Saturday, December 24, 2005

How The Other Half Decorates



As badly as it turned out, I had to post this photo of the yachts underneath my window. A deal was struck where, if boats were decorated with Christmas lights, they could dock for free in December. I won't go into the fucked up logic where yacht owners need cost-cutting incentives. It just looks so damn pretty. Again, due to the total lack of external lighting on the dock (I had to pump up the saturation almost beyond the point of recognition), this photo hardly captures the grandeur, but it's better than nothing. (Click on the photo for more photos).

Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Robert Smigel Saves Christmas!



On SNL last week, Robert Smigel aired a new Saturday TV Funhouse, and it was a classic. He usually saves his best stuff for the Christmas episode, and this year's no exception. "Christmas Time For The Jews" is a note-perfect Phil Spector tribute, featuring the legendary Darlene Love on vocals. Presented in gorgeous black and white, this could easily pass for an unearthed relic from the early 1960's. As an added treat, the real Darlene Love sings "White Christmas" with the SNL band. Below are the lyrics:
On Christmas Eve, The Gentiles gather
Around the Christmas Tree
They stay at home, and party with
Their Goyishe family

They disappear one day each year
And pass the egg nog 'round
But it's all right
Because that's the night
The Jews control the town

Well, this happens every year on Christmas Eve
All the happy Christian people take their leave
Yeah, the streets are deserted and that's big news
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

The holiday party starts about 6pm
Ain't nobody recreating Bethlehem
Yeah the Three Wise Men, that's a big old snooze
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

They can finally see King Kong without waiting in line
They can eat in Chinatown and drink their sweet ass wine
They can crank Barbra Streisand on the streets they cruise
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

They can gang up on the Quakers
Play for the Lakers
They can do what they wanna
Even blow off Madonna
Get a chance to drive a tractor
Win on Fear Factor
See Fiddler On The Roof with actual Jewish actors

Now, they really get the party goin' after dark
Circumcizing grateful squirrels in the city park
Picking fights in the bar knowing they can't lose
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

Now it's nearly 10:30
Yes, it's time for bed
Daily Show reruns dancin' in their heads
Maybe next year they'll learn how to hold their booze
It's Christmas Time for the Jews
To download the file, right click here, then select "Download Linked File."

Click here for the mp3 file.

[EDIT: It just occurred to me why this animation was presented in Black & White. Phil Spector always recorded his music in monophonic. Phil hated stereo, and started the campaign slogan "Back To Mono" in the early 1970's. The joke is, the animation is monochromatic, hence the use of the "Back To Mono" button at during the credits. Clever, huh?]

Monday, December 19, 2005

A Slightly Different Tone At The Same Old Address



The most amazing thing about President Bush's address to the nation last night was every news organization's interpretation of it, which had Bush taking responsibility for the mistakes made concerning the war with Iraq. Here's what President Bush did say:
From this office, nearly three years ago, I announced the start of military operations in Iraq. Our coalition confronted a regime that defied United Nations Security Council resolutions, violated a cease-fire agreement, sponsored terrorism and possessed, we believed, weapons of mass destruction. After the swift fall of Baghdad, we found mass graves filled by a dictator, we found some capacity to restart programs to produce weapons of mass destruction, but we did not find those weapons.

It is true that Saddam Hussein had a history of pursuing and using weapons of mass destruction. It is true that he systematically concealed those programs, and blocked the work of UN weapons inspectors. It is true that many nations believed that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. But much of the intelligence turned out to be wrong. And as your president, I am responsible for the decision to go into Iraq.

Yet it was right to remove Saddam Hussein from power. He was given an ultimatum -- and he made his choice for war. And the result of that war was to rid the world of a murderous dictator who menaced his people, invaded his neighbors, and declared America to be his enemy. Saddam Hussein, captured and jailed, is still the same raging tyrant -- only now without a throne. His power to harm a single man, woman, or child is gone forever. And the world is better for it.
Listen carefully. Did you hear any admission of error? I didn't. Admitting that "some of the intelligence was wrong" suggests that the majority of it was right. He is still justifying our presence in Iraq by chronicling Saddam Hussein's crimes against his own people, which was not the reason originally given for going to war. Also, the clever use of rhetoric ("a regime that sponsored terrorism" is supposed to mean "Saddam gave sanctuary to those responsible for 9/11") still maintains that there was total justification for the war. Also, this administration has yet to prove that Saddam Hussein had "a history of pursuing and using weapons of mass destruction" or that he "systematically concealed those programs, and blocked the work of UN weapons inspectors." Why would Iraq hide what it didn't have in the first place? And I am in no way saying Saddam was not a horrible dictator, and his use of chemical weapons is an absolute fact. It's just that neither crimes against one's own people nor chemical weapons are just cause for a war.

Bush did go on to say "I know that some of my decisions have led to terrible loss and not one of those decisions has been taken lightly," but that's hardly satisfactory at this point. I think all the world wants him to say at this point is something along the lines of "We were mistaken not only in our belief, and desperate pursuit, of an existing link between September 11th and Iraq, but also the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." Y'know, something like that.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, but with his present approval rating (misleading, as that would suggest that there is any approval), you would think there would be less arrogance at this point in his career, and more frankness. I admire Bush trying to accentuate the positive aspects of the US residency in Iraq (Saddam's overthrow, the election, the rebuilding, etc.). To be fair, it does seem as though real progress is being made.

But President Bush genuinely doesn't seem to understand why his critics keep dogging him regarding the flimsy evidence on which this war was originally based. He doesn't understand why we, as a nation, cannot move on. President Bush simply needs to just give the nation an "I'm sorry" and mean it.

Maybe he's saving it for Christmas?

Friday, December 16, 2005

Howard Stern: The Last Of A Dying Breed



Well, it's officially over. Howard Stern has left the "terrestrial airwaves" for good. I am deeply saddened by this, as I have been listening to the show most of my life ever since the show came to Philadelphia in 1986, and I got to personally witness the funeral for Philly "zookeeper" John DeBella. Even though I admit the show has been lacking since the departures of Billy West and, later, Jackie Martling, I will miss having the option to tune in to the show for free (I'm sure I'll get around to ordering Sirius one of these days). Just the fact that Howard has more or less been forced off the air illustrates what a bad direction in which this country is heading. During his farewell speech, Howard stuck it good to Clear Channel, saying how much their ratings suffered after canceling his show, how they no longer employ live deejays and how they've essentially killed radio by making it. It was wonderful to hear, but on one hand, I can't help but thinking that Clear Channel has won on some level. Sure, their ratings will never be as spectacular as they were with Stern on their airwaves, but now with Howard gone, they'll have even less competition, and no one left to challenge them. On the other hand, I'm glad that Howard, instead of letting his show become progressively more stifled by FCC fines and corporate censorship, is moving his show to an FCC-free zone where the show can hopefully regain some of the energy it has lost in recent years. Also, my biggest pet peeve with the show has ALWAYS been the torturous amount of commercial time that listeners have had to sit through. I'm very glad to hear that Howard feels the same way. Hopefully this is not merely the end of an era, but a better one beginning. We'll see.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Richard Pryor Dead At 65



Rather than go on about how much his work meant to me (and practically everyone I know), I decided to post this clip of Richard Pryor from the one and only time he hosted Saturday Night Live in 1975. This is one of my all-time favorite routines in which a white guy gives Richard LSD at a party (I need to set up the premise somewhat due to the poor quality of the beginning of the clip).

