Rock Massacres, Vol. 6: Paul McCartney

There have been many rumors over the years about Paul McCartney being dead. There is recent evidence that contradicts the popular belief that Paul was killed in late 1966 in a car crash. Judging by this rare footage from early 1967, Paul was being interviewed by the BBC, talking rather incoherently, when tragedy struck. Take a look at the footage and judge for yourself.

Click on the image to view it.

Barack Obama Voted President-Elect

Well, I gotta say, this is even more of a shock than the Phillies winning the World Series, only because there are so many more ways to lose an election than a baseball game. This really fell into the "I'll believe it when I see it" category.

I just want to thank all of you out there for getting out and voting. I haven't felt this great about the future in a long time. Both McCain's concession speech and Obama's acceptance speech were delivered with the kind of grace and mutual respect that has been missing in American politics for far too long.

Thanks for being patient with my political rants of the past two months. I promise not to write about politics again, at least not for a month or two. From here on, it will mostly be the trivial nonsense you've become accustomed to when reading this blog. I promise.

- Obama rides wind of change to historic victory [Reuters]

Phillies Win World Series

Well, I guess I might as well let the cat out of the bag: I'm secretly from Philadelphia. I'm not ashamed of it; it's just never come up before.

The Phillies, for the first time in 28 years (and, yes, I was very much alive when it happened) have won the World Series for a second time. I can hardly believe it.

I really don't want to say anything else in case I jinx it (there's still time).

- Fightin’ Phils are World Series champions [Philly.com]

McCain's RoboCall, pts. 1-4

Here are the transcripts of the latest McCain-RNC robocalls about Bill Ayers, abortion, Hollywood and (yet again) Bill Ayers. Click on the links to listen to the calls:

Call #1:
"Hello. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization bombed the U.S. Capitol, the Pentagon, a judge's home and killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his Democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. This call was paid for by McCain-Palin 2008 and the Republican National Committee at 202-863-8500."

Call #2:
"I'm calling on behalf of John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama and his Democrat allies in the Illinois Senate opposed a bill requiring doctors to care for babies born alive after surviving attempted abortions -- a position at odds even with John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. Barack Obama and his liberal Democrats are too extreme for America. Please vote -- vote for the candidates who share our values. This call was paid for by McCain-Palin 2008 and the Republican National Committee at 202 863 8500."

Call #3:
"Barack Obama and his fellow Democrats got caught putting Hollywood above America. On the very day our elected leaders gathered in Washington to deal with the financial crisis, Barack Obama spent just 20 minutes with economic advisers, but hours at a celebrity Hollywood fundraiser. Where are the Democrats' priorities?"

Call #4:
"Barack Obama and his fellow Democrats aren't who you think they are. They say they want to keep us safe, but Barack Obama said the threat we face now from terrorism is nowhere near as dire as it was in the end of the Cold War. And Congressional Democrats now want to give civil rights to terrorists."

And here I thought the negative campaigning was over. Someone should alert the McCain campaign that a very unfriendly robot is saying all of these horrible and untrue things about his opponent. I'm sure he'll put an immediate stop to it once he's found out.

-Palin Dismisses Powell Endorsement, Won't Reject Robocalls [ABC News]

McCain Campaign Links Barack Obama to The Velvet Underground

In yet another desperate attempt from the McCain-Palin ticket to discredit Barack Obama with half-truths, Sarah Palin, speaking to a crowd in Jacksonville, Florida, Palin said the following:

"Well, gee whiz, according to the Buffalo Courier-Express, Barack Obama was heavily involved with a group calling itself the Velvet Underground. I mean, I don't know about you, but I hardly think this type of behavior is the kinda Country First kinda attitude that someone who wants to be our president should be behavin' like."

This statement was followed by loud boos and jeers from the crowd. But here are the facts that the McCain-Palin campaign may be unaware of, or simply omitted:

FACT: The Velvet Underground were a musical ensemble from the late 1960's and not a terrorist group (further proof of McCain being somewhat out of touch).

FACT: Obama was four years old when the Velvet Underground formed in 1965.

FACT: Obama never met any members of the group personally, though he and Lou Reed briefly shared an accordion teacher in the mid-1980's. Both have since abandoned the accordion.

FACT: The Buffalo Courier-Express ceased publication in 1982.

To make matters worse, the above picture was released to the Associated Press. A pathetic, preposterous hoax, it supposedly shows Obama standing just to the right of guitarist Sterling Morrison in a 1967 group portrait.

