Toby Keith Launches Restaurant Chain

Toby Keith, world famous country singer, has finally agreed to put his name on a new restaurant franchise. Called Toby Keith's Angry American Bar & Grill, Keith said the restaurant would have an atmosphere he approves of:

"Anyone who doesn't have one of those dumb-ass red, white and blue ribbon stickers that destroys the resale value of your car and solely exists to obnoxiously support the sending of our troops into harm's way unnecessarily will not even be allowed in."

Keith, who released his 20th Greatest Hits collection this week, says that "it's not a lot to ask of y'all for some good food. And I know that God would want you to eat here." Keith also denies the recent reports that he recently hired two assistants to drape an American flag behind him at all times. "It's just a coincidence," Keith says.

I Think I'll Paint a 7

Whilst composing a "best of super-old Sesame Street clips" DVD, I came across this clip featuring Paul Benedict and Stockard Channing from about 1969 or so. It involves a man who obsessively paints numbers wherever he goes. This particular clip carries a certain sentimental value. A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) loved this clip so much that, after an evening of seriously heavy drinking, he decided to emulate it in our mutual friend's grandmother's driveway. The next morning, she awoke to find the words "Hmmm...I Think I'll Paint A 7" in enormous white painted letters. Instead of calling the police, she gave my anonymous friend 24 hours to clean it up, and out of the goodness of my heart, I helped.



This one's for you, anonymous.



Click here to download.

Gamers and Shakers

On December 1st, Soft Skull Press will release Gamers: Writers, Artists, and Programmers on the Pleasures of Pixels, edited by Shanna Compton. During one the promotional events for this book, Dan Nester and I will be performing arcade-related songs between readings. Trouble is, we are having a bit of trouble coming up with appropriate titles. Here's what we have thus far:

• "Pac Man Fever" by Buckner and Garcia (a bit obvious, but only if you were a child of the 80's)
• "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
• I wanted to do "Whatever Happened to Pong?" by Frank Black (hardly a crowdpleaser)
• "By The Time I Get To Phoenix" maybe?

So, as you can see, we're way open for suggestions. Anybody?

Tom Jones Live At Irving Plaza, 11/18/04

"They say the mind's the second thing to go," joked Tom Jones to the sell-out crowd at Irving Plaza last night. "Trouble is, I've forgotten what the first thing was."



Well, it certainly wasn't his voice. Jones sounded better last night than I have ever heard him. His delivery and timing were perfect, his song selection exquisite. It amazed me how infrequently he relied on his old hits, and how little it mattered. He went through a dazzling array of moods and tempos, going from Bobby "Blue" Bland's "Who Will The Next Fool Be?" to a sublime rendition of Bob Seger's "We Got Tonight" in two moves.



After performing an excellent rendition of Howlin' Wolf's "Three Hundred Pounds of Heavenly Joy," retitled to accomodate Jones' slighter frame, Jones joked to the crowd. "Lucky for me, I'm only two hundred pounds!" The crowd roared.



All in all, it was a perfect performance. He couldn't put a foot wrong. I have never seen such an outpouring of love from a New York crowd to a performer.



The set list was (roughly) as follows:

• Tom Jones International
• Mama Told Me Not to Come
• Who Will the Next Fool Be?
• Delilah
• Just Help Yourself
• We Got Tonight
• She's a Lady
• If I Only Knew
• My Baby
• I Want to Thank You
• Mama & Daddy
• 200 Lbs Of Heavenly Joy
• At the End of the Road
• What Am I Living For
• I'll Never Fall in Love Again
• Green Green Grass Of Home
• What's New Pussycat
• You Can Leave Your Hat On
• Sex Bomb
• It's Not Unusual
• High Heel Sneakers
• Kiss
• Linda Lu
• Slow Down
• Life's Too Short to be With You

Target and Wal-Mart Merge

In order to compete with the recent merger of Kmart and Sears, Target and Wal-Mart have also decided to join forces. Renaming themselves Tar-Mart, they offer "goods at ridiculously low giveaway prices." The aim, according to spokesperson Perry Frank, is "to show our customers that we care enough about their budgets to employ child labor if necessary." When asked to elaborate, Frank added "We have nothing against child labor. Children are small, they eat less than adults, and there are fewer space issues when we lock them in our stores overnight. So, as long as they don't unionize or request healthcare, I say we're on to a winner here."

The Eagles Launch "Death Warmed Over" Tour

The Eagles, who have been on their "Farewell 1" tour (don't tell them, they thinks it's a clever title) for about eight years now, have announced yet another shamelessly-priced North American pilgrimage: $75, $175 and $250 for the really good seats where you can actually watch the paint dry up close (That's actually unfair. If you were watching paint dry, there would be some actual movement).