Enjoy.

Right click here, then select "Download Linked File."

Friday, December 9, 2005

Ken Nordine Reaches Into In



Years ago, a man named Ken Nordine released a series of albums under the categorical heading Word Jazz, dubbing it a "somewhat new medium." He recorded four now-highly-treasured albums for Dot records between 1957 to 1960. These albums have been anthologized several times before, but they've never been available in their entirety on CD. Until now, that is. A wonderful label called Hip-O-Select has just released You're Getting Better: The Word Jazz Dot Masters, a limited edition boxed set including all material from the four original Dot albums, plus six extra tracks circa 1960.

Glad to say, the Hip-O-Select box is wonderful. If anything, it sounds even better than the Rhino compilation from 1992 (Best Of Word Jazz: Vol. 1). The liner notes are a mixed bag: Tom Waits contributes a "poem", but to be honest, his schtick is wearing a little thin with me these days. Laurie Anderson reminisces about once having shared a stage with Ken. Jim Cunningham, the engineer for most of the original recordings, probably offers the most concrete information regarding the original sessions. Of course, Ken himself adds some amusing notes.

All in all, this collection is essential. In my opinion, the most essential release of the year, especially if you liked the Rhino compilation and want more. It is the ultimate testament of a true genius, one of the remaining few.

And, remember kids, it's limited edition - 5,000 copies.

Order it here.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

The Baked Ziti Radio Hour: Episodes 17 & 18



Dwight Harvey is AWOL, Michael Wilson is nowhere to be heard. But that hasn't stopped me and Jack from doing episodes 17 and 18 all by ourselves. Not only this, but the listener gets a special audio treat: EXTREME STEREO! Jack is on the extreme right (yeah, I know, what else is new?) and I'm on the left. In addition, you get a plethora of exotic animal noises, courtesy of my uncharacteristically active dog Aimee, who stored all her precious little energy for recording time, spending her approximated two non-sleeping hours a week playing with her VERY LOUD squeaky toys. But then, she probably just sensed out loneliness.

Download the episodes here:

Episode 17
Episode 18

Friday, December 2, 2005

Rep. John Murtha Is Plastic Man!



Rep. John Murtha created controversy two weeks ago when he called for U.S. troops to leave Iraq now. Yesterday, however, Murtha cause an even bigger scene when he revealed to the civic group that he is, in fact, Plastic Man. Demonstrating his super powers by taking the shape of a bowling ball and flinging himself through the cincrete wall, Murtha was finally detained by security. While being ushered out, Murtha assumed the shape of Colonel Sanders and made his escape.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

This Obesity Thing Is Worse Than I Thought

Entrepreneurs, are you ready? It seems as though we're going to need a lot of extremely long needles to accommodate our ever-growing society. Reuters says:
Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug.
23 out of 25! Any needle manufacturers out there? We'll make a killing! Whoo!

- Study - Longer needles needed for fatter buttocks [Reuters]

Friday, November 25, 2005

Eminem Balloon Causes Injury At Macy's Parade



City and Macy's officials said they are investigating events leading up to an accident which left two sisters injured. 11-year-old Sarah Chamberlain and 26-year-old Mary Chamberlain, were hit by debris from a streetlamp after the tethers on the Eminem balloon became entangled in the streetlamp's head, causing it to break off.

After hearing of the incident, Eminem was quoted, saying: "That fuckin' shithead Charlie Brown balloon was probably the illest, sickest balloon I've ever watched, and I didn't see anybody criticizing Charles Schultz for dropping no anvil on no dumb bitch's head!"

- Two hurt after parade balloon hits pole
[CNN]

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Stove Top Stuffing Creator Dead At 74



The woman who invented Stove Top Stuffing in 1971, Ruth Siems, died at her home in Newburgh, Indiana. She was 74. Her family released a statement denying reports that her body would be flown immediately to a taxidermist. They also denied allegations that they've secretly always preferred potatoes.

Of course I'm kidding, but seriously, nothing could possibly top (for lack of a better word) the irony of her dying on the day before Thanksgiving. NOTHING!

Stove Top Stuffing inventor dies [Science Daily]

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Baked Ziti Radio Hour: Episodes 15 & 16



You (and by "you" I'm referring to our listening public) must keep asking yourselves "How does the Baked Ziti Radio Hour stay so fresh and original?" Well, my friends, it's perfectly simple: a little thing called "unconditional love". I mean, on a personal level it's true, we hardly know you at all. But on a collective-frequency level, no 20-or so people could be any closer than we are right now.

Does that answer your question?

Either way, here are the episodes for download:

Episode 15
Episode 16

Monday, November 21, 2005

Ann Coulter: Has She No Decency?



Wow. I hardly thought that I could hate Ann Coulter more than I already do, but this is amazing:
As noted here previously, George Clooney's movie "Good Night, and Good Luck," about pious parson Edward R. Murrow and Sen. Joseph McCarthy, failed to produce one person unjustly accused by McCarthy. Since I described McCarthy as a great American patriot defamed by liberals in my 2003 book, "Treason," liberals have had two more years to produce a person - just one person - falsely accused by McCarthy. They still can't do it. Meanwhile, I can prove that Murrow's good friend Lawrence Duggan was a Soviet spy responsible for having innocent people murdered. The brilliant and perceptive journalist Murrow was not only unaware of the hundreds of Soviet spies running loose in the U.S. government, he was also unaware that his own dear friend Duggan was a Soviet spy - his friend on whose behalf corpses littered the Swiss landscape.
She goes on to use Duggan's suicide as indisputable evidence of his involvement with the Communist party.
Contrary to the image of the Black Night of Fascism (BNOF) under McCarthy leading to mass suicide with bodies constantly falling on the heads of pedestrians in Manhattan, Duggan was the only suicide. After being questioned by the FBI, Duggan leapt from a window. Of course, given the people he was doing business with, he may have been pushed.
McCarthyism didn't kill him, says Coulter, his guilt did. Coulter proves nothing about Duggan, despite her claims of Duggan passing important documents, some being so important, "they were sent directly to Stalin and Molotov," which is highly unlikely.

The she resorts to her usual namecalling, referring to Duggan as "the kind of disloyal, two-faced, back-stabbing weasel you rarely see outside of the entertainment industry."

