Aliens Reportedly Do Not Believe In Tom Cruise

Well, Tom's proven again that, as a publicist, he's his own worst enemy. When asked by a reporter if he believed in alien life forms, Cruise answered, "Yes, of course. Are you really so arrogant as to believe we are alone in this universe?" Now, it's not so much the belief in aliens that bothers me, but the authoritative tone of voice with which he states his beliefs. He is another of those soon-to-be Hollywood casualties who has forgotten that he is an actor, not an expert on anything concrete or worthwhile (see Val Kilmer to get a glimpse of Cruise's future career). I realize that none of these headlines (including this one, sadly) will harm the opening of War Of The Worlds, but in the long run, I believe that fans will eventually be turned off by Cruise's all-too-vocal arrogance.

But I think we can all agree that Tom's more likely to sleep with an alien than with Katie Holmes.

- Tom Cruise says he believes in aliens

Something Else to Worry About: Scientists Create Zombie Dogs

During experiments with reanimation at Pittsburgh's Safar Centre for Resuscitation Research a technique has been developed in which subject's veins are drained of blood and filled with an ice-cold salt solution (kinda like what they do regularly to Keith Richards [only kidding]). The animal stops breathing and is clinically dead, then the blood is replaced three hours later, and the dogs are brought back to life with an electric shock. It's that simple. "The results are stunning. I think in 10 years we will be able to prevent death in a certain segment of those using this technology," said one US doctor. Reportedly, tests will be performed on humans as soon next year.

Science has become truly frightening in recent years. We spend billions of dollars on ways to preserve life, but almost nothing on improving the quality of that life, especially in countries where its inhabitants are starving or dying of communicable diseases.

But mostly, I just hate zombie dogs. I've seen Pet Sematary, I know what goes on. No matter how sweet the owners claim the zombie dogs are, they always try to kill me and/or to devour my soul. Well, I've had more than enough of it, thank you. And now they want zombie humans roaming the earth? It's just another sign of the apocalypse.

- Boffins create zombie dogs [news.com.au]

T. Rex Does Simple Minds!

Dan Nester and I are taking part in Boog City Perfect Album: Live Aid 20th Anniversary on June 13th at Bowery Poetry Club. Originally, we thought "Great! We'll rock out on the old Queen numbers, leave them starved for more, as per usual." Unfortunately, the organizer of this event had other ideas: he told us that we were to do one song from each artist in order, sort of. Long story short, the songs wound up being the following:

• U2 - Bad
• Queen - Hammer To Fall
• Simple Minds - (Don't You) Forget About Me

During our first rehearsal, we had no idea how to make the Simple Minds song the least bit interesting, so we simultaneuously hit upon the idea to perform it as a lost T. Rex classic. It worked beautifully, so I demoed it before I forgot the "arrangement." Here it is:

Click Here to Download The Song

Ideal Clothing: The Greatest Jingle Ever?

There is a retail clothing outlet called the Ideal Manufacturing Company. Located on Route 3 in Hammonton, New Jersey, it was founded in 1936 and has been a Delaware Valley staple ever since. Growing up in Philadelphia, their jingle (recorded sometime in the early to late 50's, assumedly) was played ad nauseam on every UHF station well into the early 90's. Not that I minded; it may very well be the greatest jingle in the history of television advertising. Not only does it have that Nelson Riddle-meets-the-MikeCurb Congregation-goodness going for it, but it has this intangible likeability that makes it never seem out of place even fifty years later.

If you've got a passion for fashion
And you've got a craving for saving
Take the wheel of your automobile
And swing on down to--Ideal
(It's not a fancy salon. It's nothing but a Quonset Hut)
But--(repeat)

Enjoy. You'll be singing it to yourself by the end of the day, and for the rest of your life.

Click here to download the jingle
Click here to visit the Ideal jingle shrine
And here to visit Ideal Clothing Company

Tom Cruise Has No Sense Of Humour

Tom Cruise again showcased his amazing lack of humor while in London promoting his latest engagement to Katie Holmes. A man posing as a reporter squirted Cruise with a water pistol disguised as a microphone. Cruise appeared to laugh but then asked the prankster: "Why would you do that?" As the man gave a barely audible excuse, Cruise said: "Do you like thinking less of people, is that it?" The prankster tried to walk away but Cruise reached across the metal barrier, held his arm and said: "Don't run away. That's incredibly rude. I'm here giving you an interview and you do that ... it's incredibly rude. You're a jerk."