You Don't Need a Weatherman To Know Which Way the Wind Blows

I am becoming completely disgusted with the McCain campaign's recent attacks on Barack Obama concerning his alleged connections with William Ayers, a former member of a radical group called the Weather Underground. Obama was eight years old when Ayers participated in the bombings of New York City Police Headquarters in 1970, the United States Capitol building in 1971 and The Pentagon in 1972 in reaction to the Vietnam War. And even now his "connections" only go as far as living in the same district with him, and campaigning for educational reform together about three years ago.

McCain himself has significant connections to U.S. Council for World Freedom, an offshoot of the radical World Anti-Communist League, who supplied aid to guerrillas seeking to overthrow the leftist government of Nicaragua in the Iran-Contra affair. The U.S. Council for World Freedom has been linked to former Nazi collaborators and ultra-right-wing death squads in Central America. The group was dedicated to stamping out communism around the globe.

McCain resigned from the group in 1984, by which time he had little choice due to the impending Iran-Contra scandal.

Good piece of information, no? Why don't more people in the "liberal media" mention this? Hopefully, that will change if McCain persists in linking Obama to Ayers.

-McCain and the U.S. Council For World Freedom [Washington Monthly]

A Full Day's Supply Of Racial Stereotyping

I have to say that I am almost rendered speechless by this, though I shouldn't be all that surprised.

At the Family Research Council's annual Values Voters Summit in Washington, D.C. last weekend, the above souvenir was being sold. It is a box of waffle mix depicting a decidedly racist image of Barack Obama lovingly eyeing a stack of waffles, reminiscent of this particular bit of marketing. And for a topper (literally), there is this image of Obama in a turban (you know, just in case FOX News lets you forget for a fraction of a second that Barack's middle name is Hussein) with an arrow that reads "Point Box Toward Mecca For Tastier Waffles."

Hi-larious, no? Well, believe it or not, some humorless folk were actually offended by this exciting new product. Even the members of the Family Research Council issued this statement condemning the product. What's become of free enterprise, I say?

Apparently, the creators of the product, Bob DeMoss and Mark Whitlock, once worked at Focus on the Family. Gives you a warm fuzzy, doesn't it?

I really have nothing new to add to this story; I just wanted to point it out because most likely the mainstream media won't be anytime soon. And I wouldn't want this bit of "harmless satire" to go unnoticed.

Breakfast of chumps - [Los Angeles Times]

Credits of the Day: Entertainment Tonight

Think you're under appreciated? Try working for these guys. Yeesh.

Click on the image to see if you can spot the name of one of your loved ones. The smart money says you can't.

The Second Greatest Jingle Ever?

Over three years ago, I named what I felt was (and is) the greatest jingle in advertising history. I stand by my choice 1000%, but now I think I may have the second greatest jingle of all time. Trouble is, most of you won't remember it, unless you are my age (and I'm not divulging that bit of info). It's an old PSA for the Boy Scouts of America that aired way back in the 1970's (yeah, the boy scouts were around even at that point in time). Anyway, the jingle is a wonderful slab of Ides of March-meets-Jesus Christ Superstar meets, etc, etc. In short, wonderfully, if woefully inappropriately, funky and memorable. Also, I adore old TV ads that try to seem futuristic and instead give us a hilarious glimpse of how Neanderthal everything was, technologically speaking (check out that Colossus computer). Musically, I doubt that the whole of our current Top 40 houses as many musical hooks as in this 20-second ad.

Many, many thanks to MSTS1 for posting this on YouTube. I've been searching for it pretty much since YouTube's inception.

Enjoy. Click on the image to play the video.

Jesse Helms Dead at 86

To celebrate July 4th, I won't say anything nasty about the late Senator Jesse Helms: I'll have Howard Stern do it for me. This clip from 1994 concerns Jesse Helms' comments that "President
Clinton is not my commander-in-chief." Helms went on to say that if Clinton visited North Carolina, he'd better bring bodyguards. In the midst of this controversy, Helms was being considered for Chairmen of the Committee on Foreign Relations, a job Helms was eventually awarded, despite his comments.

One ironic remark is made in this clip. At one point, Stern suggested giving the Chairmanship to Larry Harmon instead of Helms.

Larry Harmon, much-loved creator of Bozo the Clown, died yesterday at age 83. At least will he will be sorely missed.

Click on the image to hear the clip. Happy 4th of July.

New Woodstock DVD in the Works?

