A Very Baked Ziti Flashback: "Hard Times"

This musical curio was an unqualified hit just before the 1992 elections. It utilizes sampled quotes from George Herbert Walker Bush and turns them into quite a clever little ditty. The artist was known as "Fresh Bush and The Invisible Man," a monicker used (most likely) to avoid a lawsuit. Given the fact that there was no video or any real promotion, "Hard Times" got a considerable amount of radio airplay at the time, and it sounds every bit as relevant today. Enjoy!



Click here to download the mp3.

It Can't Happen Here

This appeared in today's New York Post. Apparently, CBS is considering a "Friends"-type television sitcom titled Cobble Hill to be set (where else?) in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn. Though I technically live in Boerum Hill (a few doors down at most), I am extremely wary of this one.



As evidence for the prosecution, let's consider Cookin' In Brooklyn, a truly godawful show on the Discovery Home channel. What could have been a good show about cuisine around the Smith Street area turned out to be a terrible cooking show that tries to be a bad sitcom. For example,

Episode 1: Don't Call Me Cyrano - Alan's friend Paul uses some delicious appetizers prepared by Alan to woo his new girlfriend Amber, but when they turn out to be a hit, chaos ensues as Amber decides Paul is a good enough cook that he should prepare her dinner as well!

And it's at least as bad as it sounds, believe me. No one wanted the show to be worthwhile more than I did. Chaos not only ensued, but was victorious without breaking a sweat.



Now, what CBS has here is an idea for what will most likely be a bad sitcom. Think of the possibilities! I can see the opening montage now (music courtesy of the Cobble Hillbillies): the cast members impishly placing a fake mustache on that Michelin man in front of Robin des Bois before being chased away, followed by much giggling; a Laverne & Shirley-style zoom out of the Williamsburgh Bank Building, the top of which now reads "Welcome Brooklyn Visitors", etc., etc.



Maybe I'm just a curmudgeon, but I don't want my neighborhood to be famous. Not like this.

Dunleavy's Open Letter To John Kerry

Steve Dunleavy, in this morning's New York Post, has written an open letter to John Kerry in support of George W. Bush's election (I refuse to use the term "re-election"). In the next few days, Dunleavy's son, Peter, will be reporting for duty in Iraq. Dunleavy's response to Kerry "making it look like those guys and gals are just victims — wrong war, wrong time, wrong place [a phrase he repeats three times in the letter]", sounds remarkably as though it were directly lifted from Rush Limbaugh's transcripts:

How dare he say that to our brave boys and girls? How dare he whisper it — let alone shout it to the whole world?

Now, I can see how someone with no particular vested interest in the Iraq war could be so deliberately blind to the faults of our current administration, but how can someone whose son is being sent to Iraq take this stance? How can you, at this point, deny that the U.S. invaded Iraq under false pretenses? Or question that this administration isn't coming close to spending enough money to protect our soldiers with simple things like body armor? And how can you possibly take the stance that if you are not in support of this war, you are not supporting our troops? If you are a mere armchair quarterback, like most supporters of this war, then it's understandable.



It is clear from the article that Dunleavy's son wanted no part of his Dad's political grandstanding:

Now I am somewhere in Oklahoma to see off Capt. Pete, 37, my eldest boy. I ask him what he makes of Kerry's talk. "Dad, we don't listen to politicians. We listen to our commanding officers," he says, growing bored already with the conversation.

Dunleavy goes on to call Jane Fonda "Kerry's soul mate." This struck me as familiar. This is mainly because linking Kerry with Jane Fonda is exactly what the Bush propaganda film Stolen Honor tries to do. What a coincidence.



As despicable as it sounds, I get the feeling that Dunleavy didn't even write this letter, or he was forced to write it, as it reads exactly like the piece of right-wing propaganda it is. The only thing missing is the "Americans are safer" tag.



I honestly feel that Army Capt. Peter J. Dunleavy is a victim, not only of this administration, but of his father's wicked exploitation.



Just how powerful is this Murdoch guy?

