Don't Bogart That Feeding Tube!

Pope John Paul II, who, due to throat problems, is being fed through a tube, declared in his "living will" that life-extending treatments are a moral duty for Roman Catholics. He has not even once offered to share his tube with Terri Schiavo. If he could speak, his holiness would probably make excuses like "Well, she lives over 3.000 miles away" or "Her husband wants her to die." Pretty lame excuses, if you ask me. The Pope, who is somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 years old, should adopt a more clear Christian attitude when it comes to sharing the feeding-tube-wealth. I guess the life-extending treatments are only for the more privilidged Roman Catholics, eh Pope? I, for one, see it as a sickening display of selfishness typical of the guidelines laid down in Vatican II.

Burger King's Enormous Overhype

Why is Burger King’s “Enormous Omelet Sandwich” getting so much media attention? Burger King’s marketing department must feel all squirmy-good with the free publicity. There is nothing shocking about 730 calories for an orgy of bread, eggs, cheese, sausage and bacon. Check out the competition: mainly, ordinary New York street breakfasts:  hefty cinnamon-raisin bagels with a block of cream cheese (800 calories?) and muffins as big as your head (another 800 calories?). This sandwich is a bargain at 730 calories and 47 grams of fat.  Where is the news story in this? Any big strapping male (BKs admits this is the target consumer) requires more that 2200 calories per day. So these consumers SHOULD have a 730 calorie breakfast! (Put down those fries!) I am a non-meat eating, calorie-counting fool and I am not disturbed by this sandwich. No one orders this sandwich innocently. A bigger crime is Starbucks Frappaccino at 830 calories and Au Bon Pain’s crumb cake. 

Jerry Springer: Air America's Cousin Oliver?

Well, it's official: The Air America Radio Network has jumped the shark. Or has it? Jerry Springer is getting his own radio show on 45 Air America stations starting April 1st. Says Springer:

"I said when I started the show that I am committed to making this radio program work, not only because I enjoy it, but because we need to hear progressive voices as well as conservative voices in our conversation today"

There's an old political saying that goes "It is permissible to walk across the bridge holding hands with the devil if you want to get to the other side." While Springer is hardly the devil, I fear that Air America, in an aggressive bid for ratings, is compromising their identity somewhat. I am saying this based on Springer's previous television work, which is perhaps unfair. This could, after all, be hugely beneficial for Air America and the almost non-existent progressive radio market. I guess we'll see.

Is Rosie's Blog For Real?

I'm sure this is pretty old news for some, by I am fascinated by what is allegedly Rosie O'Donnell's blog, fomerlyrosie, which features semi-coherent, mostly self-obsessed ramblings by Rosie in poetry form. I mean, this isn;t for real, right? If so, it's ghost written as a promo for her movie. Right? And, wait a second. Who's menopausal at 43? That's incredibly young for menopause, isn't it? I don't claim to be a doctor, but I think I'm right here.

Either way, I'm throwing down the gauntlet on this one. If formerlyrosie is genuinely O'Donnell's blog, then Rosie should help a poor, struggling blog out by link to bakedziti.net. That's right, Rosie. I dare ya! I double dare ya!

Subway Story

This morning, I took the 2 train to Times Square as usual. But the strangest thing occurred. I saw the most annoying man ever. He was wearing an incredibly shabby suit and clutching the New York Time (unfolded, of course). What I noticed most was the very thing he was not clutching: the pole. Consequently, as the train moved, the motion sent him stumbling all over the car. He just barely missed stepping on my feet no less than three times! Finally, I ripped my headphones from my ears and shouted "Hey, Stumblefish! Use the fucking pole! That's what it's there for!" He looked at me with confusion as I began to staple his New York Times to his forehead. He could tell by now that I was pretty upset. Right about then, the MTA police enter the car just looking for someone to harass. And, let me tell you one thing, it wasn't about to be me. I walked right up to the chubby one and said "Hey, Chubbs, having a busy day, then?" I leaned forward and fired a round of squid ink from the carnation attached to my lapels. Chubbs was really upset now. He was still rubbing his eyes and screaming while I jumped up and down yelling "Fare increase THIS, motherfucker!"

