Long Time No See, Slob Snob

Hello, kids! I'm back. Sorta.

Well, I actually don't have much to say, but I figured I should post a little something. So, here is my first attempt at what is called "rotoscoping." Ask your grandparents about it, it's fun!. Anyway, it utilizes a short scene from possibly my favorite ever television series, Naked City. It features everybody's favorite crossword puzzle solution: Alan Alda, circa 1961. It's very short.

Enjoy. And I promise to post more in the future. Really.

Calling Judith Regan

'I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it?' said O.J. Simpson in an interview with the L.A. Times.

The rest kinda writes itself. This one actually would make a pretty good book.

O.J. on Las Vegas hotel incident: 'I've done nothing wrong' [LA Times]

O.J. Simpson arrested in Vegas robbery [AP]

Nightmare Loops From High Society: Vol. 2

Well, as promised, here's the second one. This loop features Louis Armstrong, and it takes place at the very end of the film High Society. End of story.

Nightmare Loops From High Society: Vol. 1

This is a loop that I did purely for my own amusement and that of a few dear old friends. Years ago, they performed edits using this thing called videotape. Occasionally, while trying to find an edit point, the video and audio on the videotape would manually roll backwards and forwards, inadvertently creating hours of non-stop laughter for a small group of people whacked out of their skulls in the wee small hours. This is my attempt to recreate the aforementioned old timey non-effect for no good reason other than it makes me chuckle.

With this in mind, please enjoy this loop of Bing Crosby from the film High Society.

Britney Spears: If I Can Dream

Starting her performance with Elvis Presley's "Trouble" (a deliberate homage to Presley's 1968 Comeback Special), Britney Spears practically slept her way through her performance of "Gimme More." She couldn't even be bothered to lip-synch during most of the performance.
The performance was too boring to even be called a train wreck. It had the appearance of a bad dress rehearsal. A really bad dress rehearsal.

This was immediately followed by an impossibly bad monologue by Sarah Silverman. She mostly made jokes at Britney's expense, which, had things gone better for Britney, would have been merely unfunny (as Silverman usually is). As it stood, the monologue came off as unbearably cruel. The audience hardly chuckled once. It was truly chilling to watch.

Here's what Britney should have done: knowing that she wasn't in the greatest shape for the performance (she is currently in the "more to love" category), she should have gone completely in the other direction. She should have given the public the train wreck to end all train wrecks.

Here's the performance I wanted to see:

First, instead of forgetting merely most of the words, how about forgetting all of them? Just stand there with a cigarette dangling, mouth agape, glassy-eyed and give the camera a blank stare. Don't lip-synch a single word. C'mon, you've already got the glassy-eyed thing down pat!

Second, she should have driven a car onto the stage with her kids on her lap and no seat belt. One of the kids could have pretended to fall out of the car and onto the stage before being ushered off by concerned-looking security men. I mean, their asses are at stake here, too. If they want to collect that Britney money, they gotta work for it. Am I right?

Third, at least one of the dancers hoisting her up should have dropped her at least once, feigning a pulled back muscle. Then another dancer clearly mouth the words "I told you to lift with your legs!" as they carry him off in a stretcher.

Lastly, for no reason at all, someone lets loose a swarm of killer bees onto the stage, sending the dancers running for cover as the bees repeatedly attack Britney as she tries to escape (Did I mention that she is wearing a clearly visible medical tag stating that she is deathly allergic to bees? I didn't think so. Don't worry; Britney's insured). As they carry Britney's limp body from the stage, not a word is spoken. The crowd is stunned into silence. Even the hornets are still out of respect. A humble stagehand, having no other choice, grabs the microphone and says "If there was ever anyone truly loved the business of show, it was this woman. Let this be a lesson to ye all: count no man or woman fortunate until the final hour. For what sayeth you to the notion that all the world is a sta...-" --at which point a light fixture falls from the ceiling, killing him instantly as the show cuts to Kanye West.

Well, that's how I would have done it, anyway.....

Larry Craig and The Dawn Of The Pink Scare

In the 1950's the United States was gripped by fear. Not necessarily a fear of communism, but of communist accusations. We called this phenomenon "the Red Scare." Nowadays, the GOP is gripped by "the Pink Scare": a monster of the party's own making. Idaho Senator Larry Craig's sexual preference matters not in this case. What matters is how quickly and downright fiendishly his alleged cohorts dropped him like a hot potato. Two years ago, when Republican dinosaurs ruled D.C., this incident would hardly have been a blip on the radar. Now, with the (eventually) upcoming presidential election, Iraq War backpedaling and a truly desperate attempt by the GOP to return to "moral values," Craig's career is instantly dead in the water. This is more due to the past sins of his Republican predecessors, most notably Florida Congressman Mark Foley, whose actions. say some, cost the GOP the 2006 midterm elections.

