is Colin's son) and the Federal Election Commission are investigating the matter, it doesn't look promising.



Please take a moment and go here to sign this petition (something I normally would never ask anyone to do).



Also, here is a list of their advertisers. You know, just in case you're interested in, you know, boycotting them.

Girls In My Trunk

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a bar with writer/poet Jennifer L. Knox, when the subject of the Beach Boys came up. I love them, she absolutely hates them. She did, however, write some lyrics for a proposed mock-Beach Boys song. I couldn't resist putting them to music. Originally, I wanted to make it an uptempo number, but I settled on a ballad.



Click here to download the song.
Click here to view the lyrics.

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It

Does this ominous bit of graffiti signify an imminent terror strike? The numbers are said to represent November 3, 2004, the day after the presidential election. The mysterious numbers are accompanied by a crude silhouette of what looks like a bomb. Is this right-wing propaganda akin to the "Osama Votes Kerry" stencils? The residents of Kensington, Brooklyn, largely populated by Jewish and Muslim groups don't think so, despite the fact that a local "unrepentant graffiti crew" claimed responsibility for the stencils, claiming the numbers didn't symbolize anything. Acccording to the New York Post:

it turns out "1134 NYC" is a graffiti group from Staten Island that has branched out to promotions, art shows and even products. Members even have an online store of stickers and posters. The bomb represents slang for graffiti writing — also called "bombing" — and 1134 is an old beeper code between friends, said one of the founding members who goes by the name "Mint." "I don't really meet people too often that have those sorts of problems," Mint said of Sam's fears. "But if I do, I'll tell them that they're a little too uptight."

Hmmm. Too uptight? Maybe. With good reason? Definitely.

The Mad Libs Sestina

This is positive proof that the man who invented Mad Libs is currently laughing all the way to the pencil. Joke courtesy of Andy Kindler, McSweeney's link courtesy of Dan Nester.



Thank you.

Rodney Dangerfield Dead at 82

As Gary Cooper was alleged to say in his final days, "I figured they would have licked this death thing by now." Unfortunately not. After undergoing heart surgery in August and suffering a stroke, Dangerfield had been in a coma about a week, regaining consciousness about a few days ago.



Apart from being a brilliant stand-up comedian, he left behind several cinematic comedy classics (though his application to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was cruelly rejected in 1995), most notably Caddyshack (1980). The Mercury News collected a few of Rodney's most famous one-liners in an attempt to cheer us up.

Bishop Desmond Tutu on The Daily Show

Promoting his new book, God Has A Dream: A Vision of Hope For Our Time, on Jon Stewart's The Daily Show, Desmond Tutu was incredibly compassionate, and downright adorable. Assessing the global perception of Americans abroad, he said:

Most people believe that you are wonderful people. But can't understand what you're doing. Export not bombs, but your compassion and your generosity.

He concluded with the hope that one day "we will realize that we are all part of God's family. No exceptions."



I must say that I found this all deeply moving. Though I am not a tremendously religious person (as evidenced by all those mean things I said about the Pope), I would highly recommend catching this interview when it is repeated. Incidentally, Comedy Central runs the show approximately thirty times a day.

White Punks On Pope

Pope John Paul II (yep, still alive) has beatified the last Austro-Hungarian emperor, Charles I, best known for authorizing the use of mustard gas during World War I. But he also, according to the Vatican, cured a nun of vericose veins. "I hope Emperor Charles will serve as an example, especially for those with political responsibilities in Europe today," the pope said during the ceremony in Saint Peter's Square. Critics claim the Pope's actions were brought about by pressure from the conservative right. And here I thought he just had an unrequited love for mustard gas.

MadArts Group Show

This Saturday my good friend, Doug Jahnke, will be taking part in an art show at a really cool space in Park Slope called MadArts. Though it's not a competition, I predict that Doug's art will squash the other artists' work like your proverbial grape. Here's the address and info for all those who want to attend:

MadArts
255 18 St. (between 5th & 6th Ave.)
Brooklyn, NY
October 2, 2004
8pm

Take the N train to Prospect Ave./4th Ave., make your way to 6th Avenue but stop before you reach it.

Bush's Fictitious Hometown Newspaper Endorses Kerry

The Lone Star Iconoclast, a newspaper from Bush's hometown of Crawford, TX (though he actually grew up in New Haven, Connecticut) is endorsing John Kerry for President of the United States. Luckily, our current president cannot, or simply refuses, to read anything not labeled "My Pet Goat."



Sure, it's an old joke, but it bears repeating.

Limbo Lower Now....

I saw this today. It seems as though the GOP are at it again. A mailer was distributed among voters in Arkansas and West Virginia claiming that if Kerry is elected, liberals will not only ban the Bible, but the streets of Arkansas and West Virginia will be crawling with same-sex couples. You know, so far I've watched the RNC's shenanigans with a great deal of detached bemusement this year, but now I'm really pissed off. This is even more despicable than the tactics used to defeat John McCain in 2000. Which is really saying something.

Bush Marries Allawi in Secret Ceremony

In a shocking turn of events, President George W. Bush secretly wed puppet interim prime minister of Iraq, Ayad Allawi, saying:

The truth is that I am a gay American. Shamefully, I engaged in adult consensual affairs with another man, which violates my bonds of matrimony. It was wrong, it was foolish, it was inexcusable. And I can no longer serve as you president; I shall resign as your president effective.....

Yeah, I know it's a total fake. I can dream, can't I?

Degrees of Hope

This is kind of a silly entry, but I've been fascinated for years at the number of degrees that Bob Hope has amassed in his lifetime. You have to see it to believe it. Click on the above photo. And keep on scrolling.

A Little Bit of South Korea

Our little travelogue from our trip to South Korea is now posted. Check it out.