Michael O'Donoghue Quote Of The Day: #4

The holidays are truly over. It's time again to visit the wonderful world of Mr. Mike. The following is an excerpt from an O'Donoghue columns he used to publish for Spin magazine in the early 90's called "Not My Fault." This one concerns Liza Minelli:

Liza With An "F"
Let's talk about Liza Minnelli for a moment. I wouldn't fuck her with Hitler's dick. Hey, just kidding, Liza! I think you're "one dynamite lady," and I was just pulling your leg the way "put-down artist" Don Rickles used to "zing" you Vegas superstars with a lot of "That's one for the Jew" while pretending to keep score and "Look at Frank--is he laughing?" and then after the show they would all hug and kiss and shout "How's your bird?" and down a few more 7&7s and talk about how their wives play golf together and slap the bellboy and eat bacon and eggs off some hooker's triple-D tits. What a gas! Flippy, baby! Very flippy, indeed! Which reminds me of a joke. What's this?--OCEAN'S 10, OCEAN'S 9, OCEAN'S 8, OCEAN'S 7, OCEAN'S 6,... Answer--the Rat Pack dying! Clutching their chests, their hearts exploding, crashing to the floor, dentures splintering on the parquet, vein-splitting shrieks, blood pours out every hole, the entourage pressing close to catch the last words: "Oh God oh shit wait a minute don't uh-oh fuck." Later, the paramedic pockets the Rolex. Look at Frank--is he laughing?
....

Who's left? Liza. Freaky, mawkish Liza with those waif-found-stuffed-in-a-drainpipe looks and that paperback version of Judy's voice. Liza, not so much a human being as a walking collection of show business tics. Liza, whose career is based on the belief that you can't overuse the words "special" and "magic." Liza with an "F."

Obviously, on a sane planet, she would be kept in a cage and people would pay a small amount--no more than a quarter--to poke her with a stick. Yet here on Earth, she's a big star. Why, you ask, and rightly so? I'll tell you why. Because her mother, who always looked like she was two seconds from jumping off a high ledge, knew an incredible secret--a secret so dark and twisted that it has never been spoken aloud--a secret any Rosicrucian would give his left nut to possess--forbidden knowledge older than the pyramids unveiled here for the first time--a secret guarded by the rich and powerful for centuries yet I reveal it to you for the price of a rock'n'roll magazine--a dreadful secret that Judy, lying on her death bed, with seconds to live, leaned over and whispered into her daughter's ear:

"The person in the most pain wins."

Go here for the full version of "Liza With An "F", plus the remaining entries of "Not My Fault." [Many thanks to The Big Dave Page for housing these gems.]