Wacko Jacko Cut Some Serious Slacko

Now that it's all over, the most disturbing thing to ponder about the Michael Jackson trial concerns his nose, or lack thereof. It's been widely reported that Jackson, due to extensive plastic surgery, no longer has any cartilage left in his nasal area. Now, I know several people who no longer have a septum, but this still comes as a shock to me. Allegedly, Jackson has been donning a falsie for the last few years, a prosthetic device that he usually wears in combination with glasses, like a schnoz. But here's the question: had Jackson been given jail time, would he have been given permission to wear the prosthetic device, his de facto nose, by his new guardians? Most likely not, unless it could be proven that the prosthetic is necessary to sustain life. You can argue that an inmate cannot walk around prison with absolutely no nose, mostly due to risk of infection, but I guess now we'll never know. Another mystery unsolved.

Tom Cruise Uses The Word "Dig" In Entertainment Weekly

Proving just how tragically out of touch with reality he is, Scientology-shilling bastard Tom Cruise told EW that his clueless beard Katie Holmes "digs" Scientology.

"Yes, absolutely. She digs it," the 42-year-old actor tells the magazine.

Now, let me ask you this: how long will it be before this man is leaving hitchhikers in shallow graves? The man has lost it. He should be locked up. He doesn't realize how much he is scaring America. I'll tell you this, if he did to my couch what he did to Oprah's, I would kick his L. Ron Hubbard-loving ass all over the back lot of Harpo Productions. I mean, we all have our quirks, but what the hell kind of way is that to behave? Honestly, my prediction is that Cruise destroys both his career and Scientology in one fell swoop. I give him two years. Dig?

- Cruise Says Holmes 'Digs' Scientology

VH1 Guilty Of Gary Coleman Bashing

As if Gary Coleman didn't haven't enough trouble being cast in modern motion pictures, VH1 goes ahead and names him "Greatest Kid Star," virtually cementing his non-castibility in the eyes of Hollywood. Okay, you could argue that the Olsen Twins are also on the list, and they are quite the hot property right now (at least in the tabloids), but I wonder if this is intentional cruelty on VH1's part. I mean, did Coleman run VH1's dog over with his van or something? What did he do to deserve such humiliation?

- VH1 Names Gary Coleman the Greatest Kid Star

W. Mark Felt Admits To Being Charles Nelson Reilly

"It's true..I am the one they called Charles Nelson Reilly," exclaimed former FBI deputy director W. Mark Felt to reporters. “It’s the last time I ever watch Match Game '77", said former Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee. "I'll never again be able to enjoy the witty repartee that defined the show without being totally disillusioned."

Gene Rayburn, the former host of Match Game, said "It was typical of how much the FBI was blatantly infiltrating American game shows of the period. The head of the CIA passed himself off as Alex Trebek for at least two seasons of High Rollers. It's a dirty business."

Tom DeLay Has Seconds To Live

Let's face it: when Law & Order fearlessly gets on your case, your as good as toast. I have a $50 bet going with a friend of mine that says DeLay goes nowhere. This country has no accountability and, therefore, DeLay will not be fired nor will he be asked to step down. But now, the ruling against Bill Ceverha, the airfare scandal picking up steam, etc., I'm starting to feel like I may be out 50 bucks after all. The Law & Order episode in question deals with suspects who are right-wing extremists. In the episode, police are frustrated by a lack of clues, leading one officer to quip, "Maybe we should put out an APB (all-points-bulletin) for somebody in a Tom DeLay T-shirt."

Yeah, I can pretty much kiss the 50 bucks goodbye. Right?

- NBC clashes with Tom DeLay on Law & Order

Burt Reynolds Shoots And Kills Producer Who Hadn't Seen Stroker Ace

In a truly shocking turn of events, Burt Reynolds was arrested yesterday following the homicidal shooting of a television producer attempting to interview Reynolds for CBS News PATH, which provides video footage to affiliate stations. Though Reynold's spokesperson states that Burt was "just being playful," those who witnessed the crime think he might have taken the "joke" too far.

The producer was asking Reynolds about his new movie "The Longest Yard" outside the premiere Tuesday night when the actor appeared to become annoyed. "You don't know anything about the movie?" Reynolds, 69, asked the producer for CBS News PATH, which provides video footage to affiliate stations. The producer acknowledged he hadn't seen it or the original 1974 version — and then Reynolds repeatedly shot him, shouting "You stupid m*****f*****, do you know who you're talking to? I'll rip your ******** and make it a new ******** and your mother's ******** ..."

Jeff Lane, a spokesman for Reynolds, said in a statement that Reynolds "playfully shot (the producer) in the neck, as if to say, 'Well, that's not very nice.' He was kidding." He also claims that Reynolds regularly plays the same joke on Dom DeLuise.

- Burt Reynolds Slaps Television Producer

How To Talk Like A Philadelphian

Hi, people. Sorry I haven't written anything in a few days, but I'm in the process of moving.

Anyway, here's a golden oldie for you. This is sort of in poor taste, as it's a Mothers Against Drunk Driving ad, but the man in the commercial epitomizes the Philadelphia accent, and his acting is so poor, I couldn't resist.

Apologies in advance for the poor quality of the source tape.

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