Britney Spears: If I Can Dream

Starting her performance with Elvis Presley's "Trouble" (a deliberate homage to Presley's 1968 Comeback Special), Britney Spears practically slept her way through her performance of "Gimme More." She couldn't even be bothered to lip-synch during most of the performance.
The performance was too boring to even be called a train wreck. It had the appearance of a bad dress rehearsal. A really bad dress rehearsal.

This was immediately followed by an impossibly bad monologue by Sarah Silverman. She mostly made jokes at Britney's expense, which, had things gone better for Britney, would have been merely unfunny (as Silverman usually is). As it stood, the monologue came off as unbearably cruel. The audience hardly chuckled once. It was truly chilling to watch.

Here's what Britney should have done: knowing that she wasn't in the greatest shape for the performance (she is currently in the "more to love" category), she should have gone completely in the other direction. She should have given the public the train wreck to end all train wrecks.

Here's the performance I wanted to see:

First, instead of forgetting merely most of the words, how about forgetting all of them? Just stand there with a cigarette dangling, mouth agape, glassy-eyed and give the camera a blank stare. Don't lip-synch a single word. C'mon, you've already got the glassy-eyed thing down pat!

Second, she should have driven a car onto the stage with her kids on her lap and no seat belt. One of the kids could have pretended to fall out of the car and onto the stage before being ushered off by concerned-looking security men. I mean, their asses are at stake here, too. If they want to collect that Britney money, they gotta work for it. Am I right?

Third, at least one of the dancers hoisting her up should have dropped her at least once, feigning a pulled back muscle. Then another dancer clearly mouth the words "I told you to lift with your legs!" as they carry him off in a stretcher.

Lastly, for no reason at all, someone lets loose a swarm of killer bees onto the stage, sending the dancers running for cover as the bees repeatedly attack Britney as she tries to escape (Did I mention that she is wearing a clearly visible medical tag stating that she is deathly allergic to bees? I didn't think so. Don't worry; Britney's insured). As they carry Britney's limp body from the stage, not a word is spoken. The crowd is stunned into silence. Even the hornets are still out of respect. A humble stagehand, having no other choice, grabs the microphone and says "If there was ever anyone truly loved the business of show, it was this woman. Let this be a lesson to ye all: count no man or woman fortunate until the final hour. For what sayeth you to the notion that all the world is a sta...-" --at which point a light fixture falls from the ceiling, killing him instantly as the show cuts to Kanye West.

Well, that's how I would have done it, anyway.....