Ashlee Simpson Scheduled To Pretend To Sing Live Again Tonight

After infamously failing to perform the simple act of lip synching on SNL, Ashlee Simpson walked off before the end of her second number, then blamed her band for the fact that she posseses no discernible talent. Ashlee Simpson will go through the motions of performing again in Las Vegas for NBC's "Radio Music Awards" tonight at 9 p.m. The walkoff is scheduled for about 9:14 p.m., "but you never know with these unpredictable musicians," said Joe Simpson, Ashlee's manager/father.



Elton John dismissed Ashlee in the press this morning as a "filthy pig" and a "worthless tart," before asking "Who's Ashlee Simpson? Is that O.J.'s wife? Well, anyway, she's a filthy pig!""



[UPDATE: I have been asked to point out that Elton John did not actually say the preceding quotes. I was making a joke regarding what a grouchy bastard he's been lately. I apologize to Elton, his family and whoever has been negatively afftected by this.]

The Potential For Joy In Mudville

Okay, so the Red Sox won. But let me present these simple facts about Boston:

-Their bars still close at midnight.
-They are, after nine years, still heavily mired in the Big Dig.
-They are the proud home of the Boston Strangler
-They are overrun with colleges (as opposed to us who are overrun run by one college (NYU)
-Boston traffic is horrendous
-They have those silly Stop & Shops as opposed to our far superior Key Foods and D'Agostinos (alright, I'm stretching a bit here)
-In general, we have a slightly more sensible way of pronouncing our r's (not much, that's true).
-The Great Boston Turkey Raffle Massacre happened there
-Did I mention the bars closing at midnight thing?

OK, well, there you are. Don't you feel better now? I know I do.

Tampa Tribune Withholds Bush Endorsement

The Tampa Tribune, a newspaper that endorsed every Republican nominee for President of the United States starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower in 1952, with one exception (Barry Goldwater), states:

We are unable to endorse President Bush for re- election because of his mishandling of the war in Iraq, his record deficit spending, his assault on open government and his failed promise to be a "uniter not a divider'' within the United States and the world.



What bothers us is that the president says that even knowing what he knows now, he still would have invaded Iraq because Saddam had the "intent'' to make nuclear weapons and was a ruthless dictator who killed his own people. If this nation-building succeeds, the president says, we will have built a friend in the Middle East.



Bush has yet to veto a single spending bill. Even Franklin Roosevelt scaled back New Deal programs after Pearl Harbor. The result: Bush has turned the $150 billion surplus he inherited into a $450 billion deficit.

They also go on to criticize the Bush administration's secretive tactitcs:

According to the libertarian Reason Foundation, Bush has nearly doubled the number of classified documents, urged agencies to refuse Freedom of Information Act requests and invoked executive privilege wherever possible.



His administration doesn't want citizens to know when hazardous chemicals are routed through their towns, how the repair of tenuous electric grids is going or who was at the table to form the nation's energy policy.

The also refuse to back Kerry, mostly due to faulty information: that Kerry supports a "Global Test" (not true); that "He supported the war in Iraq, then opposed adequately funding the troops." (Kerry supported giving Bush the authority to enter Iraq for more aggressive weapons inspections as a bid for peace (not war), Kerry later voted against a bill featuring an increase in troop funds because the bill also featured a huge tax cut for those earning over $200,000 a year (tax cuts are normally unheard of in times of war), etc., etc.....



Anywho, they conclude their non-endorsement by saying with certainty that "America is the greatest country on earth and will survive, no matter the outcome on Nov. 2."



Well, I can't argue with that.

Tucker's Turn

OK. This is the last time I'll post anything about the Jon Stewart Crossfire incident, but Page Six came out with this piece, pretty much giving Carlson's lame counter-view on the event:

"It was like a really bad freshman survey course. Just one long lecture. Not a single joke was told. People just don't want to be who they are. Every actor wants to be a director. It's not good enough for Barbra Streisand to star in 'Yentl.' She has to be a foreign policy expert, too."

Now, is this monster suggesting that Streisand is a lousy director? Of all the nerve!



