The Late Night Wars Resume

Here's a brief recap.

Jay Leno:

First of all, Jay explains away his choice to come back to the airwaves by crassly stating that, because WGA talks had broken down, "19 people were putting 160 people out of work." Jay also took a backhanded stab at Letterman by saying "Dave had his own company [Worldwide Pants, Inc.] and was able to negotiate a deal for his writers, and God bless him," suggesting that the Tonight Show doesn't have that kind of leverage [I guess Big Dog, Inc. is merely an imprint. I always thought it was Jay's company, didn't you?]. Mike Huckabee was his first guest. Perhaps it wasn't the wisest choice of program for someone so desperate to be perceived as pro-working man on which to appear. Mike foolishly crossed the picket line anyway, showing off his bass playing skills (which aren't half bad, but he has next to no sense of rhythm) and the amount of weight he's lost since his previous appearance on Leno. 110 pounds! I mean, I gotta admit, that's pretty impressive. Jay's second guest was Emeril Lagasse, who would basically do anything to save his career at this point, so crossing a picket line hardly seemed to matter, I'm sure.


Conan O'Brien:

Conan came out in far more genuine support of the writers strike, not only by sporting a full beard, but by saying upfront that what the writers are asking for is fair and they should get it. Somehow, this came off as a far more sincere gesture than Jay's. Conan continued by showing a hilarious video of what he and the production staff have been doing since the strike began. Conan's first guest, Bob Saget, pretty much bombed. Dwayne Perkins was both clever and funny, though the audience weren't too kind. Robert Gordon and Chris Spedding were the musical guests. They performed a song from their recent album of Elvis covers, It's Now Or Never. I love Robert Gordon, but I'd not seen him for a while. With his hair slicked back, he kinda looks likes a lot like Emeril Lagasse, ironically enough. They sounded great, nonetheless.


David Letterman:

After an pre-recorded introduction by Hillary Clinton, Dave came out with an even more shocking beard than Conan's. It made him look a little like Buddy Ebsen. He took the stage with a group of would-be Rockettes with "WGA On Strike" signs. Ten still-striking writers delivered the Top Ten list. Robin Williams, predictably, was insufferable. I mean I'm one to talk, but if this guy could finish ONE SENTENCE in the same dialect, I'd be satisfied. Next Dave interviewed his Associate Producer, Nancy Agostini. Overall, a strong show that gave more than its share of shout-outs to the striking writers.

I didn't Jimmy Kimmel or Craig Ferguson. Sorry.

Of the three I saw, I'd give the nod to Conan for doing the best show overall, especially given the fact that he had no writers. Naturally, Leno beat Letterman in the ratings. I have no idea why people keep watching The Tonight Show, other than a total lack of taste.

Long Time No See, Slob Snob

Hello, kids! I'm back. Sorta.

Well, I actually don't have much to say, but I figured I should post a little something. So, here is my first attempt at what is called "rotoscoping." Ask your grandparents about it, it's fun!. Anyway, it utilizes a short scene from possibly my favorite ever television series, Naked City. It features everybody's favorite crossword puzzle solution: Alan Alda, circa 1961. It's very short.

Enjoy. And I promise to post more in the future. Really.

Calling Judith Regan

'I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it?' said O.J. Simpson in an interview with the L.A. Times.

The rest kinda writes itself. This one actually would make a pretty good book.

O.J. on Las Vegas hotel incident: 'I've done nothing wrong' [LA Times]

O.J. Simpson arrested in Vegas robbery [AP]

Nightmare Loops From High Society: Vol. 2

Well, as promised, here's the second one. This loop features Louis Armstrong, and it takes place at the very end of the film High Society. End of story.

Nightmare Loops From High Society: Vol. 1

This is a loop that I did purely for my own amusement and that of a few dear old friends. Years ago, they performed edits using this thing called videotape. Occasionally, while trying to find an edit point, the video and audio on the videotape would manually roll backwards and forwards, inadvertently creating hours of non-stop laughter for a small group of people whacked out of their skulls in the wee small hours. This is my attempt to recreate the aforementioned old timey non-effect for no good reason other than it makes me chuckle.