Then, she totally loses it:
At the exact same time as these crybabies were wailing about McCarthyism, there was much worse going on in the parts of the world so admired by the Hollywood left. It's not as if we have to go back to the Peloponnesian War to find greater suffering than that of Hollywood drama queens during the BNOF under McCarthyism. I believe anyone would find it preferable to have been a "target" of McCarthy in the '50s than to have been an ordinary citizen living in the Soviet Union, Hungary, Poland, the Ukraine or any nation infected by the Red Plague.
Actor's lives were hardly what was at stake here. The persecution of Hollywood in the 1950's echoes the persecution of the American press during most of the Bush administration (the most obvious casualty being Valerie Plame).

Coulter's boorish hyperbole-laden argument doesn't hold water, which is no big surprise. But, am I crazy, or is she suggesting that McCarthyism was good for the nation?

Lastly, why is no major news organization challenging her on this point? This I find deeply disturbing.

-ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A SECOND-RATE FILMMAKER? [anncoulter.com]

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Some Of The Worst Album Covers



Pitchfork has compiled an extremely tongue-in-cheek list of the worst ever album covers. It starts out obliquely funny and ends ugly, but give it a spin. It's pretty damn funny.

Here's the Pitchfork link.
Another good one is the Museum of Bad Album Covers

Did Page Six Hear Wrong?: #1



This is a new feature where I overanalyze clippings from Page Six's "We Hear" section. I've got a great feeling about this one.

Okay, Page Six hears:
THAT Kathleen Turner will perform a monologue from "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" at a Citymeals-on-Wheels lunch on Friday for the likes of Joan Collins, Diane von Fursten berg, Gloria Steinem and Diana Taylor, and then take the show to London
Here's my nitpicky question: IS THERE a monologue in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" I could be wrong, but I don;t think there is one.

I very well could be wrong, and I would love any input on the subject.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Poison Guitarist Sentenced To 80 Days



C.C. Deville, guitarist for the shit-metal group Poison, pleaded no contest Monday to driving under the influence and causing injury to his companion after doing an "unsober bop" into a parked car. This caused the vehicle's airbags to deploy in his vehicle, injuring the other passenger. Tests revealed that he was intoxicated, and he has been sentenced to 80 days in jail.

I though they nabbed him for that unforgivable "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" guitar solo. No such luck.

- Poison Guitarist Headed To Pen [Yahoo! Music]

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

The Baked Ziti Radio Hour: Episodes 13 & 14



We've done it again! Episodes 13 and 14 have proven to be our most popular in the West Indes, and we want to share the wealth with you, America!

Download the episodes here:

Episode 13
Episode 14

Monday, November 7, 2005

Kate Hudson Denies Eating Disorder



Kate Hudson, pictured above, denies what British magazine Heat and the Daily Mail UK newspaper call her "extreme eating disorder." The images, and the articles that accompanied these allegations could also prove damaging to her "career" as it might raise concern amongst casting agents, London law firm Schillings added.

The publications in question include U.S. tabloid The National Enquirer for its article last month titled "Goldie tells Kate: Eat Something! And She Listens!" "Ms Hudson will argue in the courts that the images in question gave a seriously false and misleading impression as to her true physical condition, in that she was portrayed as being dangerously thin with an eating disorder," Schillings said in a statement. He also added "Lord knows NOBODY listens to a damn word Goldie says these days."

Friday, November 4, 2005

Michael O'Donoghue Quote Of The Day: #3



On John Belushi's death:
I was there the morning John died. He was lying on the floor of his bungalow. When I tried to revive him, the "big guy" opened his eyes and whispered, "Dope is for dopes." And he died. It was the last thing he ever said. I took his wallet and left.

Thursday, November 3, 2005

Pulling All The Stops



The New York Daily News compiled a list of the worst subways in New York. I'm a total sucker for these things, so I decided to spotlight it today.

Here's the short list (read the article for further details):
  • 205th St./Norwood, the Bronx, D line
  • 182nd/183rd Sts., Fordham area, the Bronx, B and D lines
  • Third Ave./138th St., South Bronx, No. 6 line
  • Bowery, Chinatown, Manhattan, J, M, Z lines
  • Brook Ave., Mott Haven section, the Bronx, No. 6 line
  • Fulton St.-Broadway/Nassau, Financial District, Manhattan, J, M, Z, 2, 3, 4, 5, A and C lines
  • 21st St., Long Island City, Queens, G line
  • Mosholu Parkway, Norwood section, the Bronx, No. 4 line
  • Bay Parkway, Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, N line
  • Smith/Ninth Sts., Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn, F and G lines
For my money, the two that should have been included and weren't are as follows:
  • Boro Hall/Court St. Brooklyn Heights, Brooklyn, 2,3,4,5,N,R,M and J lines: This definitely wins the award for the smelliest station, especially if you are exiting from the 2 or 3 train. The stench is overwhelming.
  • Chambers St., Financial District, Manhattan E line: Again, more for the stink than the appearance. It just reeks of overused mops.
But the Daily News is so right about Smith/9th and Carroll Gardens stops. Yeesh!

Dirt & danger: 10 worst stations [New York Daily news]

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

What Becomes A Washed-Up Actress Most?



David Hesterbey, a homeless man who broke into Jennifer Aniston's rented Malibu beach house was ordered to undergo psychological counseling as part of a five-year probationary sentence. He also was ordered to stay away from Aniston for 10 years.

Stay away for ten years? From what I've been hearing about Derailed, it will be as though the entire movie-going public had received a similar sentence. Seriously, though, it just seems like too prophetic a title, doesn't it? The whole story seems like cheap publicity for the film. I could be totally off the mark, but I can't help but think that it's endsville for Aniston.

Man Who Broke Into Aniston's Home Sentenced [AP]

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Samuel Alito's Mother Knows Best



Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito's 90-year-old mother, Rose, when asked if her son is against abotrion, said "Of course he still wets the bed." When reporters suggested that maybe she had misunderstood the question, she continued unabated:
"And he sure hates the gay people. I'm tellin' ya, he can't say enough bad things about how they were the direct cause of Hurricane Katrina and 9/11, not that he ever calls me, mind you. I mean, you think after I cleaned, fed and put that motherfucker through school he could find five goddamn seconds from his busy schedule to drop his only mother a fucking line once in a while!"
Reporters finally abandoned the interview, leaving Rose yelling the word "cocksucker" very loudly while attempting to kick dirt onto the reporters' vans.

- MAMMA MIA, THAT'S MY BOY! [New York Post]

Monday, October 31, 2005

The Scooter and The Prosecutor



We left our story on Friday when special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald ruled that Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff, I. Scooter Libby "zealously pursued information about a critic who said the Bush administration manipulated intelligence to make the case for war" resulting in a five-count indictment.

The view of the president and vice president, as usual, differs from the mainstream: I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby is doing a good job, they say. The big question is: will Libby testify against Cheney to avoid a long prison sentence? On one hand, he has being given up fairly easily to the wolves of prosecution (I doubt the resignation was voluntary). On the other hand, Scooter knows all too well the tactics this administration will use to hunt down nay-sayers.

