Warning: Vicious Killer Dog Approacheth!

For those of you who don't know, this is my dog Aimee. As usual, she is at rest. I have noticed lately that when I walk her, the other pedestrians seem incredibly afraid of her. God knows why. She wouldn't harm a fly, literally. There was a fly buzzing around in my apartment yesterday. Aimee immediately became very frightened and proceeded to cower in the corner, shivering slightly. She was a stray named "Amelia" when we met her two years ago, and she had what was diagnosed as a neurological disorder which caused her back legs to pump up and down uncontrollably. Adorable as it was, I did worry about her health, though the vet told us that, although the disorder didn't hurt her, the condition may never improve. In time, it did improve and the shaking stopped. Her energy level is still extremely low, even for a dog. I guess that, plus her incredibly sweet disposition, makes her the perfect apartment dog. If you happen to see her on the street, the LAST thing she would ever do is bite anyone. Don't be afraid.

God Save My Blog

After a long absence, Dan Nester's blog is back with all-new disturbing Queen-esque artwork and a new title: God Save My Blog. Check it out! First link on the right.

Stupidity Is Just Around the Corner, Part Two

While I was away, I received a forwarded email from a neighbor of mine, a designer named Matt Ipcar, who was as bothered by the "Osama Votes Kerry" stencils as I was. While I took a mini vacation, Matt took action. The email read as follows:

Dear Brooklyn friends (and honorary brooklynites),



Last week I noticed a few stenciled and spray painted signs on mailboxes and lamp posts around the 'hood (2 on our corner Henry & baltic) that say: "OSAMA VOTES KERRY"



So, as a sunday afternoon crafts & anger management project, I prepared the attached labels and have pasted them on all the signs that I've seen. problem is, since the bad guy's one is a stencil and they're probably in some sort of huge gas guzzling vehicle, there are probably a lot more scattered around.



I ask you, fellow Americans, If you've seen these signs to print the attached PDF out on sticker paper ( off your inkjet printer ) and go to town. they are formatted to fit Avery brand mailing labels code#86111. It's your duty.



if you are graphics minded, feel free to enlarge them.



cheers,

matt

Click here to download the PDF file.

Booing Jews in Philly

A few weeks back, a friend of mine went to see comedian Todd Barry at a venue in Philadelphia called North Star Bar. It was a situation where he was performing between musical acts. It was late on a Tuedsay evening and the venue was fairy empty except for a handful of rowdies, about fifty people in all. According to my friend, Todd began telling a joke about a customized yamakuh made to look like a slice of watermelon (the routine normally goes like this). However, on this particular evening, Todd tried setting up the joke by asking if there were any Jewish people in the audience. The response was predominantly boos and hisses. Todd, ever the pro, used the reaction well, though he still seemed a little shaken. He congratulated one of the audience members for her dazzling lexicon ("See?", said Barry, "She even knows the lingo. Jewhater...").



Here is a short mp3 of the incident. My friend tells me the booing was far louder in the actual venue.



As a former resident of Philadelphia, I find this all deeply disturbing.

Stupidity Is Just Around the Corner

While walking my dog the other day, I spotted something on the sidewalk not half a block away from my home (in front of the Brooklyn/New York State Department of Education building). There, stenciled on the ground were the words, "Osama Votes Kerry." Normally, I associate stenciling with more liberal sentiments like "FREE TIBET NOW!" or "STOP THE WAR." This was a bit of a shocker. Confused, I feverishly sought any potential clarification. I stumbled across this site by Googling the words "Osama Votes Kerry," but this wasn't very much help. Next, I found this site, WhackBush2004, which contained the following entry:

I was walking on the Brooklyn Bridge yesterday, and someone had spraypainted "Osama Votes Kerry." Ignoring the logistics of how someone without American citizenship will be voting, why would Osama vote for Kerry? Osama's doing pretty well for himself under Bush.