The New York Times' Alessandra Stanley came out with this predictably superior piece today. Countering Carlson's charges of Stewart not being funny, Stanley asserts, "Mr. Stewart was funny. And it was at their expense."



So there.

Crossfire Hacks Attack Stewart

I was taping CNN's Crossfire, hoping it was a repeat of Friday's show with Jon Stewart, when I saw the tail end of a new episode where James Carville and Robert Novak read viewer mail reacting to Stewart's Friday appearance. It seems as though they couldn't find an American viewer who disagreed with Stewart, as the naysayer was Canadian. The other viewer was from Texas and applauded the show for allowing Stewart's viewpoint to be heard.



Carville repeatedly claimed that Jon Stewart attacked Ted Koppel on his Crossfire appearance, but I don't recall him doing this. [UPDATE: I think this is what he was referring to, though it's fairly benign. Here it is.] Carville, defending his livelihood, also claimed that he is "kinda proud of being a hack," while Novak repeatedly denounced Jon Stewart as "uninformed and unfunny." Can you feel the warmth?



Click here to download the clip.

Jon Stewart Takes Tucker To Task

Though the entire world has probably seen this by now, I still felt I should congratulate One Good Move for a job well done on this wonderful clip:



Jon Stewart on CNN's Crossfire

iN DEMAND Refuses To Air Michael Moore Pre-Election Special

Kowtowing to unknown forces, the cable pay-per-view company iN DEMAND backed out of their deal to air The Michael Moore Pre-Election Special due to "legitimate business and legal concerns," according to an iN DEMAND spokesperson. The special was to air on November 1, the evening before the election. iN DEMAND would not elaborate on their statement, but Moore believes they decided not to air the film because of pressure from "top Republican people." Moore has threatened to sue iN DEMAND for beach of contract.

He Can't Possibly Be Serious

In today's New York Post, Dick Cheney commented on Sen. John Kerry's remarks concerning Cheney's openly-gay daughter, Mary:

"You saw a man who will do and say anything to get elected," Cheney said at a rally in Florida. "And I am not just speaking as a father here, although I am a pretty angry father."

Well, angry father I can buy, but ha ha... ha ha did he..ha ha actually accuse Kerry of DOING ANYTHING TO GET ELECTED!?!?! Is he preaching to people who live under rocks? Not to lose what little journalistic composure I have, but JESUS, are these people absolute scum!



Just to clarify, this is the actual quote from Wednesday's debate:

"We're all God's children ... and I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she's being who she was. She's being who she was born as. I think if you talk to anybody, it's not a choice,"

Well there's hardly a chance of that, since she's about the only person in Cheney's family not to comment on the obviously vicious, hateful quote. What exactly is the offending item within the quote? That Mary is one of God's children? That she is being who she is? I fail to see what the GOP finds offensive about this quote.



As for doing or saying anything to get elected, maybe the man Cheney is referring to is George W. Bush. I saw him. Didn't you?

FCC Will Not Block Airing of Anti-Kerry Documentary

Well, I can't say that I'm surprised, but Michael Powell will not take any action to block the Sinclair Broadcasting Group's airing of Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal, a obviously-right-wing-piece-of-propaganda-posing-as-a-documentary covering Kerry's antiwar activities. Defending the FCC's non-action, Powell said this:

"Don't look to us to block the airing of a program. I don't know of any precedent in which the commission could do that."

The documentary is due to air two weeks before the presidential election.



The FCC is also turning a blind eye to fake right-wing-propaganda-posing-as-newscasts currently airing on Sinclair affiliates. Go here for more on that subject.

Bush Claims To Be Fully Prepared For Third Presidential Debate

"They'll never be able to detect this earpiece," President Bush was overheard exclaiming to his advisers. The "hidden" earpiece, which most closely resembles those featured on Monday Night Football, already has insiders talking. "I don't get it," said Kerry campaign manager Tad Devine, "does he think it's invisible or something? Wait. He's actually going to wear that during the debate? Well, okay."



This comes hot on the heels of the controversy surrounding the first presidential debate, when George W. Bush dismissed reports accusing him of wearing a novelty arrow-through-the-head throughout the debate, saying "that's just what left-wing internet nutcases would like to think about me. And it's nonsense!"