Will this patsy sing like a canary? I can't wait to find out.

Friday, October 28, 2005

...And Condoleezza Rice As The Devil



USA Today was accused of "demonizing" a photograph of Condi Rice. On the left is the USA Today photo, on the right is the original. USA Today removed the allegedly altered photo from its website with an apology of sorts:
Editor's note: The photo of Condoleezza Rice that originally accompanied this story was altered in a manner that did not meet USA TODAY's editorial standards. The photo has been replaced by a properly adjusted copy. Photos published online are routinely cropped for size and adjusted for brightness and sharpness to optimize their appearance. In this case, after sharpening the photo for clarity, the editor brightened a portion of Rice's face, giving her eyes an unnatural appearance. This resulted in a distortion of the original not in keeping with our editorial standards.
The thing is, I've met Condi Rice. Her eyes really are like that. It's a very sore spot for her. She's had to live with it since her childhood on Three Mile Island. I thought USA Today handled it as nicely as they could. They muted the eyes and moved on.

- Rice won't rule out U.S. troops in Iraq in 10 years [USA Today]

- DEMONIZING CONDI [Michelle Malkin]

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Baked Ziti Radio Hour: Episodes 11 & 12



The magic is here again! We're back with two new episodes of Iceland's favorite podcast (we don't know why either), available for download here:

Episode 11
Episode 12

And we're finally up on iTunes and Yahoo! Podcasts! So look for us in the respective directories, or use this feed to cut and paste so you can download BZRH on iTunes:

feed://www.bakedziti.net/podcasts/bakedzitipodcast.xml

Just open iTunes, selected ADVANCED in the menu bar and SUBSCRIBE TO PODCAST. This should actually work (feel free to email me if it doesn't)

Friday, October 21, 2005

Lookin' For The Heart Of Saturday Night

With every fall the leaves on the trees are falling down: red, yellow, orange, and brown...

Oh yeah, and it also prime season for bitching about Saturday Night Live's painful decline. It seems to happen every year at exactly the same time. This has been itself a source of unending comedy for me, as different generations seem to disagree as to when SNL's golden years ended. The youngins' seem to pine for the Phil Hartman years, for example. For me, the show's history goes something like:
1975-1980: The True Golden Years
1980-early 1981: Jean Domanian takes over, with painful expletive-deleting results, but at least Captain Beefheart was a musical guest.
1981-1984: The Eddie Murphy Show (not that it wasn't brilliant, it just wasn't an ensemble).
1984-1995: Solely depending on the cast, equal parts brilliant, boring and cringe-worthy.
1995-present: Abysmal, unwatchable. Unless, like me, you get off on train-wrecks (apart from Robert Smigel, who has been consistently brilliant throughout his tenure with the show)
Well, a local comedy troupe finally decided to stop bitching and actually do something about it. At the Juvie Hall Theater, Saturday Night Rewritten takes the previous night's show and vastly improves upon SNL's poor excuse for sketches. The group (who, unlike SNL's "writers," are unpaid), having watched the show, meet on Sunday, go through the sketches and rewrite them. Says head writer Erik Marcisak, "Even if the sketch is only halfway decent, we wrote it in just an hour and a half, and it got put up in front of an audience that genuinely laughed. Ask any of our writers, and they will brag about that."

-SATURDAY NIGHT DEAD [Page Six]

-SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALL RIGHT FOR REWRITING

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Michael Jackson As Juror



How hard up is Santa Barbara, CA for jurors anyway? None of the residents seem to have daytime employment. But...

It seems that they're SO hard up, they would consider Michael Jackson a worthy vessel.
"It's just one of those ironies of life that he'd be called as a juror," said Laurie Levenson, a professor at Loyola School of Law who monitored Jackson's
Irony, huh? I mean I would love to see this screening process at work:
Judge: "Have you ever been....(sigh).. Exempted! Next!"
I mean, could it possibly go any other way? Every judge in the nation knows Michael's life story at this point, not that there is much of a chance that Jackson will serve on any jury due to his dual citizenship [Editor's Note: Michael Jackson is in the process of changing his primary residency to Bahrain].

-Michael Jackson Called for Jury Service [AP]

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

If You Don't Read This Entry, Well Then I Oughta....



The American Society of Magazine Editors has named the Top Magazine Covers of the Last 40 Years. Coming in at #7 is my personal favorite of all time: National Lampoon's "Death" Issue from January 1973, better known by its simple but effective headline: "If You Don't Buy This Magazine, We'll Shoot This Dog." It's one of the greatest examples of copy EVER. It strikes fear, horror, paranoia ("how will..they KNOW whether I buy it or not...I don't underst..") and disgust at the same time (and, no, I am not advocating the harming of animals in any way). Ironically, no editor in the world would green light this cover today.

Here are some other picks from the fabulous 40. Some you may remember (John Lennon's last Rolling Stone cover [the last one featuring a new photo of him, anyway], Demi Moore's pregnant belly on Vanity Fair), and some you might not, like 90% of them (Man on The Moon? That made the cover of LIFE? I'm kidding). And, there seems to be a 2-way tie for 29th and 33rd place and a 5-way tie for 37th place. When there's a 5-way tie for 37th place, you know you're living in the age of mediocrity.

Enjoy:
1. Rolling Stone, Jan. 22, 1981, John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

2. Vanity Fair, August 1991, Demi Moore.

3. Esquire, April 1968, Muhammad Ali.

4. The New Yorker, March 29, 1976, Saul Steinberg drawing of Manhattan.

5. Esquire, May 1969, Andy Warhol.

6. The New Yorker, Sept. 24, 2001, Illustration of World Trade Center.

7. National Lampoon, January 1973, "If You Don't Buy This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog."

8. Esquire, October 1966, "Oh my god -- we hit a little girl."

9. Harper's Bazaar, September 1992, "Enter the Era of Elegance."

10. National Geographic, June 1985, Afghan refugee.

11. Life, April 30, 1965, 18-week-old fetus.

12. Time, April 8, 1966, "Is God Dead?"

13. Life, Special Issue, 1969, man on the moon.

14. The New Yorker, Dec. 10, 2001, illustration of New York City map.

15. Harper's Bazaar, April 1965.

16. The Economist, Sept. 10-16, 1994, photo of camels, "The trouble With mergers."

17. Time, June 21, 1968, "The Gun in America."

18. ESPN, June 29, 1998, Michael Jordan.

19. Esquire, December 2000, Bill Clinton.

20. Blue, October 1997.

21. Life, Nov. 26, 1965, Vietcong prisoner with eyes and mouth taped.

22. George, October/November 1995, Cindy Crawford.

23. The Nation, Nov. 13, 2000, George W. Bush.

24. Interview, December 1972, Andy Warhol.

25. Time, Sept. 14, 2001, World Trade Center.

26. People, March 4, 1974, Mia Farrow.

27. Entertainment Weekly, May 2, 2003, The Dixie Chicks.

28. Life, April 16, 1965, dying pilot and helicopter crew chief.

29. (tie) Playboy, October 1971.