This recent turn of events which has waylaid the careers of many would-be moral beacons such as Rev. Ted Haggard, leaves the Republican party in a genuine crisis: should they begin to preach a message of greater acceptance to their gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, or continue to preach a moral, but unacceptably hypocritical, message of intolerance towards gays, which would inevitably lead to more disgraceful outings in other public lavatories. At least this seems to be the burgeoning pattern.

If Larry Craig is indeed the victim of a "witch hunt," as he claims, can the public truly feel sorry for a man who has burned so many with his intolerance? What he calls a witch hunt, most would call poetic justice. And it seems as though it's just beginning. As the election grows nearer, more will be sacrificed for the GOP's greater good.

GOP senators say Craig should resign [AP]

More Than A Pardon

If there's a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. If the person has violated law, that person will be taken care of.

-President Bush, February 11, 2004

And so he shall. In a fit of contempt for the citizens of this country, President Bush commuted Vice President Dick Cheney's former Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Jr's sentence to no jail time, a $250,000 fine (reportedly to be paid by the likes of Fred Thompson) and two years probation.

"I respect the jury's verdict," Bush said in a written statement. "But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby's sentence that required him to spend 30 months in prison."

Just to clarify, the commutation of Libby's sentence is far worse than a pardon. Here's why: not only is it now far less likely that "Scooter" will squeal like a pig, but if he were pardoned he would forfeit his Fifth Amendment rights. With the commutation of his sentence, he retains them. Isn't that nice?

Happy 4th, everybody!

Bush wipes away Libby's prison sentence [AP]

Another Day, Another Bee Gees Tribute

This is a cover of an early Bee Gees outtake from 1967 entitled "Mrs. Gillespie's Refrigerator." It runs even more obscure than their released material of that period, but it's a wonderful song.

I would highly recommend purchasing their recently released boxed set The Studio Albums 1967-1968, which includes this song plus several other amazing outtakes, b-sides and the like.

In the meantime, click here to listen to my humble cover of the song.

Enjoy.

Elijah Wood Wants To Be Your Dog

The good news is there seems to be film about the life of Iggy Pop in the works. The bad news? The person picked to play Iggy is Elijah Wood. I know what you're thinking: Did he just say "Elijah Wood"? Yes, folks. Not only has he been the front runner for the better part of a year, he also has been given Iggy's blessing.

"I think Elijah's a very good actor though. If he can play a hobbit then he should be able to play me."

I can only hope Iggy's just being gracious. I can't think of anyone less likely to capture Iggy's spirit. Then again, I can't think of any worthy candidates for the role. Is Nicholas Cage busy or something?

Iggy Pop backs Elijah Wood [Yahoo! Music]

Sarah Smile, or How To Save JT Leroy's Career

Watching the ongoing debacle that is JT Leroy (aka Laura Albert)'s career going down in flames, a funny thought occurred to me. Since it seems that Laura is not in reality an ex-junkie prostitute, or HIV positive, or a transsexual (thus rendering her "art" null and void to millions of vulture voyeurs out there demanding their literature be "real"), why not give the public what they want for a change. Since I am in an extremely generous mood today, I am going to give this idea away for free:

Sarah: The Amazon Reviews.

Good, heh? Since Laura wrote the majority of the reviews herself anyway (the ones with five stars attached to them; you'll have to read for a bit) under a variety of pseudonyms, she can claim ownership to them. It can be presented as a series of correspondences complete with her fake reader reviewer names and dates (although I'm told most of the dates are real). And to make things more interesting, I'm sure the actual reviewers will be more than happy to lend their written work to this surefire-hit.

And it'll be real. Oprah can back this one with pride. Millions, I'm tellin' ya, millions!

Here's a first draft. See what you think.

PS. Publishers, if you use the idea, all I request is Special Thanks to my pseudonym, Baron von Pretzelkins, an ex-junkie, ex-Nazi reformed truck driver-lesbian with a really bad sugar addiction. I'd really appreciate it.

Booker T & The MGs at Rockefeller Park

Just wanted to let you know that the legendary Booker T & The MGs are giving a free concert (with guest vocalist Sharon Jones) at Rockefeller Park at 7pm tonight. I had the pleasure of catching them a couple of years ago in Memphis and, believe me, they still got it. It should be Booker T-riffic! Don't miss it!