Stolen Airwaves: Goons That Never Heel

Between October 21 and 24, Sinclair Broadcast Group will force the local television stations it owns and operates to preempt regular network broadcasts and devote one hour to Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal, an anti-John Kerry documentary that criticizes his anti-war activities. Though the FCC (whose chairman, Michael Powell, is Colin's son) and the Federal Election Commission are investigating the matter, it doesn't look promising.



Please take a moment and go here to sign this petition (something I normally would never ask anyone to do).



Also, here is a list of their advertisers. You know, just in case you're interested in, you know, boycotting them.

Girls In My Trunk

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a bar with writer/poet Jennifer L. Knox, when the subject of the Beach Boys came up. I love them, she absolutely hates them. She did, however, write some lyrics for a proposed mock-Beach Boys song. I couldn't resist putting them to music. Originally, I wanted to make it an uptempo number, but I settled on a ballad.



Click here to download the song.
Click here to view the lyrics.

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It

Does this ominous bit of graffiti signify an imminent terror strike? The numbers are said to represent November 3, 2004, the day after the presidential election. The mysterious numbers are accompanied by a crude silhouette of what looks like a bomb. Is this right-wing propaganda akin to the "Osama Votes Kerry" stencils? The residents of Kensington, Brooklyn, largely populated by Jewish and Muslim groups don't think so, despite the fact that a local "unrepentant graffiti crew" claimed responsibility for the stencils, claiming the numbers didn't symbolize anything. Acccording to the New York Post:

it turns out "1134 NYC" is a graffiti group from Staten Island that has branched out to promotions, art shows and even products. Members even have an online store of stickers and posters. The bomb represents slang for graffiti writing — also called "bombing" — and 1134 is an old beeper code between friends, said one of the founding members who goes by the name "Mint." "I don't really meet people too often that have those sorts of problems," Mint said of Sam's fears. "But if I do, I'll tell them that they're a little too uptight."

Hmmm. Too uptight? Maybe. With good reason? Definitely.

The Mad Libs Sestina

This is positive proof that the man who invented Mad Libs is currently laughing all the way to the pencil. Joke courtesy of Andy Kindler, McSweeney's link courtesy of Dan Nester.



Thank you.

Rodney Dangerfield Dead at 82

As Gary Cooper was alleged to say in his final days, "I figured they would have licked this death thing by now." Unfortunately not. After undergoing heart surgery in August and suffering a stroke, Dangerfield had been in a coma about a week, regaining consciousness about a few days ago.



Apart from being a brilliant stand-up comedian, he left behind several cinematic comedy classics (though his application to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was cruelly rejected in 1995), most notably Caddyshack (1980). The Mercury News collected a few of Rodney's most famous one-liners in an attempt to cheer us up.

Bishop Desmond Tutu on The Daily Show

Promoting his new book, God Has A Dream: A Vision of Hope For Our Time, on Jon Stewart's The Daily Show, Desmond Tutu was incredibly compassionate, and downright adorable. Assessing the global perception of Americans abroad, he said:

Most people believe that you are wonderful people. But can't understand what you're doing. Export not bombs, but your compassion and your generosity.

He concluded with the hope that one day "we will realize that we are all part of God's family. No exceptions."



I must say that I found this all deeply moving. Though I am not a tremendously religious person (as evidenced by all those mean things I said about the Pope), I would highly recommend catching this interview when it is repeated. Incidentally, Comedy Central runs the show approximately thirty times a day.

White Punks On Pope

Pope John Paul II (yep, still alive) has beatified the last Austro-Hungarian emperor, Charles I, best known for authorizing the use of mustard gas during World War I. But he also, according to the Vatican, cured a nun of vericose veins. "I hope Emperor Charles will serve as an example, especially for those with political responsibilities in Europe today," the pope said during the ceremony in Saint Peter's Square. Critics claim the Pope's actions were brought about by pressure from the conservative right. And here I thought he just had an unrequited love for mustard gas.