Now, it's no secret to anyone who knows me that I hate the Eagles. I mean REALLY hate the Eagles. I view them as a souless ripoff of a formula created and perfected by Gram Parsons and Chris Hillman, first with the Byrds and later with the Flying Burrito Brothers. The Eagles took this style called "country rock," commercialized it and made huge amounts of money in the process. One of the most boring live bands ever, they stand completely still delivering their corporate garbage to the masses.



Keep in mind that none of these comments are aimed at Joe Walsh, who I adore and whose soul I pray for every waking day. They are mostly directed Don Henley, who is one the most snide, self-righteous, humorless individuals ever to draw breath, exhibiting total contempt for his audience (at least on that we agree).



In 1998, when their Hell Freezes Over tour (another clever title) was starting, Henley had the audacity to sue the nonprofit National Foundation to Protect America's Eagles for using eagles.org as their web address. If that's not enough of a reason to hate them, then fine. You probably like Celine Dion, The Dave Matthews Band and fiberglass underwear. So, nyah!



I actually feel better now. Thanks for stopping by.

A Stranger In The House

I was talking to my sister for the first time in a long time yesterday. She is a nurse and mother of two who lives in Warminster, Pennsylvania in a house of enviable proportions (especially if you live in New York). We got to talking about her kids, her job and the films she no longer has the time to see, when she casually drops the bomb. "You know I voted for Bush, right?" Needless to say, I was stunned. I never imagined that she would camp with the enemy. Twenty minutes later, after regaining consciousness, I said something resembling "..Um..(ahem)...WHAT!?!?! What the %$#^!%$#@@%$!" And so on. I finally asked her why she would do such a thing. She replied "I didn't like Kerry." "Well..then why?.....Oh, never mind." I quickly realized that it didn't matter, Kerry took Pennsylvania anyway. I guess the point here really is that you may think you know your family, but take it from me, you DON'T. But blood is thicker than your average politician, so I've decided to forgive her.



But only because Kerry took Pennsylvania.

Cheney Still Not Dead

Vice President Dick Cheney was pronounced "officially not dead" after leaving a routine checkup performed "just to make sure the sadistic fucker doesn't croak," said an unnamed source. "Yeah, that would be just terrrrible!" the source added sarcastically. "If I didn't take his complaints about shortness of breath seriously, and then something happened.. Wow, I just would NEVER be able to forgive myself" he added, rolling his eyes. "He should have saved some of that breath during the campaign, right? RIGHT?" he repeated as our reporter walked away.

Did Kerry Actually Win?

According to Tompaine.com writer Greg Palast, Kerry actually won the popular vote in Ohio, as well as New Mexico, after all.

Today, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reports there are a total of 247,672 votes not counted in Ohio, if you add the 92,672 discarded votes plus the 155,000 provisional ballots. So far there's no indication that Palast's hypothesis will be tested because only the provisional ballots are being counted.

So, perversely, I actually feel better that there was fraud involved in this election (I cannot handle the notion that Bush won fairly). Not so for Palast, who says "I used to write a column for the Guardian papers in London. Several friends have asked me if I will again leave the country. In light of the failure—a second time—to count all the votes, that won't be necessary. My country has left me."

We're All Ashlee Simpson

Nekesa Mumbi Moody makes a rather weak case in defense of Ashlee Simpson by suggesting that lip synching has always been rampant in popular music and presenting the following examples as evidence:

- Now-classic footage from shows like "American Bandstand" featured artists lip-synching.

- Michael Jackson mouthed part of his superstar-making moment on the "Motown 25" TV show in 1983.

- Whitney Houston's spine-chilling rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" at the 1991 Super Bowl was prerecorded.

- And perhaps the only moments when Britney Spears did not lip-synch during her recent tour was when she said hello and goodbye to her audience.

Actually, Britney's hello and goodbye were prerecorded. Seriously though, I feel that Moody misses the whole point here. None of these shows actually feature live music. These programs exist to plug a product; in Whitney's case, the product is democracy.



We as a nation are not only taking this opportunity to attack Ashlee, but also what she stands for: the corporate celebrity machine posing as music. Saturday Night Live, a program that once featured artists such as Sun Ra, The Preservation Hall Jazz Band and Captain Beefheart, now has its "musical" segment sponsored by Budweiser and exclusively features boring corporate rock and hip hop acts. Saturday Night Live is a shadow of its former self, that must be said, but outting a single program only obscures the symptoms of the greater illness. Corporate music not only sucks, but is becoming alarmingly less musical with each passing year. Eminem lip-synched during his SNL performance the week following Simpson's and nobody batted an eyelid. It hardly seems to matter; the performances are so homogenized, how can you possibly tell the difference?



"Must Simpson bear the cross alone, while all the entertainment world goes free?" Moody asks. Hardly. She's only being ridiculed because she got caught, and it was graceless, ugly and pathetic. She's young, she can take it. Since when does being a celebrity place you above ridicule? Mark my words, the publicity will do wonders for her career in a society lacking in taste, common sense and accountability.

