It Shouldn't Happen To A Dog

To those who love to be reduced to a subhuman gender stereotype, Clare Staples' book Everything I Know About Men I Learnt From My Dog will be a fabulous read.

Here are some tips "for bagging different types of dog-man" from Clare's book:

The unavailable one
Man tip: Men are genetically programmed to be hunter-gatherers. They like to pursue things and the harder the things are to catch, the more valued they become. Don't be too easy. Be elusive and flighty and men will go to any lengths to win you.
Dog tip: All dogs want what they can't have.

The Alpha Male:
Man tip: When he is around others, let your man be a man. Men judge other men and decide on their status by three things: physical size, wealth, and the woman by their side. Don't criticize, belittle or be sarcastic to your man in front of anyone.
Dog tip: A dog needs to think he is top dog. When he is around other dogs, he doesn't want them to know he has an owner and a boss.

The independent spirit:
Man tip: Don't call your man, text him or turn up at his house unexpectedly no matter what. Let him do the chasing. Always end the call or visit before he does; you want to have him feeling as though you are always slightly out of his reach.
Dog tip: If you chase a dog, it will run away. The more you chase, the more he will run. There is just something in his nature that makes him do this no matter how much he loves you and how much he loves being with you. If you turn your back on him and walk away quickly he will come running after you, determined to catch up with you and be by your side.

This degrading attitude toward both sexes would Cosmopolitan blush. "Be elusive and flighty and men will go to any lengths to win you?" Maybe she should just reread He's Just Not That Into You.

Candace Bushnell, in the book's forward, writes:"By the simple act of comparing men to dogs, Staples has achieved what a hundred years of psychology and self-help books haven't: She has finally made the male sex comprehensible."

Said the failed actress about the washed up model's book. Meow!

- Down, Boy [New York Post]

Michael Brown Goes Down

Michael Brown, pictured here trying to visually demonstrate how little Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin helped to evacuate New Orleans before hurricane Katrina hit, was skewered by a special congressional committee yesterday.

"I'm happy you left," said Rep. Christopher Shays, R-Conn, referring to Brown's reassignment. "That kind of look in the lights like a deer tells me you weren't capable of doing that job."

"Oh yeah? Well fuck you and your wife!", said Brown angrily before he and Shays were pulled apart by Democratic Rep. of Louisiana, William Jefferson.

In a later testy exchange, Shays compared Brown's performance unfavorably with that of "a mentally challenged narcoleptic with both hands tied behind his back".

When asked if he had ANY regrets about how the emergency was handled, Brown only said "I very strongly personally regret that I was unable to persuade Gov. Blanco and Mayor Nagin to sit down, get over their differences, and work together. I just couldn't pull that off."

Apparently Brown didn't realize that Gov. Blanco and Mayor Nagin have been happily married for 12 years.

Committee Chairman Tom Davis pushed Brown on what he and his agency should have done to evacuate New Orleans. "That is not FEMA's role," Brown said. "FEMA doesn't evacuate communities." After being reminded that FEMA stands for Federal Evacuation Management Agency, Brown was flustered. "You can't expect me to know what all the acronyms in the world stand for! You just want me to be your acronym Superman, I guess!" Brown pounded the table fiercely before falling on the floor in a fetal position and sucking his thumb.

- Brown Shifts Blame for Katrina Response [AP]

Bulletproof This!

Washington is investigating a company called Second Chance Body Armor who manufactures bulletproof vests for prominent citizens including the President of the United States. It seems as though their product was faulty, as the vests tended to deteriorate and malfunction when repeatedly exposed to light, moisture and heat. Also, Federal investigators are looking into whether the company concealed the defects even as it sold vests to the government and police agencies.

So let me get this straight. A morally questionable administration puts a large number of people in harm's way and then tries to cover up its ineptitude. Hmmm, where I have heard this story before? It's on the tip of my tongue.

- Summary: Maker of Defective Vests Probed [AP]

WMG's Vanishing History, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love The Incubator Initiative

Jackson Browne, Linda Ronstadt, The Eagles, Joni Mitchell, Bread, Tom Waits, Warren Zevon and Judee Sill. All names you know, right? Ok, not Judee Sill (but you should know her!). My point is this: they all recorded music during the 1970's on a label known as Asylum Records. Asylum Records was formed by David Geffen in 1972 before Elektra and Asylum were consolidated in 1974 by Warner Bros. and Geffen left to form Geffen Records in 1980.

Or was it all just a dream? Apparently, to the Warner Music Group, it was. In a press release celebrating Paul Wall's album reaching #1 on the charts, WMG had this to say:

Wall's album is the 3rd top ten hit for Warner Music Group's newly established Asylum Records since it was created a year ago as part of the company's incubator initiative. "I am thrilled that so many people are realizing Paul Wall's talent," said Todd Moscowitz, president, Asylum Records. "Our ability to identify and partner with some of the leading urban labels in the industry and help them take their artists to the next level truly validates the incubator initiative and the value that these partnerships create for everyone involved. First, Mike Jones, then Webbie, now Paul Wall, it's been a great year for Asylum Records."