Click here for the details.

Dynamite Magazine Cover Archive

If you're as...um...mature as I (am), you'll probably remember these magazine covers scaring the hell out of you when you were a kid as well. Courtesy of retrocrush.com (by way of Bedazzled), here is a collection of Dynamite magazine covers that will shock you, thrill you and then shock you yet again as you clamour for the safety of the space underneath your couch where you're sure to remain for the rest of the month.

Enjoy.

Falwell Dead at 73: God's Will?

Say what you want about Jerry Falwell; the man was definitely influential. With Falwell's death, the continued strength of the Moral Majority may be in question. It seems unlikely that any other religious leader could get away with a fraction of the faux pas Falwell had gracefully endured over the years. Here's a greatest hits, of sorts:

• In 1999, he told an evangelical conference that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was probably already alive.
  
  
• Shortly after the 11 September 2001 attacks, he said that gays, atheists, civil-rights activists and legal abortions in the US had angered God and "helped this happen".
  
  
• In 1999, he denounced the BBC TV children's show The Teletubbies, because he believed one character, Tinky Winky, was homosexual.

To be fair, perhaps Falwell's "passion" derived from a rather sordid past, which he readily admitted. Falwell's father and his grandfather were both atheists who made fortunes bootlegging during prohibition. He'd had his own troubles with the law, describing himself as a "juvenile delinquent" before becoming a born again Christian at the age of 19.

Despite his frequently misguided viewpoints, the moral climate continued to turn in Falwell's direction. John McCain, who denounced Falwell as an "agent of intolerance" during his 2000 presidential election, recently back peddled on those comments during his recent Meet The Press appearance last month.

So the question remains: has the fanatically moral dream died along with its most prominent dreamer? We can only hope for the best.

Evangelist Jerry Falwell dies [REUTERS]

Bowery Poetry Club Book Event: May 9th

An event is being held to launch a book entitled Third Rail: The Poetry of Rock and Roll. It will be held at the Bowery Poetry Club on May 9th starting at 7:30pm. It appears to be a free event. It also appears that I'll be performing two songs after Daniel Nester's reading and right before Paul Muldoon's band, Racket (I've heard they're fantastic). The sparse ad on BPC's website also lists "others," of which I must be one. Anyway, I'll be doing some Queen-related material. A splendid time is guaranteed for all.

The Bowery Poetry Club
308 Bowery, New York, NY 10012
(212) 614-0505
7:30pm

Tootie's Last Suit at the Tribeca Film Festival

"Tootie's Last Suit," a film for which I was Assistant Editor, will be shown at the Tribeca Film Festival this year. I am extremely excited to see the film complete and on the big screen. It's a wonderful film about the history, trials and tribulations of the Mardi Gras Indians and one of their greatest chiefs, Tootie Montana. Here are the available screenings:

Thu, May 3, 8:45pm
AMC 34th Street Theater 14 (Map)
$18

Fri, May 4, 7:45pm
AMC 34th Street Theater 10 (Map)
$18

Sat, May 5, 1:00pm
AMC 34th Street Theater 13 (Map)
$18

Sun, May 6, 10:15am
AMC 34th Street Theater 10 (Map)
$18

I Heartattack Huckabees

Here's two clips that features Lily Tomlin and director David O. Russell goading each other into violence on the set of I Heart Huckabees. In the first clip, Russell reaches his breaking point, calling Tomlin every name the sun. The second clip (also featuring a relatively calm Dustin Hoffman) is more one-sided, as it's almost impossible to hear what Russell is saying.

I have no idea what initially sparked the tension here (let alone who's wrong or right), I only know I found these clips way more entertaining than the film.

Enjoy.

Click here for Part One.
Click here for Part Two.

This Is Where I Came In

Here's my little Bee Gees tribute. It's a song that, in my humble opinion, should have been a massive hit. Not that my version is likely to alter the Brothers Gibb's fortunes, but I felt like taking a crack at it. It's a song from their final 2001 album This Is Where I Came In, what the teenyboppers call the "title track" from said album.

I tried not to make it slavish imitation this time, although you can clearly hear where my Robin ends and my Barry begins. The weakest link here would be my Maurice, as he's the one who played the acoustic guitar on the original, and mine's not quite up to scratch.

Click here to listen to the song.

Best Thing I've Heard/Seen All Week

I have no idea what this is (other than "A Columbia Films Presentation") or where it came from, but this is the best thing I've seen and heard all week. The only way to describe this music is Can trying to sound like Traffic in a Bollywood motion picture (a comment from the entry says "the actor is legend RAJNIKANT." No idea who that is). But it's got soul and it's super bad. Well worth watching and listening to. If anyone has a clue exactly what this is, let me know.

