Think Outside Your Current Waistline

Just when you thought the culinary world had progressed a tiny step after McDonald's announced a "cease-fire" on the super sizing, Taco Bell goes and makes them look like stingy fools. Announcing their "Big Bell Value Menu" featuring, among other delicacies, the 1/2 Pound Beef Combo Burrito, now with "double the portion of seasoned beef," Taco Bell is attempting the corral the bottomless buffet crowd with a heart-stopping array of oversized treats.

While I'm on the subject, you simply must check out Crazy Gordita's site. Personally, I would have preferred his original moniker, Loco Phat (as opposed to The Gordita Bandito, for example). Billed as "The Best Taco Bell Website in the World," it is a hilarious, well-researched TB cyber wonderland authored by a man who regularly ingests way too much sugar. Be sure to check out the comparison articles where Crazy compares TB to McDonald's, Burger King and other would-be competitors.

Arthur "Killer" Kane Dead at 55

Arthur "Killer" Kane, bass player for the New York Dolls, is dead at 55. There are conflicting reports concerning the cause of death. Both reports cite "complications," one from leukemia, one from pneumonia. This comes at a particularly sad time, as the Dolls were staging something of a comeback, reuniting for long time fan Morrissey's recent UK tour. An album of new material was also planned to be released later this year. It is not yet known whether the band will continue.

Kane is the fouth member of the Dolls to die. Billy Murcia, their original drummer, died under mysterious circumstances during a tour of the UK in late 1972. Johnny Thunders, their lead guitarist, died in 1991 of a drug overdose. Jerry Nolan, Murcia's replacement, died early 1992 after suffering a stroke and lapsing into a coma while being treated for bacterial meningitis and bacterial pneumonia in the hospital.

Want Some Freedom Fries With That?

"You don't support Democrats," the ad for W Ketchup reads, "why should your ketchup?" What can I really say about this? This is truly the dumbest thing I've seen in my entire life.



In case you don't get the "joke," this product exists in order to draw attention to Teresa Heinz Kerry's ketchup-based fortune. The manufacturers claim that "W" stands for "Washington" and has nothing to do with George "Warbucks" Bush. My prediction: the few remaining on-the-fence voters NOT swayed by Fahrenheit 9/11 will surely embrace the Kerry-Edwards ticket after seeing this idiotic display.



So much for avoiding politics....

Harry Truman Returns From Dead To Ridicule New York Post

33rd President of the United States Harry Truman, who died December 26, 1972, was in giddy spirits yesterday evening as he held aloft Tuesday's New York Post with the now-infamous "Kerry Selects Gephardt" headline. "What idiots!" Truman was overheard shouting. "They're so reliable, Page Six isn't even on page six half the freakin' time! Morons!"

This Just In...

Baked Ziti has learned from our most credible, but unsubstantiated source that Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry has picked The Green Lantern as his Vice-Presidential candidate. Kerry was reported as saying "I was looking for someone extremely animated to balance out the ticket."

Brando A No-Show At Own Funeral

Marlon Brando, one of the most influential and treasured actors of his generation, was unable to attend his own funeral this week, opting instead to send a crude wooden replica of Sacheen Littlefeather in his place.

Decked out in full Native American regalia, the Best Actor oscar for 1972's "The Godfather" by her side, the wooden replica cut quite a figure. It was a small, private ceremony consisting mostly of family members. "She looks so peaceful." one attendee noted. "Like she's sleeping."

Shays Sera Sera

Seven months ago, Rep. Christopher Shays (R-Connecticut) said the following regarding citizens of Connecticut:

"You gotta be a fool, frankly, to go on New Year's night to Times Square. I mean, I can't understand why people do that. Just one hand grenade thrown in the air and people panicking. It's just too tempting a target."

Well, no argument about New York being a tempting target. I'm just getting a little tired of people, mostly well-meaning relatives who have never visited me here, saying "You're staying in New York for the fourth of July?! Okay, well it's your funeral!" I have a really nice family.

Anyway, I was talking to my friend Doug Jahnke about it and he solved the conundrum thusly: "If terrorists blow up New York, why would you still want to remain alive?"

Good point, if you ask me. No matter what happens, have a great Fourth of July.