29. (tie) Fortune, Oct. 1, 2001, man covered in ashes near World Trade Center.

31. Newsweek, Nov. 20, 2000, image of Al Gore/George W. Bush.

32. Vogue, May 2004, Nicole Kidman.

33. (tie) Newsweek, July 30, 1973, Nixon White House and tape recorder

33. (tie) Wired, June 1997, "Pray."

35. New York, June 8, 1970, "Free Leonard Bernstein!"

36. People, Sept. 15, 1997, black-and-white portrait of Princess Diana.

37. (tie) Details, February 1989, Cyndi Lauper.

37. (tie) Fast Company, August/September 1997, "The Brand Called You."

37. (tie) Glamour, August 1968, Katiti Kironde II

37. (tie) National Geographic, October 1978, gorilla with camera.

37. (tie) Time, April 14, 1997, Ellen DeGeneres.

-Top Magazine Covers of the Last 40 Years [AP]

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Michael O'Donoghue Quote Of The Day: #2



The following is an excerpt from "How To Write Good" by Michael O'Donoghue [National Lampoon, March 1971]:
Lesson 2-The Ending

All too often, the budding author finds that his tale has run its course and yet he sees no way to satisfactorily end it, or, in literary parlance, "wrap it up." Observe how easily I resolve this problem:

Suddenly, everyone was run over by a truck.
-the end-

If the story happens to be set in England, use the same ending, slightly modified:

Suddenly, everyone was run over by a lorry.
-the end-

If set in France:

Soudaincment, tout le monde etait ecrass par un camion.
-finis-

You'll be surprised at how many different settings and situations this ending applies to. For instance, if you were writing a story about ants, it would end "Suddenly, everyone was run over by a centipede." In fact, this is the only ending you ever need use.*

*Warning - if you are writing a story about trucks, do not have the trucks run over by a truck. Have the trucks run over by a mammoth truck.
To read "How To Write Good" in its entirety, go here.

Thursday, October 6, 2005

Apocalypse Now!



Well, I'm not a terribly religious man, but I said about forty novenas when I read the news about Tom and his beard's impending spawn. It is an absolute sign of the apocalypse. No question.

It's not the only one, mind you. Here are some others:
Oh, there are several other signs. For example, the other day I saw a dog attempting to mount a cat. And, yes, I see the occasional swarm of locusts in my back yard. But I can't figure out how any female would willingly procreate with that Oprah-couch-hopping freak.

- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Expecting [AP]

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Ashlee Simpson's Continuing Career: Proof That There Is No God?



Here's what critics have been saying about Ashlee Simpson for the past year:
"alarmingly untalented"

"...fodder for public ridicule..."

"That she didn't have a lick of talent was instantly apparent..."
And yet, Ashlee is being asked to perform for a second time on the equally awful Saturday Night Live after making a spectacle of of her talenless self and worse, blaming her band for it. Now, a year later, Simpson has been offered the show again. Sure, it's guaranteed high ratings (everyody loves a train wreck), but eventually even Ashlee's trainwreck appeal will soneday run out.

To ensure this, you can sign the Stop Ashlee Simpson petition here.


Ashlee's "SNL" Do-Over [E! Online]

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

The Adventures of Nicolas Cage



Overrated "actor" Nicolas Cage (pictured above in the only worthwhile film he ever made) and his wife gave birth on Monday to the couple's first child together, a son they named Kal-el, as in the birth name of Superman. The child's full name is Kal-el Coppola Cage, the middle name being a huge clue as to how it's possible for such a terrible actor to get so much screen work.

Well, I hope the child develops some sort of super strength to avoid being savagely beaten at school for having such a name. Kal-el will be attacked by people who a) think his first name is stupid, b) hated Apocalypse Now and Francis's sub-par wine collection, and c) just plain hate Nicolas Cage.

I'm gonna go one better than Mr. Cage on this one: my first child will be named Spiderman, regardless of its gender. Spiderman Coppola Hilton Rockefeller Getty Cawley. Now all I have to do is convince my wife to have kids.

- Nicolas Cage gives Superman's birth name to son [Reuters]

Monday, October 3, 2005

Havin' Fun With Rolling Edits



Years ago, I worked with a friend of mine who videotaped and edited weddings, bar-mitzvahs and the like. In the editing process, we used to try to intercut scenes from movies featuring celebrities at formal attire parties (i.e., Frank Sinatra in High Society) so it would look like interactive footage. While editing these clips, the editing machine would roll about two seconds before and after the edit point, so we would hear it play backwards ad nauseam. We got to hear these so many times that we eventually became obsessed with how hilarious they were. Below is an example. It's a scene from Goodfellas featuring Ray Liotta gambling and shouting very loudly showing a mouth big enough to drive a truck through. The first clip is the scene played forwards and backwards at regular speed, the second is forward and backwards at a slower speed.

Download the clips below. Enjoy.

Henry_Backwards.mov
Henry_SlowMo.mov

Saturday, October 1, 2005

The Baked Ziti Radio Hour: Episodes 9 & 10 Are Here At Last!



That's right, cats and kittens. We've done it once again. We've stuck the proverbial feather in our hats and called it Marconi. In other words, two new episodes of America's favorite podcast (they don't have rating systems for these things yet, do they?) are available for download here:
Episode 9
Episode 10

And here's the new feed for you to cut and paste so you can download BZRH on iTunes:

feed://www.bakedziti.net/podcasts/bakedzitipodcast.xml

Just open iTunes, selected ADVANCED in the menu bar and SUBSCRIBE TO PODCAST. This should actually work (feel free to email me if it doesn't)

Friday, September 30, 2005

It Shouldn't Happen To A Dog



To those who love to be reduced to a subhuman gender stereotype, Clare Staples' book Everything I Know About Men I Learnt From My Dog will be a fabulous read.

Here are some tips "for bagging different types of dog-man" from Clare's book:
The unavailable one
Man tip: Men are genetically programmed to be hunter-gatherers. They like to pursue things and the harder the things are to catch, the more valued they become. Don't be too easy. Be elusive and flighty and men will go to any lengths to win you.
Dog tip: All dogs want what they can't have.

The Alpha Male:
Man tip: When he is around others, let your man be a man. Men judge other men and decide on their status by three things: physical size, wealth, and the woman by their side. Don't criticize, belittle or be sarcastic to your man in front of anyone.
Dog tip: A dog needs to think he is top dog. When he is around other dogs, he doesn't want them to know he has an owner and a boss.

The independent spirit:
Man tip: Don't call your man, text him or turn up at his house unexpectedly no matter what. Let him do the chasing. Always end the call or visit before he does; you want to have him feeling as though you are always slightly out of his reach.
Dog tip: If you chase a dog, it will run away. The more you chase, the more he will run. There is just something in his nature that makes him do this no matter how much he loves you and how much he loves being with you. If you turn your back on him and walk away quickly he will come running after you, determined to catch up with you and be by your side.
This degrading attitude toward both sexes would Cosmopolitan blush. "Be elusive and flighty and men will go to any lengths to win you?" Maybe she should just reread He's Just Not That Into You.