In English, it seems that WMG is relaunching the Asylum label (the name kinda resembles Death Row, right?) as an attempt to cash in on the current rap market. But why use a name that already exists, even if it is in the past tense? Are WMG trying to distance themselves from their mostly white audience by overwriting the history of the label that brought you Bread, Jackson Browne and the like? It seems a bit sinister to me. And if anyone can explain to me exactly what the Incubator Initiative is, I would greatly appreciate it.

To see the "new" Asylum Records site, go here.

To view the history and discography of the real Asylum Records, go here.


- Asylum Records' Paul Wall Debuts at #1 [Reuters]

Special Report: A Trip To North Korea

Nigel Robson, our on-location staff reporter, has submitted a wonderful piece about his recent trip to North Korea. He and his wife, Young-hae, visited North Korea in August of this year, and they were nice enough to give Baked Ziti an exclusive (Take that, Paula Zahn!). This special report is available both here and in the "Places" portion of the main site (use the appropriate link on the main banner).

Many thanks again to Nigel and Young-hae for their efforts.

Tom Waits Inadvertently Sues Louis Armstrong For Imitating His Voice

When General Motors opted to use Louis Armstong's "What A Wonderful World" to advertise its 2005 Buick LaSabre, Tom Waits apparently hit the roof. "I had been approached to do the ad, and after I declined they apparently used a soundalike," said Waits. At a baffling press conference, Waits also said:

"I am diametrically opposed to the use of my work in advertisements. It's like sticking a catalytic converter into my spleen: It's painful and you won't get much mileage on unleaded."

Most of Waits's speech was rendered unintelligible due to his speaking through a very large pencil sharpener as a makeshift megaphone. GM refused comment. DEVELOPING.....

- Waits Wails over Car Ad [Yahoo! Music]

Two New Baked Ziti Radio Hour Episodes!

That's right! Two more episodes for your listening pleasure. Now in stereo!

Download the episodes here:
Episode 7
Episode 8
(You can also find the links at the top right-hand side of the site, along with the previous six episodes.)

Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown Dead At 81

If you never got the chance to see this guy in concert, too bad. He was an absolute dynamo, possessing a unique ability at both guitar and fiddle, and able to combine blues, country, jazz and Cajun music beautifully and effortlessly. I was lucky enough to see him perform about 5 years ago at Symphony Space; he played for three hours (this was a man in his late 70's, mind you) practically by himself. I was absolutely exhausted by the end, so energetic was his performance. Brown died in Orange, Texas away from his Slidell, La. (a community near New Orleans) home, which had been destroyed by Hurricane Katrina few days prior. His death constitutes a huge loss to the music world.

- 'Gatemouth' Brown Dead At 81 [CBS News]

Ray Davies: New Orleans Thought and Memories

I know this is a bit long, but I just wanted to give this article more play than it is otherwise likely to get (yeah, I know, approximately 5 more people will read it as a result of this post). But I found this to be an insightful viewpoint from one of my heroes regarding the current state of New Orleans, especially considering his being shot there about a year ago:

New Orleans - The ideal place to get shot
by Ray Davies

Away from the partying it was obvious to a dedicated follower of the city that disaster was around the corner

I SPENT the early part of last year in New Orleans recovering from gunshot wounds received as I was being robbed. It happened in the early evening as I walked down a quiet street with my girlfriend. There was a football game in town and the streets near the French Quarter were empty. The police presence was elsewhere. The incident itself was over in a flash but it plays over and over in my head and perhaps one day it will make sense to me.
I found out later that there were fewer than 2,000 police in New Orleans at that time and it reached such a point that there was talk of the city was importing officers from Cleveland. Anyway, thanks to someone’s mobile phone, the police eventually got to the scene.

Later, as I was carried into the emergency room at Charity hospital, a doctor reassured me that “New Orleans really is the best place to get shot”. They had, he explained, had plenty of practice.

The same week I was shot, I read that three other tourists were killed near to where I was attacked. Tourists were urged not to fight back after being mugged (I was continually reminded of this by the district attorney’s officials, who were critical of the way I chased the man who robbed my girlfriend).

There were additional complications to my injuries and my gunshot wounds were not as clean as first thought. Before I was taken in for my first operation, a priest came and gave me a little spiritual assistance. Later I was even serenaded by a nurse who whispered slow, mournful gospel songs in the style of Mahalia Jackson.

During my initial week-long stay in hospital and lengthy recuperation, I observed first-hand the bankruptcy of the New Orleans health system. Several doctors who treated me actually apologised for the low standard of healthcare in Louisiana. Even so, they gave me the best of what they did have, for which I am grateful.