A Message From Al

I wanted to post this message from Al Franken because I think everyone should read it:





MESSAGE FROM AL



Anytime you lose like this, there’s a certain amount of Wednesday-morning quarterbacking and woulda-coulda-shoulda. I have no regrets myself, but as I look back at Kerry’s campaign, there are a couple of points where, if he had it all to do over again, I think he should have done it differently.



For example, in the first debate, Kerry announced that he would put our national security decisions in the hands of France. He said very explicitly that we would have to pass a global test before using force. I think a lot of us watching at the time thought that that was a mistake.



Also, of course, the flip-flops, especially those about Iraq. Voting, as you know, for the war, then against it, for it, then against it-having, as Sean Hannity said, literally 80 different positions. I wish he could have chosen one position and stuck with it.



Kerry’s decision to ban the Bible. That was a huge mistake, especially in very Christian areas. That might have gone over fine in atheist communities, but it cost him big everywhere else.



And then proposing a health care system that would impose an enormous federal bureaucracy and give medical decisions to paper-pushers in Washington, and in France.



And going back to Vietnam, the way he lied about what happened, inflicted those wounds on himself to get those medals, and then threw them out-I think that was a mistake. Of course, that was a mistake that he made back then, decades ago. But he could have been more honest about it now.



A lot of people talk about Bush’s record, and what he might do in the next term, but what this really comes down to is character. And ceding your doctor’s authority to France, and the flip-flops, and shooting himself in the leg to win a medal-I guess those things just overcame the awful, failed presidency of George W. Bush.



***



You know I wouldn’t mind losing an election if it were an honest disagreement, based on facts, over values and policy. But that’s not what happened. A large majority of Bush supporters went to the polls believing things that were false. For example, any of the above. They believed lies about Kerry, and they believed lies about Iraq, and they believed lies about Bush.



We’re not going to heal this country as long as we have a president who won’t be accountable, who won’t tell the truth, who is willing to campaign with a vicious dishonesty that is unprecedented.



After Barry Goldwater was crushed by Lyndon Johnson in 1964, the right decided to take a long view. They poured literally billions of dollars into creating the right-wing infrastructure that dominates our politics today. They built up the American Enterprise Institute, the Heritage Foundation, the Media Research Center, and now Fox News Channel-and many other organizations, above and below the radar. Though they won the White House in 1968, it took them thirty years to reach their ascendancy in 1994.



Our side just started. Air America went on the air seven months ago. Normally, incumbent presidents either win by a landslide or lose by a landslide, and a year or two ago, people thought it would be an overwhelming Bush victory. It wasn’t. For an incumbent wartime president, this was a close race. And we’ve created a movement to take this country back. Even though we didn’t do it this time, I believe that we will still do it.



The other side wants us to get demoralized, but we are going to fight. We are going to fight every step of the way.



Round two starts now.





-Al Franken

The Bad Guys Win: Slightly Less Than 50% Of Nation Seriously Bummed

Well, what can I say? "There is no God" comes to mind.



President George W. Bush won this election fair and square, even I have to admit that. Though you could argue that he was given the opportunity only because he stole the first one, but that would be too bitter a sentiment.



Maybe I overestimated my country. Maybe there really are more thems than us's, a notion that literally hadn't occurred to me until now. But at least I live in New York City, a nation unto itself. And, hey, we did manage to elect Chuck Schumer for another term. So it ain't all bad, right?



I'm just kind of glad it's over so we can start talking about something else.



Offhand, I can't think of anything. Any suggestions?

Baked Ziti Endorses John Kerry For President

We've been deliberating for months, but we at bakedziti.net have come to the tough decision to endorse Sen. John Kerry for President of the United States. Though it may come as a shock to some of our faithful readers, we truly felt that we could not, in good conscience, endorse President Bush for another term. Largely because of his bad breath. Though this may seem frivolous method of determining which candidate to support, believe me it is still the best way. Also, our president cannot tie a tie to save his life, have you noticed that? I mean, the appendage usually ends below the crotch area. I don't know how he manages it, frankly. In a perfect world, he wouldn't be able to score a job in the White House cafeteria, let alone the top spot. And the fake Texas accent, urgh! He grew up in Connecticut, how does he have a Texas accent? And his ears stick out. I can't have a president whose ears stick out! What will my friends living abroad think?



Oh yeah, and the total abuse of power throughout his administration. That's a good one. Lying about the weapons of mass destruction; placing hundreds of soldiers in harm's way unnecessarily; using the Patriot Act as a means of silencing those who disagreed with the Iraq War; outing Valerie Plame, then lying about it; denying the Bush family's ties to Saudi Arabia; lying about his military service, then smearing John Kerry's war record; trying to prevent African-Americans from voting (the 2000 election and this one)...need I continue?



Yeah, we couldn't back a candidate like that. We'll endorse Kerry, thank you very much.