With this in mind, please enjoy this loop of Bing Crosby from the film High Society.

Britney Spears: If I Can Dream

Starting her performance with Elvis Presley's "Trouble" (a deliberate homage to Presley's 1968 Comeback Special), Britney Spears practically slept her way through her performance of "Gimme More." She couldn't even be bothered to lip-synch during most of the performance.
The performance was too boring to even be called a train wreck. It had the appearance of a bad dress rehearsal. A really bad dress rehearsal.

This was immediately followed by an impossibly bad monologue by Sarah Silverman. She mostly made jokes at Britney's expense, which, had things gone better for Britney, would have been merely unfunny (as Silverman usually is). As it stood, the monologue came off as unbearably cruel. The audience hardly chuckled once. It was truly chilling to watch.

Here's what Britney should have done: knowing that she wasn't in the greatest shape for the performance (she is currently in the "more to love" category), she should have gone completely in the other direction. She should have given the public the train wreck to end all train wrecks.

Here's the performance I wanted to see:

First, instead of forgetting merely most of the words, how about forgetting all of them? Just stand there with a cigarette dangling, mouth agape, glassy-eyed and give the camera a blank stare. Don't lip-synch a single word. C'mon, you've already got the glassy-eyed thing down pat!

Second, she should have driven a car onto the stage with her kids on her lap and no seat belt. One of the kids could have pretended to fall out of the car and onto the stage before being ushered off by concerned-looking security men. I mean, their asses are at stake here, too. If they want to collect that Britney money, they gotta work for it. Am I right?

Third, at least one of the dancers hoisting her up should have dropped her at least once, feigning a pulled back muscle. Then another dancer clearly mouth the words "I told you to lift with your legs!" as they carry him off in a stretcher.

Lastly, for no reason at all, someone lets loose a swarm of killer bees onto the stage, sending the dancers running for cover as the bees repeatedly attack Britney as she tries to escape (Did I mention that she is wearing a clearly visible medical tag stating that she is deathly allergic to bees? I didn't think so. Don't worry; Britney's insured). As they carry Britney's limp body from the stage, not a word is spoken. The crowd is stunned into silence. Even the hornets are still out of respect. A humble stagehand, having no other choice, grabs the microphone and says "If there was ever anyone truly loved the business of show, it was this woman. Let this be a lesson to ye all: count no man or woman fortunate until the final hour. For what sayeth you to the notion that all the world is a sta...-" --at which point a light fixture falls from the ceiling, killing him instantly as the show cuts to Kanye West.

Well, that's how I would have done it, anyway.....

Larry Craig and The Dawn Of The Pink Scare

In the 1950's the United States was gripped by fear. Not necessarily a fear of communism, but of communist accusations. We called this phenomenon "the Red Scare." Nowadays, the GOP is gripped by "the Pink Scare": a monster of the party's own making. Idaho Senator Larry Craig's sexual preference matters not in this case. What matters is how quickly and downright fiendishly his alleged cohorts dropped him like a hot potato. Two years ago, when Republican dinosaurs ruled D.C., this incident would hardly have been a blip on the radar. Now, with the (eventually) upcoming presidential election, Iraq War backpedaling and a truly desperate attempt by the GOP to return to "moral values," Craig's career is instantly dead in the water. This is more due to the past sins of his Republican predecessors, most notably Florida Congressman Mark Foley, whose actions. say some, cost the GOP the 2006 midterm elections.

This recent turn of events which has waylaid the careers of many would-be moral beacons such as Rev. Ted Haggard, leaves the Republican party in a genuine crisis: should they begin to preach a message of greater acceptance to their gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, or continue to preach a moral, but unacceptably hypocritical, message of intolerance towards gays, which would inevitably lead to more disgraceful outings in other public lavatories. At least this seems to be the burgeoning pattern.

If Larry Craig is indeed the victim of a "witch hunt," as he claims, can the public truly feel sorry for a man who has burned so many with his intolerance? What he calls a witch hunt, most would call poetic justice. And it seems as though it's just beginning. As the election grows nearer, more will be sacrificed for the GOP's greater good.

GOP senators say Craig should resign [AP]