Okay, none of this really happened. Well, there was the annoying non-pole-grabbing guy, but the rest was made up. I got a little carried away. Well, anyway, have a nice day.

President Bush's Feeding Tube Reinserted

In a case full of bizarre twists, Congress moved to have our severely brain-damaged president reattached to the feeding tube sustaining his life. The tube feeding has twice been halted and resumed in the past amid legal wrangles. Until now, federal courts have turned the case back to state courts. Republicans said it was their duty to save a life that was still worth living, even if it was George W. Bush. If they did not act now, one said, President Bush's blood would be on their hands. Democratic opponents of the bill argued that it was wrong for Congress to play doctor or God and that overruling the state court's decision to allow the brain-damaged president to die would set a worrying precedent.

Bush lapsed into his present state after his heart was surgically removed in 1972.

A Joke For Friday

Okay. Here's my joke. ahem...

Kelsey Grammer says he might be interested in running for the U.S. Senate from California when he's finished with acting. Now, keep in mind, this is a confirmed cocaine addict. He could easily make president.

Well, the cricket noises are deafening. Better luck next time.

Should Eric Idle Be Put To Sleep?

Two weeks ago, the release of a sequel to an all-time classic, The Rutles, sent shivers of hope throughout the land, only to have that hope shattered into a million pieces. I, for one, had no such high hopes for this project. Eric Idle is, and has been for years, pathetically trying to cash in on his previous brilliance (Spamalot is looking to be about as good judging by some of the reviews I've read), only to find, in the words of Janis Ian, that payment due exceeds accounts received.

The title alone, Rutles 2: Can’t Buy Me Lunch, should by itself be a warning to anybody paying attention. (Okay, I’ll admit the original’s subheading, All You Need Is Cash, is hardly better. It has since been jettisoned). This aside, the basic concept here is the resuage of old footage supposedly beefed up using interviews by Tom Hanks, Clint Black and Robin Williams (also a candidate for enforced retirement). Worse still is Jimmy Fallon putting his signature "unfunny" stamp on the already unwatchable proceedings, going far out of his way to ruin whatever is left of his career after “Taxi.”

If you think I’m being harsh, chaeck out these Amazon reviews. Whoa!

To quote my father-in-law, I'm giving this two thumbs down because I only have two thumbs.

Baked Ziti Answers Back, Vol. 1

In a new feature, Baked Ziti attempts to answer the questions posed by Page Six' "Just Asking" section, using tips provided by our insiders:

• Q: WHICH well-preserved politician was seen at a prominent Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's office? The nurse went in after him with a tray of syringes that looked suspiciously like Botox . . .
  A: Senator Ted Kennedy
  
  
• WHICH formerly drug-addled actor is wearing such ridiculous clothes, people think he's relapsing? The eyeliner, earring and succession of silly hats don't seem very sober . . .
  
  A: Matthew Perry. Never mind the eyeliner, just take a look at "The Whole Ten Yards" for proof that he's still a user.
  
  
• WHICH teen queen isn't as clean as she'd like us all to believe? The wild child has a code name for her favorite drug, cocaine. She refers to it as "beeks," as in, "you guys got any beeks?"
  
  A: Our sources tell us it's Shirley Temple Black (our sources don't lie.)

OK. I hope that squelches a few rumors. Tune in next week for more.

Vive La Lance!

Well, the New York Post are nothing if not predictable. But even for them, their report on Lance Armstrong's decision to compete for France instead of the U.S. in the upcoming Olympics is particularly shrill and asinine. Calling him "Benedict Arnold Armstrong" and "Weasel on Two Wheels," the Post delivers the story with its usual tact. I only wish I had a scan of the Post's printed cover, featuring the picture above with a beret and mustache crudely drawn over it. I am somewhat disappointed by Armstrong's decision, but this brand of reporting is truly pathetic, even for the Post. They seem to be the only ones keeping the "Freedom Fries" mentality alive. Does anyone else still hate the French this much (for non-personal reasons, that is)? I mean, this type of flag waving is so 2003.