Candace Bushnell, in the book's forward, writes:"By the simple act of comparing men to dogs, Staples has achieved what a hundred years of psychology and self-help books haven't: She has finally made the male sex comprehensible."

Said the failed actress about the washed up model's book. Meow!

- Down, Boy [New York Post]

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Michael Brown Goes Down



Michael Brown, pictured here trying to visually demonstrate how little Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin helped to evacuate New Orleans before hurricane Katrina hit, was skewered by a special congressional committee yesterday.

"I'm happy you left," said Rep. Christopher Shays, R-Conn, referring to Brown's reassignment. "That kind of look in the lights like a deer tells me you weren't capable of doing that job."

"Oh yeah? Well fuck you and your wife!", said Brown angrily before he and Shays were pulled apart by Democratic Rep. of Louisiana, William Jefferson.

In a later testy exchange, Shays compared Brown's performance unfavorably with that of "a mentally challenged narcoleptic with both hands tied behind his back".

When asked if he had ANY regrets about how the emergency was handled, Brown only said "I very strongly personally regret that I was unable to persuade Gov. Blanco and Mayor Nagin to sit down, get over their differences, and work together. I just couldn't pull that off."

Apparently Brown didn't realize that Gov. Blanco and Mayor Nagin have been happily married for 12 years.

Committee Chairman Tom Davis pushed Brown on what he and his agency should have done to evacuate New Orleans. "That is not FEMA's role," Brown said. "FEMA doesn't evacuate communities." After being reminded that FEMA stands for Federal Evacuation Management Agency, Brown was flustered. "You can't expect me to know what all the acronyms in the world stand for! You just want me to be your acronym Superman, I guess!" Brown pounded the table fiercely before falling on the floor in a fetal position and sucking his thumb.

- Brown Shifts Blame for Katrina Response [AP]

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Bulletproof This!



Washington is investigating a company called Second Chance Body Armor who manufactures bulletproof vests for prominent citizens including the President of the United States. It seems as though their product was faulty, as the vests tended to deteriorate and malfunction when repeatedly exposed to light, moisture and heat. Also, Federal investigators are looking into whether the company concealed the defects even as it sold vests to the government and police agencies.

So let me get this straight. A morally questionable administration puts a large number of people in harm's way and then tries to cover up its ineptitude. Hmmm, where I have heard this story before? It's on the tip of my tongue.

- Summary: Maker of Defective Vests Probed [AP]

Friday, September 23, 2005

WMG's Vanishing History, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love The Incubator Initiative



Jackson Browne, Linda Ronstadt, The Eagles, Joni Mitchell, Bread, Tom Waits, Warren Zevon and Judee Sill. All names you know, right? Ok, not Judee Sill (but you should know her!). My point is this: they all recorded music during the 1970's on a label known as Asylum Records. Asylum Records was formed by David Geffen in 1972 before Elektra and Asylum were consolidated in 1974 by Warner Bros. and Geffen left to form Geffen Records in 1980.

Or was it all just a dream? Apparently, to the Warner Music Group, it was. In a press release celebrating Paul Wall's album reaching #1 on the charts, WMG had this to say:
Wall's album is the 3rd top ten hit for Warner Music Group's newly established Asylum Records since it was created a year ago as part of the company's incubator initiative. "I am thrilled that so many people are realizing Paul Wall's talent," said Todd Moscowitz, president, Asylum Records. "Our ability to identify and partner with some of the leading urban labels in the industry and help them take their artists to the next level truly validates the incubator initiative and the value that these partnerships create for everyone involved. First, Mike Jones, then Webbie, now Paul Wall, it's been a great year for Asylum Records."
In English, it seems that WMG is relaunching the Asylum label (the name kinda resembles Death Row, right?) as an attempt to cash in on the current rap market. But why use a name that already exists, even if it is in the past tense? Are WMG trying to distance themselves from their mostly white audience by overwriting the history of the label that brought you Bread, Jackson Browne and the like? It seems a bit sinister to me. And if anyone can explain to me exactly what the Incubator Initiative is, I would greatly appreciate it.

To see the "new" Asylum Records site, go here.

To view the history and discography of the real Asylum Records, go here.


- Asylum Records' Paul Wall Debuts at #1 [Reuters]

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Special Report: A Trip To North Korea



Nigel Robson, our on-location staff reporter, has submitted a wonderful piece about his recent trip to North Korea. He and his wife, Young-hae, visited North Korea in August of this year, and they were nice enough to give Baked Ziti an exclusive (Take that, Paula Zahn!). This special report is available both here and in the "Places" portion of the main site (use the appropriate link on the main banner).

Many thanks again to Nigel and Young-hae for their efforts.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Tom Waits Inadvertently Sues Louis Armstrong For Imitating His Voice



When General Motors opted to use Louis Armstong's "What A Wonderful World" to advertise its 2005 Buick LaSabre, Tom Waits apparently hit the roof. "I had been approached to do the ad, and after I declined they apparently used a soundalike," said Waits. At a baffling press conference, Waits also said:
"I am diametrically opposed to the use of my work in advertisements. It's like sticking a catalytic converter into my spleen: It's painful and you won't get much mileage on unleaded."
Most of Waits's speech was rendered unintelligible due to his speaking through a very large pencil sharpener as a makeshift megaphone. GM refused comment. DEVELOPING.....

- Waits Wails over Car Ad [Yahoo! Music]

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Two New Baked Ziti Radio Hour Episodes!

That's right! Two more episodes for your listening pleasure. Now in stereo!

Download the episodes here:
Episode 7
Episode 8
(You can also find the links at the top right-hand side of the site, along with the previous six episodes.)

Monday, September 12, 2005

Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown Dead At 81



If you never got the chance to see this guy in concert, too bad. He was an absolute dynamo, possessing a unique ability at both guitar and fiddle, and able to combine blues, country, jazz and Cajun music beautifully and effortlessly. I was lucky enough to see him perform about 5 years ago at Symphony Space; he played for three hours (this was a man in his late 70's, mind you) practically by himself. I was absolutely exhausted by the end, so energetic was his performance. Brown died in Orange, Texas away from his Slidell, La. (a community near New Orleans) home, which had been destroyed by Hurricane Katrina few days prior. His death constitutes a huge loss to the music world.