Police detained the man who squirted Cruise and also arrested three other men who filmed the incident. They were sentenced to the guillotine, despite the abolishment of the death penalty in Britain, when it was discovered that they also planned to shake Cruise's hand using a joy buzzer. The executioner was movedd to give a speech:

"Let this stand as an example too all those who sneer at Tom Cruise, at Scientology, or at War Of The Wolrds, opening June 29th."

The crowd stood silently.

Kate's Six Feet Under Fifth Season Predictions

I love Six Feet Under, but I can't help thinking that the story lines in the final season are heading for obvious conclusions.

In this season, we will see:

• The simultaneous births of Nate and Brenda's child and Keith and David's whatever in the last episode.
• Long-suffering Ruth divorce George and discover that the joys of grandmotherhood fulfill her life.
• Claire leave Billy (after barely escaping with her life after an insane outburst) and leave Los Angeles to find herself.
• David--rather than Nate--give up the funeral business, for the sheer irony of role-reversal of the brothers.
• Rico and Vanessa will get back together after a few more instances of being supportive of each other's separate dating lives.
• The dead father make a final appearance, but will not resurface ever again because his wife and children have resolved all their issues in the difficult years after his death.

But I can't decide if a main character will die. Main-character deaths are oh-so-overdone but is probably expected from a series about death. So from that perspective, all the Fischers should survive. Or should they?

Wacko Jacko Cut Some Serious Slacko

Now that it's all over, the most disturbing thing to ponder about the Michael Jackson trial concerns his nose, or lack thereof. It's been widely reported that Jackson, due to extensive plastic surgery, no longer has any cartilage left in his nasal area. Now, I know several people who no longer have a septum, but this still comes as a shock to me. Allegedly, Jackson has been donning a falsie for the last few years, a prosthetic device that he usually wears in combination with glasses, like a schnoz. But here's the question: had Jackson been given jail time, would he have been given permission to wear the prosthetic device, his de facto nose, by his new guardians? Most likely not, unless it could be proven that the prosthetic is necessary to sustain life. You can argue that an inmate cannot walk around prison with absolutely no nose, mostly due to risk of infection, but I guess now we'll never know. Another mystery unsolved.

Tom Cruise Uses The Word "Dig" In Entertainment Weekly

Proving just how tragically out of touch with reality he is, Scientology-shilling bastard Tom Cruise told EW that his clueless beard Katie Holmes "digs" Scientology.

"Yes, absolutely. She digs it," the 42-year-old actor tells the magazine.

Now, let me ask you this: how long will it be before this man is leaving hitchhikers in shallow graves? The man has lost it. He should be locked up. He doesn't realize how much he is scaring America. I'll tell you this, if he did to my couch what he did to Oprah's, I would kick his L. Ron Hubbard-loving ass all over the back lot of Harpo Productions. I mean, we all have our quirks, but what the hell kind of way is that to behave? Honestly, my prediction is that Cruise destroys both his career and Scientology in one fell swoop. I give him two years. Dig?

- Cruise Says Holmes 'Digs' Scientology

VH1 Guilty Of Gary Coleman Bashing

As if Gary Coleman didn't haven't enough trouble being cast in modern motion pictures, VH1 goes ahead and names him "Greatest Kid Star," virtually cementing his non-castibility in the eyes of Hollywood. Okay, you could argue that the Olsen Twins are also on the list, and they are quite the hot property right now (at least in the tabloids), but I wonder if this is intentional cruelty on VH1's part. I mean, did Coleman run VH1's dog over with his van or something? What did he do to deserve such humiliation?

- VH1 Names Gary Coleman the Greatest Kid Star

W. Mark Felt Admits To Being Charles Nelson Reilly

"It's true..I am the one they called Charles Nelson Reilly," exclaimed former FBI deputy director W. Mark Felt to reporters. “It’s the last time I ever watch Match Game '77", said former Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee. "I'll never again be able to enjoy the witty repartee that defined the show without being totally disillusioned."

Gene Rayburn, the former host of Match Game, said "It was typical of how much the FBI was blatantly infiltrating American game shows of the period. The head of the CIA passed himself off as Alex Trebek for at least two seasons of High Rollers. It's a dirty business."