The above entry was dated July 25th. Okay..um..does this mean that the phantom spraypainter is moving ever-so-closer to my address? Why doesn't Tom Ridge address THAT? I just feel so politically violated......

The Real Sushi Samba

This morning, a horrible thing happened.



I was on the C train this morning. A couple entered the C train at High Street. The husband looked remarkably like Sacha Baron Cohen (Da Ali G Show) in one of his many disguises. I noticed he was eating breakfast on the train. A common annoyance, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then I realized he was eating sushi. For breakfast (Okay, I know you're going to give me the argument that the Japanese often eat rice and fish for breakfast, but this is entirely different). On the C train. With chopsticks. While standing! To make matters worse, he was practically forcing his wife to eat the sushi, repeatedly saying "Mmmmmm!" in a VERY loud voice. Just when I feared he was going to start making airplane noises (single engine, no doubt), they mercifully got off at the Canal Street station.



Now, I get irritated when there's a passenger with an open container of coffee on the subway, fearing the train will suddenly jerk and some unsuspecting victim soaked. But I can justify this as normal, if somewhat inconsiderate. I am not, however, prepared to take a faceful of Spicy Tuna! If this becomes a trend, I will seriously have to consider moving. And I LOVE sushi. But this was bad bad sushi. The kind that comes in the cheesy little black plastic container that we all know and love. The kind that Sushi Express would throw back. Dig?



You know what? I have a better idea. I'll start a new trend. Tomorrow morning, I will travel the subways with a very large lasagna, asking the other passengers if they want a piece. I'll rub my tummy repeatedly, signifying the lasagna's unquestionable goodness.



Well, I have my work cut out for me. I'll see you tomorrow.

Being for the Benefit of Sgt. Pepper

I'm truly beginning to hate rock critics. It seems the more relevant the subject matter, the more irrelevant they reveal themselves to be. For example, Jim DeRogatis has recently published a book entitled Kill Your Idols, a collection of essays meant as a "carbon copy/evil flip side/sarcastic Generation X response" to an earlier collection called Stranded: Rock and Roll for a Desert Island featuring Dave Marsh, Lester Bangs, etc. praising their favorite rock and roll recordings.



On his website, DeRogatis describes his book as "a spirited assault on a pantheon that has been foisted upon us." Not only is this miles away from being an original concept, I find it to be incredibly hypocritical from a man who not only has written for Rolling Stone (the vehicle that more or less built the aforementioned pantheon), but who also questions "whether an art form as loud, rude and unruly as rock 'n' roll should even have a canon in the first place." Then why add to it with this self-important compilation? I resent the smug notion that I, or any other rock fan, love Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band because I am unconsciously attaching a undeserved cultural relevance to it. This is a completely antiquated notion, and it seems as though DeRogatis (who is closer to a baby boomer than the GenX'er he claims to be) may not only be experiencing a midlife crisis, but has lost his sense of cultural perspective. Sgt. Pepper's has not endured because of its listeners' feelings of nostalgia, even if it supposedly captured the spirit of its day. He also contradicts himself when he compares the album to the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds, betraying his argument (however inconsistent) that music should be listened to objectively. Granted, Pet Sounds is a far superior album, but that's not the point.



I guess the real point is that this book has already been done to near perfection. It's called Worst Rock-And-Roll Records of All Time by Jimmy Guterman and Owen O'Donnell. This book is not only hilarious, it contains far superior writing and a genuine sense of humor, more a pie-in-the-face compared to the humorless stoning offered up by DeRogatis and friends. Guterman and O'Donnell sum their ideals up thusly:

An important part of being a good rock and roll fan is reveling in songs so laughable it's hard to believe any sane record company released them. We have two goals here: to be funny and to infuriate.

In other words, like all good assassins, they ultimately turn the gun on themselves in the end. They never claim to be above listening to a Melanie record, they merely pretend to be above praising it.



I think they succeed where DeRogatis fails.