I have just looked through some notes in the diary I made after I was operated on and one seems chillingly relevant. “How can the USA be expected to look after the whole world when it cannot even look after its own?” So it doesn’t surprise me to see the world reacting with shock to the “Third World” conditions in New Orleans “in this, the richest and most powerful country in the world”. I could have told them that.

But I have been astonished by the reactions and apparent shame of some of the US television reporters who seemed overwhelmed to discover that there actually is poverty in America. They made me want to grab my television and shout “Hello, dear reporter, yes, America actually does have poor and underprivileged people as well. Hello, yes, the President might well be slow to react but at times like this, that’s all that an over-burdened, out-of-touch president can be.”

After watching the scenes on television in the past few days, it occurred to me that if any place in the world could survive this catastrophe, it would be New Orleans. Significantly, in the most deprived parts of the city, there are churches and Gospel halls. Faith has to be strong because often it is all most of the people have.

When I was last in New Orleans, I was driven around the city by a friend who pointed out the pump houses that seemed antiquated to me even then. The levees seemed insufficient for the amount of water surrounding the city. The roads were uneven and the tap water pressure in most houses was weak. The whole system appeared improvised, but according to my friend it all “seemed to have worked well enough so far given that there is not enough funding to improve it ”. Locals would joke: “Yep, it is like the Third World but, hey, this is N’Awlins. Nothin’s perfect. That’s what’s so great about it.”

I agreed but deep down I felt the whole infrastructure was very fragile. New Orleans is a party town, after all, and when tourists walk down Bourbon Street drinking frozen Daiquiri during Jazz Fest, crime, unemployment and environmental issues are far from their minds.

It was clear to me, however, that away from all the festivities something disastrous was on the cards. Too many things pointed in that direction. Why didn’t the people who are supposed to be experts on this stuff react sooner? The problem we all know by now is money. Budgets. America’s preoccupation with wars overseas. Nobody cares about the poor. Etc, etc.

At the time of my shooting I was trying to develop a musical event for a local school in New Orleans to raise funds for instruments and new uniforms for them to wear at Mardi Gras. Music, particularly in the school marching bands, gives many of the kids down there an opportunity to participate in the local community. This in turn raises their expectations and it is to be hoped, stops them descending into the local drug and gang culture waiting around the corner. I was due back later in the year to put on a show for Thanksgiving to raise a few extra bucks for the community. This all seems so trivial now.

But the reality is that without its music New Orleans would have been a forgotten city long ago. The music of the American South inspired me and helped to shape me as a musician. They say that jazz started on Perdido Street in New Orleans and even Louis Armstrong honed his trade in the honky-tonks on Bourbon Street.

I owe as much to music of the Southern states as I do to the British music that inspired me. If New Orleans is allowed to die, a crucial part of the world’s musical heritage will disappear.

Right now, the flooded streets of New Orleans might seem just an American responsibility but sometimes even the most powerful people need help. Whatever we think of George W. Bush we cannot take it out on the poor and needy in Louisiana and Mississippi. (He won’t be there in four years — they will.) Numerous people befriended me while I was there. Gradually, word is getting back to me that they are safe. One friend made it to Dallas with her family. Others are now scattered across the South: Jackson, Mississippi, Memphis. One musician friend is still missing.
I think about what has happened to some of the faceless, scary “neighbours” who kept me awake at night while they partied and chanted songs on the corner of St Claude and Governor Nichols when I last stayed there. I hope they made it.

And lastly, I think about the bicycle I left behind. New Orleans is almost entirely flat — as the world knows all too well now — and I found that a bike ride was a great way to get around while strengthening my injured leg.

When I left last year I forgot to put the padlock on my bike. Whoever took it, I pray that they get to ride it around the French Quarter again soon.

[http://www.timesonline.co.uk/]

I Am Addicted To House Of Cosbys

After my previous post, I was so tangled up in the Bill Cosby Talks To Kids About Drugs mp3s that I completely overlooked the now-cancelled Channel 101 series, House Of Cosbys. Now, I am completely hooked. There's something about four or five guys doing horrendously bad Cosby impersonations that is undeniably funny. Check it out here.

Again, thanks to Bill Cawley and waxy.org for the much-needed chuckle-inducement.

Bill Cosby Terrifies Your Children!

Thanks in advance to Bill Cawley for turning me on to this one:

There is a wonderful and crazy site called waxy.org that I strongly recommend you check out. About a week ago, there was a Bill Cosby extravaganza, the crown jewel being an entire album from 1971 entitled Bill Cosby Talks To Kids About Drugs. The entire album is available for download here. Do it, you won't be sorry. If you're extremely busy today (I seem to be the only one at my office this morning), just download "Captain Junkie" and "Dope Pusher." It will tickle you and disturb you at the same time. Bill Cosby has this power. You'll have no doubts after hearing this.

Whack-Your-Boss-Mania!

This is the most fun I've ever had with a Flash file. This gives you a myriad of ways to kill your boss without hurting anyone. A true classic! It's been almost a week and it seems to stand the test of time.

Go here to load the file.