- 'Gatemouth' Brown Dead At 81 [CBS News]

Friday, September 9, 2005

Ray Davies: New Orleans Thought and Memories



I know this is a bit long, but I just wanted to give this article more play than it is otherwise likely to get (yeah, I know, approximately 5 more people will read it as a result of this post). But I found this to be an insightful viewpoint from one of my heroes regarding the current state of New Orleans, especially considering his being shot there about a year ago:

New Orleans - The ideal place to get shot
by Ray Davies

Away from the partying it was obvious to a dedicated follower of the city that disaster was around the corner

I SPENT the early part of last year in New Orleans recovering from gunshot wounds received as I was being robbed. It happened in the early evening as I walked down a quiet street with my girlfriend. There was a football game in town and the streets near the French Quarter were empty. The police presence was elsewhere. The incident itself was over in a flash but it plays over and over in my head and perhaps one day it will make sense to me.
I found out later that there were fewer than 2,000 police in New Orleans at that time and it reached such a point that there was talk of the city was importing officers from Cleveland. Anyway, thanks to someone’s mobile phone, the police eventually got to the scene.

Later, as I was carried into the emergency room at Charity hospital, a doctor reassured me that “New Orleans really is the best place to get shot”. They had, he explained, had plenty of practice.

The same week I was shot, I read that three other tourists were killed near to where I was attacked. Tourists were urged not to fight back after being mugged (I was continually reminded of this by the district attorney’s officials, who were critical of the way I chased the man who robbed my girlfriend).

There were additional complications to my injuries and my gunshot wounds were not as clean as first thought. Before I was taken in for my first operation, a priest came and gave me a little spiritual assistance. Later I was even serenaded by a nurse who whispered slow, mournful gospel songs in the style of Mahalia Jackson.

During my initial week-long stay in hospital and lengthy recuperation, I observed first-hand the bankruptcy of the New Orleans health system. Several doctors who treated me actually apologised for the low standard of healthcare in Louisiana. Even so, they gave me the best of what they did have, for which I am grateful.

I have just looked through some notes in the diary I made after I was operated on and one seems chillingly relevant. “How can the USA be expected to look after the whole world when it cannot even look after its own?” So it doesn’t surprise me to see the world reacting with shock to the “Third World” conditions in New Orleans “in this, the richest and most powerful country in the world”. I could have told them that.

But I have been astonished by the reactions and apparent shame of some of the US television reporters who seemed overwhelmed to discover that there actually is poverty in America. They made me want to grab my television and shout “Hello, dear reporter, yes, America actually does have poor and underprivileged people as well. Hello, yes, the President might well be slow to react but at times like this, that’s all that an over-burdened, out-of-touch president can be.”

After watching the scenes on television in the past few days, it occurred to me that if any place in the world could survive this catastrophe, it would be New Orleans. Significantly, in the most deprived parts of the city, there are churches and Gospel halls. Faith has to be strong because often it is all most of the people have.

When I was last in New Orleans, I was driven around the city by a friend who pointed out the pump houses that seemed antiquated to me even then. The levees seemed insufficient for the amount of water surrounding the city. The roads were uneven and the tap water pressure in most houses was weak. The whole system appeared improvised, but according to my friend it all “seemed to have worked well enough so far given that there is not enough funding to improve it ”. Locals would joke: “Yep, it is like the Third World but, hey, this is N’Awlins. Nothin’s perfect. That’s what’s so great about it.”

I agreed but deep down I felt the whole infrastructure was very fragile. New Orleans is a party town, after all, and when tourists walk down Bourbon Street drinking frozen Daiquiri during Jazz Fest, crime, unemployment and environmental issues are far from their minds.

It was clear to me, however, that away from all the festivities something disastrous was on the cards. Too many things pointed in that direction. Why didn’t the people who are supposed to be experts on this stuff react sooner? The problem we all know by now is money. Budgets. America’s preoccupation with wars overseas. Nobody cares about the poor. Etc, etc.

At the time of my shooting I was trying to develop a musical event for a local school in New Orleans to raise funds for instruments and new uniforms for them to wear at Mardi Gras. Music, particularly in the school marching bands, gives many of the kids down there an opportunity to participate in the local community. This in turn raises their expectations and it is to be hoped, stops them descending into the local drug and gang culture waiting around the corner. I was due back later in the year to put on a show for Thanksgiving to raise a few extra bucks for the community. This all seems so trivial now.

But the reality is that without its music New Orleans would have been a forgotten city long ago. The music of the American South inspired me and helped to shape me as a musician. They say that jazz started on Perdido Street in New Orleans and even Louis Armstrong honed his trade in the honky-tonks on Bourbon Street.

I owe as much to music of the Southern states as I do to the British music that inspired me. If New Orleans is allowed to die, a crucial part of the world’s musical heritage will disappear.

Right now, the flooded streets of New Orleans might seem just an American responsibility but sometimes even the most powerful people need help. Whatever we think of George W. Bush we cannot take it out on the poor and needy in Louisiana and Mississippi. (He won’t be there in four years — they will.) Numerous people befriended me while I was there. Gradually, word is getting back to me that they are safe. One friend made it to Dallas with her family. Others are now scattered across the South: Jackson, Mississippi, Memphis. One musician friend is still missing.
I think about what has happened to some of the faceless, scary “neighbours” who kept me awake at night while they partied and chanted songs on the corner of St Claude and Governor Nichols when I last stayed there. I hope they made it.

And lastly, I think about the bicycle I left behind. New Orleans is almost entirely flat — as the world knows all too well now — and I found that a bike ride was a great way to get around while strengthening my injured leg.

When I left last year I forgot to put the padlock on my bike. Whoever took it, I pray that they get to ride it around the French Quarter again soon.
[http://www.timesonline.co.uk/]

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

I Am Addicted To House Of Cosbys



After my previous post, I was so tangled up in the Bill Cosby Talks To Kids About Drugs mp3s that I completely overlooked the now-cancelled Channel 101 series, House Of Cosbys. Now, I am completely hooked. There's something about four or five guys doing horrendously bad Cosby impersonations that is undeniably funny. Check it out here.

Again, thanks to Bill Cawley and waxy.org for the much-needed chuckle-inducement.

Friday, September 2, 2005

Bill Cosby Terrifies Your Children!



Thanks in advance to Bill Cawley for turning me on to this one:

There is a wonderful and crazy site called waxy.org that I strongly recommend you check out. About a week ago, there was a Bill Cosby extravaganza, the crown jewel being an entire album from 1971 entitled Bill Cosby Talks To Kids About Drugs. The entire album is available for download here. Do it, you won't be sorry. If you're extremely busy today (I seem to be the only one at my office this morning), just download "Captain Junkie" and "Dope Pusher." It will tickle you and disturb you at the same time. Bill Cosby has this power. You'll have no doubts after hearing this.

Thursday, September 1, 2005

Whack-Your-Boss-Mania!



This is the most fun I've ever had with a Flash file. This gives you a myriad of ways to kill your boss without hurting anyone. A true classic! It's been almost a week and it seems to stand the test of time.

Go here to load the file.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Was It Something I Said?

I received this angry email (entitled "screw you") in response to my Garth Brooks post from last week:
"you have no room to talk shit about garth you know nothing about him without looking something up on the internet about him you just a dump peice of shit that talks alot of shit about people that are more famous than you old smelly ass."
In my defense, I regret referring to Garth as "scummy," but I do strongly disagree with his rather scummy decision to support Wal Mart by giving them exclusive rights to sell his back catalogue. I still believe Wal Mart is an evil corporation that undermines the value of its employees, both morally and financially.