A Man Called Pantone

Well, our latest Baked Ziti Production, an action-adventure masterpiece entitled "Pantone," has been completed and already rejected by both Channels 101 & 102. Oh well. Call us fools, but we're still rather fond of it. But don't let us sway your opinion. Have a look yourself.

Click on the image to download it.

Good Ol' New York Post

According to the New York Post, Al Qaeda terrorists in Iraq planned to sneak into the United States with student visas and carry out a "devastating new round of 9/11-style attacks".

Lt. Gen. Michael Maples, head of the Defense Intelligence Agency, recently submitted written testimony to Congress based on a classified report that revealed al Qaeda "was planning terrorist operations in the U.S."
Maples gave no details but sources told ABC the plot may have involved as many as 20 terrorists slipping in to the United States using student visas - just like some of the 19 conspirators who carried out the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks.The names of the suspects are known and they are being hunted in Iraq and other countries, ABC said. They were described as closely tied to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the leader of al Qaeda in Iraq who was killed last June 7.

Wild story, almost nothing to back it up and, oh yeah, isn't President Bush's speech defending his sending more troops to Iraq tonight? Hmmm. I guess the other New York papers just aren't as sharp as the Post. They missed this one entirely.

Fucking pathetic. Truly.

CHILLING PLOT FOR 9/11 II [New York Post]

An Inconvenient Trough

I finally got around to watching the Al Gore film, An Inconvenient Truth, this weekend and I gotta tell ya, there's some scary shit heading our way if global warming doesn't cease.

The scariest thing is Gore's predictions of what will happen to Manhattan in about ten years or less if we don't start making efforts to reverse the damage. The image above is from the film. The clip actually shows my apartment building as one of the first ones to go. To put it mildly, no film in recent history has hit this close to home.

I'm sure you're asking yourselves "Does he have the nerve to take a universal issue such as global warming and make it all about himself?" In a word, yes. I've never been the greatest swimmer. I have pets, if that sways you. Anything I can say that will make you buy an electric or solar-powered car, I'll say it.

I am asking you, North America, China and parts of Europe, to please put a stop to this global catastrophe (and this is the important part) before my apartment building is underwater. If you can't do it for yourselves, do it for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Just to be on the safe side, I probably won't be renewing my lease.

Click on the image to watch the clip from "An Inconvenient Truth: A Global Warning."

It's Nine Below Zero and Five Minutes to Midnight

Since this blog has become such a bummer lately, I feel compelled to give you another bummer announcement: the Doomsday Clock has been adjusted for the first time in five years to 11:55pm. To makes matters worse, sources report that there is no snooze feature.

Also, be sure to check out armageddononline.org for all of your Armageddon needs.

A New Photograph of Robert Johnson?

There is currently a post on eBay featuring this photograph. It is, allegedly, a lost photograph of the late King of the Delta Blues, Robert Johnson. There are only two known and authorized photographs of Johnson known to exist. There have been no bids placed yet, but the starting bid is $795,000.

I mean, for that much you'd at least expect a movie, right?

Robert Johnson - Original Photograph [eBay]

"Sneaky" Pete Kleinow Dead at 69

"Sneaky" Pete Kleinow, best known as an original member of the Flying Burrito Brothers and one of the greatest ever players of the pedal steel guitar, has died from Alzheimer's Disease-related complications at the ridiculously young age of 69.

Now, whenever someone I admire dies, I usually have a preferred victim in mind. In this case, unsurprisingly, it's Don Henley. The man who, along with Glenn Frey, Don Meisner and Bernie Leadon, (a former Burrito Brother; shame on him) who jumped ship to play with the group of hacks I refer to as the Eagles. Now, I'm sure I've noted several times how the Eagles have ripped off and polished the Burrito's style for their own infinite profit, but it bears repeating (To be fair, Bernie Leadon left before they became super rich, so I guess that counts for something). Don Henley reportedly keeps his mind sharp by counting his money, so it's doubtful that he will go the same way as Sneaky Pete. But isn't it more than a little unfair that such a mediocre-at-best musician should survive such a brilliant one? I think so.

If you want to do yourself a favor, pick up the Flying Burrito Brothers' 1969 classic The Gilded Palace of Sin, one of the greatest albums ever. You'll be glad you did.

Flying Burrito Brothers rocker Pete Kleinow dies [REUTERS]