Toby Keith Launches Restaurant Chain

Toby Keith, world famous country singer, has finally agreed to put his name on a new restaurant franchise. Called Toby Keith's Angry American Bar & Grill, Keith said the restaurant would have an atmosphere he approves of:

"Anyone who doesn't have one of those dumb-ass red, white and blue ribbon stickers that destroys the resale value of your car and solely exists to obnoxiously support the sending of our troops into harm's way unnecessarily will not even be allowed in."

Keith, who released his 20th Greatest Hits collection this week, says that "it's not a lot to ask of y'all for some good food. And I know that God would want you to eat here." Keith also denies the recent reports that he recently hired two assistants to drape an American flag behind him at all times. "It's just a coincidence," Keith says.

I Think I'll Paint a 7

Whilst composing a "best of super-old Sesame Street clips" DVD, I came across this clip featuring Paul Benedict and Stockard Channing from about 1969 or so. It involves a man who obsessively paints numbers wherever he goes. This particular clip carries a certain sentimental value. A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) loved this clip so much that, after an evening of seriously heavy drinking, he decided to emulate it in our mutual friend's grandmother's driveway. The next morning, she awoke to find the words "Hmmm...I Think I'll Paint A 7" in enormous white painted letters. Instead of calling the police, she gave my anonymous friend 24 hours to clean it up, and out of the goodness of my heart, I helped.



This one's for you, anonymous.



Click here to download.

Gamers and Shakers

On December 1st, Soft Skull Press will release Gamers: Writers, Artists, and Programmers on the Pleasures of Pixels, edited by Shanna Compton. During one the promotional events for this book, Dan Nester and I will be performing arcade-related songs between readings. Trouble is, we are having a bit of trouble coming up with appropriate titles. Here's what we have thus far:

• "Pac Man Fever" by Buckner and Garcia (a bit obvious, but only if you were a child of the 80's)
• "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
• I wanted to do "Whatever Happened to Pong?" by Frank Black (hardly a crowdpleaser)
• "By The Time I Get To Phoenix" maybe?

So, as you can see, we're way open for suggestions. Anybody?

Tom Jones Live At Irving Plaza, 11/18/04

"They say the mind's the second thing to go," joked Tom Jones to the sell-out crowd at Irving Plaza last night. "Trouble is, I've forgotten what the first thing was."



Well, it certainly wasn't his voice. Jones sounded better last night than I have ever heard him. His delivery and timing were perfect, his song selection exquisite. It amazed me how infrequently he relied on his old hits, and how little it mattered. He went through a dazzling array of moods and tempos, going from Bobby "Blue" Bland's "Who Will The Next Fool Be?" to a sublime rendition of Bob Seger's "We Got Tonight" in two moves.



After performing an excellent rendition of Howlin' Wolf's "Three Hundred Pounds of Heavenly Joy," retitled to accomodate Jones' slighter frame, Jones joked to the crowd. "Lucky for me, I'm only two hundred pounds!" The crowd roared.



All in all, it was a perfect performance. He couldn't put a foot wrong. I have never seen such an outpouring of love from a New York crowd to a performer.



The set list was (roughly) as follows:

• Tom Jones International
• Mama Told Me Not to Come
• Who Will the Next Fool Be?
• Delilah
• Just Help Yourself
• We Got Tonight
• She's a Lady
• If I Only Knew
• My Baby
• I Want to Thank You
• Mama & Daddy
• 200 Lbs Of Heavenly Joy
• At the End of the Road
• What Am I Living For
• I'll Never Fall in Love Again
• Green Green Grass Of Home
• What's New Pussycat
• You Can Leave Your Hat On
• Sex Bomb
• It's Not Unusual
• High Heel Sneakers
• Kiss
• Linda Lu
• Slow Down
• Life's Too Short to be With You

Target and Wal-Mart Merge

In order to compete with the recent merger of Kmart and Sears, Target and Wal-Mart have also decided to join forces. Renaming themselves Tar-Mart, they offer "goods at ridiculously low giveaway prices." The aim, according to spokesperson Perry Frank, is "to show our customers that we care enough about their budgets to employ child labor if necessary." When asked to elaborate, Frank added "We have nothing against child labor. Children are small, they eat less than adults, and there are fewer space issues when we lock them in our stores overnight. So, as long as they don't unionize or request healthcare, I say we're on to a winner here."

The Eagles Launch "Death Warmed Over" Tour

The Eagles, who have been on their "Farewell 1" tour (don't tell them, they thinks it's a clever title) for about eight years now, have announced yet another shamelessly-priced North American pilgrimage: $75, $175 and $250 for the really good seats where you can actually watch the paint dry up close (That's actually unfair. If you were watching paint dry, there would be some actual movement).



Now, it's no secret to anyone who knows me that I hate the Eagles. I mean REALLY hate the Eagles. I view them as a souless ripoff of a formula created and perfected by Gram Parsons and Chris Hillman, first with the Byrds and later with the Flying Burrito Brothers. The Eagles took this style called "country rock," commercialized it and made huge amounts of money in the process. One of the most boring live bands ever, they stand completely still delivering their corporate garbage to the masses.



Keep in mind that none of these comments are aimed at Joe Walsh, who I adore and whose soul I pray for every waking day. They are mostly directed Don Henley, who is one the most snide, self-righteous, humorless individuals ever to draw breath, exhibiting total contempt for his audience (at least on that we agree).



In 1998, when their Hell Freezes Over tour (another clever title) was starting, Henley had the audacity to sue the nonprofit National Foundation to Protect America's Eagles for using eagles.org as their web address. If that's not enough of a reason to hate them, then fine. You probably like Celine Dion, The Dave Matthews Band and fiberglass underwear. So, nyah!



I actually feel better now. Thanks for stopping by.

A Stranger In The House

I was talking to my sister for the first time in a long time yesterday. She is a nurse and mother of two who lives in Warminster, Pennsylvania in a house of enviable proportions (especially if you live in New York). We got to talking about her kids, her job and the films she no longer has the time to see, when she casually drops the bomb. "You know I voted for Bush, right?" Needless to say, I was stunned. I never imagined that she would camp with the enemy. Twenty minutes later, after regaining consciousness, I said something resembling "..Um..(ahem)...WHAT!?!?! What the %$#^!%$#@@%$!" And so on. I finally asked her why she would do such a thing. She replied "I didn't like Kerry." "Well..then why?.....Oh, never mind." I quickly realized that it didn't matter, Kerry took Pennsylvania anyway. I guess the point here really is that you may think you know your family, but take it from me, you DON'T. But blood is thicker than your average politician, so I've decided to forgive her.



But only because Kerry took Pennsylvania.