File this under "exhaustive." Allegedly, an 18-DVD set is in the works featuring more of the "Woodstock Festival of Peace Love and Flowers" than ever. The new release, tentatively titled The Motherfucking Director's Cut, is a limited edition boxed set containing all three days worth of music, interviews, nudity and mud. It clocks in at just under 72 hours, covering absolutely everything recorded on August 15th to 18th, 1969. Here are just some of the highlights:

• Max Yasgur's speech, mercifully brief in the original film, now clocks in at just over 63 minutes.
• There is so much of The Band's set that you get to witness Robbie Robertson sing an acapella version of "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter"(a rarity, to be sure).
• You get to see the Who play Tommy in its entirety twice "merely for the opportunity to beat up Abbie Hoffman for a second time," said the Who's Pete Townshend.

But the real kicker is Santana's "Soul Sacrifice," again, a true highlight in the original film. But this version is so long that you actually have to change discs to view the whole thing, as evidenced by the featured clip. Personally, even I think this release may be too much of a good thing.

Click on the image to view it.

Rock Massacres, Vol. 5: Van Morrison

Today's massacre features one of the all-time greats, in my humble opinion: Mr. Van Morrison. The "song" he is singing here, simply known as "Thirty Two," comes from a one-day session at Bang Records in 1967 where Van spontaneously creates 31 songs in order to get out of his recording contract. It's a hoot and a holler, believe you me.

WFMU's Beware of the Blog not only provides some more detail on the subject, but streams all 31 songs for your listening pleasure. I especially recommend "Ring Worm" and "Want a Danish" for starters.

Click on the image to view the video.

Rock Massacres, Vol. 4: John Cale

Here's the latest massacre, and this time the honor goes to Mr. John Cale. Now, you at home may be asking "Why would you do such a thing to John Cale? I thought you liked John Cale." And it's true, I do. But these massacres aren't intended merely to punish substandard artists (except for Robert Plant; that was intentional), they are more a kind of love letter in the form of a brutal stabbing or beheading. As Noam Chomsky would say: "To truly love your idols, you must first depict them being horrifically slaughtered in some way, perhaps in a 30 second web-based video, just off the top of my head." I'll tell you, that Chomsky was a true prophet.

I should also point out that the image used is from an old vinyl compilation called Guts, which came out in 1977, a full three years before an enormously popular slasher film. Yeah, that John Cale was a true prophet.

Click on the image to view it.

Rock Massacres, Vol. 3: David Bowie

Here's the latest installment of Rock Massacres. This time, it's David Bowie's turn. Now, you may accuse this of being an inadvertent piece of commentary on Bowie's chameleon-like artistic nature which has allowed him to sustain a career for decades without entirely forming a concrete artistic identity. If ever he should discontinue adopting the "masks" of other artists, you may argue, he would artistically cease to exist.

I know that's what you're all thinking. Oh, don't try to deny it. It's perfectly natural to draw parallels like this.

But the truth is, I was just trying to be funny. And isn't laughter the greatest gift of all? No? Damn, I honestly thought it was. Sorry. Try to enjoy it anyway.

Click on the image to view it.

Rock Massacres, Vol. 2: Peter Gabriel

Well it looks as though this might become a series after all. Massacring rock stars is fun stuff. This one utilizes Peter Gabriel's second album cover in a way that makes me uncomfortable. But I'm easily made to feel uncomfortable. You'll notice that I sound uncannily nothing like Peter Gabriel, but this shouldn't prevent you from enjoying this bit of fluff.

Enjoy. Click on the image to view it.

Rock Massacres, Vol. 1: Led Zeppelin

My video shorts are beginning to make less sense as the days progress. Anyway, this one may become a series if you're not careful. VH1 is craving something just like this, I can feel it.

Enjoy. Click on the image to view it.

The Sky Is Shining

Well, another day, another rotoscope. Hey, I could go back to doing covers of Bee Gees songs if you don't like it! Yeah, I thought so.

Anyway, this one is from the interview scene in The Shining. This was always a favorite of mine and my friends in Philadelphia. In fact, this is pretty much inspired by an old buddy, Harry Arnold. We knew this movie inside and out to the point where we could perform a Burroughs-esque cut-up version of the film from memory. This vignette, I think, was one of them.

Incidentally, Harry now owns Darling's Coffeehouse & Cheesecake in Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia. Figured I'd give him a plug, though I doubt he has the time to read this (he sells a lot of cheesecake).

Anyway, hope you enjoy the silly short. Click on the image to view it.

Whatsamatta U?

Maybe I should find something more constructive to do with my life, but in the meantime, here's another rotoscope video, based loosely on the number of times Robert DeNiro asks the question "What's the matter with you?" in the film Goodfellas.

The video seems more than a bit excessive, and it's making me question my sanity that I would spend my entire day doing this. Oh well, either I'm a budding genius, or, in the words of my analyst, "the merry-go-round broke down".