Hell, I'm just glad that anybody's actually reading this blog at all, to be honest. I'll take what I can get.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

To Helms And Back



Jesse Helms, among other things in his new memoir, compares abortion to both the Holocaust and the Sept. 11 attacks.

"I will never be silent about the death of those who cannot speak for themselves," the former senator wrote in "Here's Where I Stand," which is scheduled for release Tuesday. "Unless, of course, the people in question are Jewish, Black or Hispanic", Helms added. The 300-year old ex-senator denied in his memoir that he was the inspiration for popular Looney Tunes character Foghorn Leghorn, claiming that this myth is perpetuated by Helm's frequent use of the word "boy."

He claimed he opposed creation of a national Martin Luther King Jr. holiday in 1983 in part because the Senate rejected his amendment that would have unsealed the FBI's files on the civil rights leader and not because he is a caustic, imbecilic segregation-loving bigot.

"My legacy will be up to others to describe," says Helms.

Well, I think here's a wonderful description for starters. Enjoy.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Garth Brooks Turns Back Catalog Over To Satan



Garth Brooks is far scummier than even I thought possible.

The country superstar has signed a deal with the retail chain that will make Wal-Mart and its subsidiaries, Sam's Club and walmart.com, the only place fans will be able to purchase Brooks' entire catalog of music for the indefinite future.
"We understand the Wal-Mart customer and know that bringing them Garth Brooks exclusives in the upcoming years is something that'll excite them as much as it excites us," says Wal-Mart vice president David Porter in a statement.
He added that it is not quite as exciting as underpaying and abusing employees by locking them inside their stores overnight or even as exciting as ruining a smalltown's economy or "discouraging" the formation of labor unions.

The good news is that the Chris Gaines titles will still be available in all fine retail music outlets. At least I presume Chris Gaines, unlike his alter-ego, still possesses a soul.

- Garth Goes Wal-Mart [E! Music News]

Friday, August 19, 2005

No Child Left Alive?



There is a rather sneaky provision in the No Child Left behind Act, in which public secondary schools are required to provide military recruiters not only with access to facilities, but also with contact information for every student. Failure to do so will result in the loss of federal aid.

Keep in mind that the No Child Left Behind Act was signed on January 8, 2002 by our fair president, almost a year and a half before the war on Iraq. It begs the question: did the current administration add this provision already having made plans for the Iraq War? To be fair, it was signed shortly after September 11, 2001, along with several other bills severely limiting our freedom and privacy, so you could argue that it was an astute, if not a devious and underhanded, move on Bush's part.

However, the thing that really worries me is this. Says Mother Jones:
Educators point out that the armed services have exceeded their recruitment goals for the past two years in a row, even without access to every school. The new law, they say, undercuts the authority of some local school districts, including San Francisco and Portland, Oregon, that have barred recruiters from schools on the grounds that the military discriminates against gays and lesbians. Officials in both cities now say they will grant recruiters access to their schools and to student information -- but they also plan to inform students of their right to withhold their records. Some students are already choosing that option. According to Principal Shea-Keneally, 200 students at her school -- one-sixth of the student body -- have asked that their records be withheld.
So, my question is: if recruiters have exceeded their quota without resorting to these tactics before, does the sudden implementation of these tactics mean that a draft is imminent?

- No Child Unrecruited [Mother Jones]

Thursday, August 18, 2005

New Baked Ziti Radio Hour Episodes!

That's right, for the huge throngs of people clamoring to hear us babble, there are now three episodes of the Baked Ziti Radio Hour for you downloading pleasure. Also, they are now available as a convenient link on the top right-hand side of the page. Just look at your right hand and then look up. It's right below the email link. You can't miss it.

Enjoy.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Amway or the Highway?



A cab driver takes a fugitive couple on a 115-mile trip. The wife is bleeding with a gunshot wound to the leg. They both look as mean as hell. They claim to have lost their ID and ask the cabbie to book and pay for their motel room with cash. But none of this makes the cabbie suspicious.

What makes the cabbie suspicious--and ultimately leads to their capture--is their claim to be on their way to an Amway convention.
"They gave me no cause for suspicion other than the Amway thing that didn't stick," said cabbie Mike Wagers, referring to the couple's seeming reluctance to elaborate further on the subject.
He said real Amway sellers are aggressive about their products.

Ain't that the truth.

Friday, August 5, 2005

Introducing The Baked Ziti Radio Hour

That's right, we're going duomedia! We've finished our first Podcast and even managed to upload it to iTunes. The program format, so far, is a roundtable discussion featuring myself, Dwight Harvey, Jack Phillips and Michael Wilson. We'll be working out the kinks as we go along, but give it a listen.

Here's the link:

feed://www.jackphillips.com/bakedzitipodcast.xml

Just open iTunes, selected ADVANCED in the menu bar and SUBSCRIBE TO PODCAST. This should actually work (feel free to email me if it doesn't)

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before...

From the Times:
Freddy Rodriguez, 55, barreled through an intersection in the Bronx on Monday afternoon, killing the child, Saquan Williams Jr., and injuring his mother and her friend, the police said. Investigators said Mr. Rodriguez had been trying to play a prank on the owner of the truck, taking it to make the owner think it had been stolen.
An interesting footnote: when the inspector investigating the mishap asked Rodriguez the name of this prank, he outstretched both arms, fell to one knee and gleefully answered "The Aristocrats."

- Driver of a Delivery Truck Is Arraigned in Death of Child, 3 [New York Times]

Monday, July 25, 2005

A Bone Fide Scoop!



I don't know what kind of sickos constitute this grand city of ours, but one thing's for sure: they're pretty damn dedicated. Yesterday, I was walking along Hicks and Degraw, when I suddenly spotted what looked like dog feces with a toothpick flag through each individual....uh...piece. On closer examination, each of the flags featured the unmistakable likeness of our President, George W. Bush. My question is: what is this supposed to mean exactly? Don't get me wrong, I'm fascinated by it, but does anyone out there know the deeper significance? Is there one? Will this sort of thing replace stenciling? I'm scared.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The Lowdown on John G.



So far, this is what now.org has dug up about the man who will most likely be our newest Supreme Court justice:
  • Former Deputy Solicitor for Kenneth Starr.
  • Associate White House counsel for four years under the Reagan Administration.
  • Overturning Roe was such a primary focus of the Reagan Administration's Justice Department that during an oral argument by the nominee to the Supreme Court a Justice asked, "Mr. Roberts, in this case, are you asking that Roe v. Wade be overruled?" His reply was, "No your honor, the issue doesn't even come up." To this the justice replied, "Well that hasn't prevented the Solicitor General from taking that position in prior cases."*
And so on and so on.... Check it out:
John G. Roberts [now.org]