-TRAITOUR DE FRANCE [NY Post]

Cookie Bites Man!

Boy! Just when you thought this city couldn't get any more litigious, a Long Island man named Hoi Louis was ticketed for helping his daughter sell Girl Scout cookies in Williamsburg. The official charge? Selling cookies without a license.

This one you have to see to believe.

- Man Ticketed For Selling Girl Scout Cookies With Daughter

The Other Guy Blinked

Found this great site. Well, actually, another great site, Cityrag, found it. It's called Blink-O-Rama. Using television as its source, it features stills from various shows. All of the subjects are caught blinking. Such a simple premise, yet I find it deeply compelling and disturbing.

World Famous In The Czech Republic

If you scroll down to the middle of the page, you'll see my name (Gene Cawley) next to the word "multiinstrumentalista." My translators inform me that the word means "unable to bear children." But seriously, on this site is a link (to Dan Nester's site) where you can hear my performance of Freddie Mercury's non-classic title track from his first solo album, Mr. Bad Guy.

Click here.

A House At Pooh Corner Divided?

The U.S. Supreme Court questioned on Wednesday whether an enormous copy of A.A. Milne's classic "Now We Are Six" displayed on public property represented an unconstitutional endorsement of ageism or an acceptable historical symbol of literature.

A number of legal battles have taken place around the country in recent years on whether Milne's work should be displayed on government property, dividing the public and producing conflicting rulings by U.S. appeals courts. A similarly-sized copy of Milne's "The House At Pooh Corner" adorns the front of California State Criminal Court to almost unanimous puzzlement.

SCTV Volume 3 DVD

Well, I've barely had two seconds to watch any of it, but I'll critique what little I know about it thus far:

• The discs are arranged in much the same way as the Faces' Five Guys Walk Into a Bar box in that the discs themselves overlap in the packaging. You have to pull disc two out of the box in order to pull out disc one (if anyone knows the technical term for this, please email me).
• "Stairways To Heaven," a hilarious K-Tel send up featuring Slim Whitman, Buffy Sainte-Marie, Luciano Pavarotti. Rickie Lee Jones and others doing their rendition of the AOR staple, is missing. Musical extortionists Led Zeppelin obviously didn't feel as though the piece did justice to their overrated legacy and wouldn't license it. This also results in the deletion of an entire section of Linsk Minyk with the Happy Wanderers, in which they performed "Stairway To Heaven."
• The tribute to John Belushi, originally appearing at the end of The Great White North Palace, has been cut either because Broadway Video wouldn't allow clips to be used or the compilers considered it arcane and unecesssary.
• There is a bonus audio CD attached, From the Second City Stage, which features a compilation of Second City stage highlights.

Despite its unavoidable flaws, it is still a must-have for any SCTV fan. I would recommend buying it at either Amazon or J&R Music World, if you live in New York. The Virgin Megastore doesn't even have it on sale (and it's a brand new release. What's up with that?)

Al Franken Returns To Sundance Channel (Eventually)

Good news and bad news for Al Franken fans. The good news is that The Al Franken Show will be returning to the Sundance Channel. The bad news is that it won't be until June 6th and no timeslot has been discussed. Now, I used to listen to (and watch) the show religiously. Now that I have a "serious" job where I can hardly make a five-second personal phone call, let alone listen to the radio without being jeered (Hey, at least I have a job, so they keep telling me), I desperately miss listening to Katherine Lanpher and Al interact with each other and with their audience. I've never felt so out of touch with current events as I do right now, mere months after possibly the most important Presidential election ever. Franken was only ever contracted to be on Sundance through the election. This I didn't know until recently. Until a few weeks ago, I truly believed that Sundance, taking the re-election of Dubya as their cue, decided that Franken's agenda no longer suited their airwaves and dropped him like last year's health insurance. As the formerly-great Rod Stewart might say, "Look how wrong you can be." I feel that I owe Sundance a huge apology. But making us wait until June? That's plenty cruel, people.