Either way, you probably shouldn't play this too loud at work as there is a bit of profanity involved.

Enjoy. Click on the image to view it.

Yeah, Jimi!

Since it's the Humpday of "Annoy Your Cubicle Neighbor Week," I decided to help you guys out a bit. This is another rotoscope that I did. It's a clip of Jimi Hendrix at the Monterey Pop festival. I put this Banana Splits-type background behind him, slowed him down and looped him for maximum annoyance potential. All you have to do is, after downloading this, play it back on Quicktime with the "loop" function turned on. This way, it will play FOREVER! I guarantee it will drive everyone around you totally insane. Just make sure your cubicle is bulletproof.

Have fun!

Click on the image to view it.

Mr. Mike's Least-Loved Bedtime Tales: "The Little Train That Died"

For those of you who had trouble sleeping without the latest Least-Loved Bedtime Tale, here's another one. It's my personal favorite: The Little Train That Died. It features a very young Jodie Foster essentially as the straight man. It seems it would no longer do to have Mr. Mike tell his tale directly to the audience; he now had to have an avid listener visibly present. The visual element would gradually increase as time went on.

I should point out that all of the Least-Loved Bedtime Tales posted here are available on the DVD of Saturday Night Live - The Complete Second Season.

"The Little Train That Died" originally aired on November 27, 1976.

Mr. Mike's Least-Loved Bedtime Tales: "The Blind Chicken"

Here's the second installment of Mr. Mike's Least-Loved Bedtime Tales, "The Blind Chicken." Story aside, this one has a particularly creepy aura to it, mostly due to the lighting which gives Mr. Mike's eyes an almost three-dimensional effect. Creepier still is the audience's decidedly hesitant response to this one, as though they're reluctant to condone this sort of thing, lest it encourage Mr. Mike to create more Least-Loved Bedtime Tales. In spite of the audience's reaction, there would be many more tales to come.

Enjoy. Click on the image to watch the video.

Mr. Mike's Least-Loved Bedtime Tales: "The Enchanted Thermos"

Michael O'Donoghue, for those of you not familiar with this site, is a personal hero of mine: first as a writer for the National Lampoon (1970-1973), and then as a writer and performer on the first three seasons of Saturday Night Live.

During SNL's second and third seasons, O'Donoghue was featured in "Mr. Mike's Least-Loved Bedtime Tales," in which, as his evil alter-ego, Mr. Mike (though he uses his full name for the first installment), he goes a few steps beyond the Brothers Grimm, to say the least. These bedtime tales have no moral (and, some would argue, no point), but I think they're all timeless classics.

"The Enchanted Thermos" was the very first in the series. Hope you enjoy it.

Click on the image to view it.

StSander's Masterpiece?

Now that StSander's "Shreds" series can no longer be found on YouTube, I thought it imperative to upload what I feel is his masterpiece, Yngwie Malmsteen Shreds.

Here, StSanders takes it to the next level, overdubbing not only Yngwie's performance, but also that of the New Japan Philharmonic (along with some of the best muttered asides since Grendel). You're sure to recognize many of the familiar musical themes as well.

What more can I say? Enjoy the hell out of this, kids!

Click on the image to view it.

- Humorless Metalheads Shut Down Popular YouTuber [Wired]

Tribute to Get Crazy, Pt. 2: A Drummer Named Toad

In this scene from Get Crazy, John Densmore, playing a drummer named Toad, performs a rather wild drum solo.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute. John Densmore? As in The Doors' John Densmore? But Gene, I thought you hated the Doors! Is this the end of all that mankind holds dear??"

OK, cool your jets there, Chauncey. Yes, he did play drums for that....group. But I believe in giving credit where credit is due. This is a hilarious performance, possibly the funniest drum solo ever.

So sit back (not too far back; it's only 40 seconds long) and enjoy this clip.

Click on the image to view it.

Tribute to Get Crazy, Pt. 1:"A Deathbed Request"

In 1983, an extremely significant musical comedy was released entitled Get Crazy. It remains significant not for it's acting or writing, but for its cast: predominantly rock stars and actors portraying rock stars. Among them is Lou Reed, the members of Fear, Malcolm McDowell playing a Mick Jagger-type singer, as well as cameos from Fabian, Bobby Freeman, Howard Kaylan and others.

The story concerns the owner of the Saturn Theater, one Max Wolfe. Max has a heart attack while organizing the Saturn's New Year's Eve celebration and, fearing this year may be his last, decides to make this celebration a major blowout. To this end, he contacts a faded rock star known only as Auden to appear at the Saturn. Auden hasn't left his apartment for 6 years (his apartment being an exact replica of the cover of Bob Dylan's Bringing It All Back Home).

In this first installment, all of the Lou Reed scenes have been spliced together apart from the closing number (I'll get to that later).

Click on the image to view it. Enjoy.

This May Be The Funniest Thing Ever

There's a guy on YouTube who goes by the name of StSanders. He has created a number of hilarious videos featuring numerous guitar heroes with his own sound overdubbed. My friend, David Stiles, turned me on to these; it's his fault. I'll say no more, other than StSanders (or whoever he really is) is possibly the greatest comedic genius of the past 20 years. Or maybe I'm just easily amused. But, c'mon, can't it be both?

This particular video features Jake E. Lee and Ozzy Osbourne, but he has dozens more, and I would highly recommend checking those out as well.

Click on the image to view it.

[UPDATE: Apparently, StSanders has been banned from YouTube, so this is the only video of his available at this point. Hopefully, this will be resolved soon. I stand by my earlier assessment of his comic genius. YouTube needs to get a sense of humor.]

Distant Memories of Cop Rock

For reasons too complicated to explain, I was asked to find old clips of the notorious 1990 Steven Bochco flop, Cop Rock. Although the show itself still doesn't quite hold up after all these years, some of the songs, strangely enough, do.

Though I can't fully set this one up, having never seen this episode, it goes something like this:

A young couple, apparently having trouble conceiving a baby of their own, and having exhausted all legitimate forms of adoption, stumble across a man who calls himself the "Baby Merchant." And - wouldn't you know it? - he has own song. And it's a damn catchy one to boot.

Is the story ridiculous? Yes. But if after hearing this song a few times, you won't admit to singing it to yourself at least once or twice, then I have no choice but to call you a liar.

That's right, I'm throwing down the musical gauntlet on this one.

Click on the image to watch the clip.

The Late Night Wars Resume

Here's a brief recap.

Jay Leno:

First of all, Jay explains away his choice to come back to the airwaves by crassly stating that, because WGA talks had broken down, "19 people were putting 160 people out of work." Jay also took a backhanded stab at Letterman by saying "Dave had his own company [Worldwide Pants, Inc.] and was able to negotiate a deal for his writers, and God bless him," suggesting that the Tonight Show doesn't have that kind of leverage [I guess Big Dog, Inc. is merely an imprint. I always thought it was Jay's company, didn't you?]. Mike Huckabee was his first guest. Perhaps it wasn't the wisest choice of program for someone so desperate to be perceived as pro-working man on which to appear. Mike foolishly crossed the picket line anyway, showing off his bass playing skills (which aren't half bad, but he has next to no sense of rhythm) and the amount of weight he's lost since his previous appearance on Leno. 110 pounds! I mean, I gotta admit, that's pretty impressive. Jay's second guest was Emeril Lagasse, who would basically do anything to save his career at this point, so crossing a picket line hardly seemed to matter, I'm sure.


Conan O'Brien:

Conan came out in far more genuine support of the writers strike, not only by sporting a full beard, but by saying upfront that what the writers are asking for is fair and they should get it. Somehow, this came off as a far more sincere gesture than Jay's. Conan continued by showing a hilarious video of what he and the production staff have been doing since the strike began. Conan's first guest, Bob Saget, pretty much bombed. Dwayne Perkins was both clever and funny, though the audience weren't too kind. Robert Gordon and Chris Spedding were the musical guests. They performed a song from their recent album of Elvis covers, It's Now Or Never. I love Robert Gordon, but I'd not seen him for a while. With his hair slicked back, he kinda looks likes a lot like Emeril Lagasse, ironically enough. They sounded great, nonetheless.


David Letterman:

After an pre-recorded introduction by Hillary Clinton, Dave came out with an even more shocking beard than Conan's. It made him look a little like Buddy Ebsen. He took the stage with a group of would-be Rockettes with "WGA On Strike" signs. Ten still-striking writers delivered the Top Ten list. Robin Williams, predictably, was insufferable. I mean I'm one to talk, but if this guy could finish ONE SENTENCE in the same dialect, I'd be satisfied. Next Dave interviewed his Associate Producer, Nancy Agostini. Overall, a strong show that gave more than its share of shout-outs to the striking writers.

I didn't Jimmy Kimmel or Craig Ferguson. Sorry.

Of the three I saw, I'd give the nod to Conan for doing the best show overall, especially given the fact that he had no writers. Naturally, Leno beat Letterman in the ratings. I have no idea why people keep watching The Tonight Show, other than a total lack of taste.