Tom DeLay Has Seconds To Live

Let's face it: when Law & Order fearlessly gets on your case, your as good as toast. I have a $50 bet going with a friend of mine that says DeLay goes nowhere. This country has no accountability and, therefore, DeLay will not be fired nor will he be asked to step down. But now, the ruling against Bill Ceverha, the airfare scandal picking up steam, etc., I'm starting to feel like I may be out 50 bucks after all. The Law & Order episode in question deals with suspects who are right-wing extremists. In the episode, police are frustrated by a lack of clues, leading one officer to quip, "Maybe we should put out an APB (all-points-bulletin) for somebody in a Tom DeLay T-shirt."

Yeah, I can pretty much kiss the 50 bucks goodbye. Right?

- NBC clashes with Tom DeLay on Law & Order

Burt Reynolds Shoots And Kills Producer Who Hadn't Seen Stroker Ace

In a truly shocking turn of events, Burt Reynolds was arrested yesterday following the homicidal shooting of a television producer attempting to interview Reynolds for CBS News PATH, which provides video footage to affiliate stations. Though Reynold's spokesperson states that Burt was "just being playful," those who witnessed the crime think he might have taken the "joke" too far.

The producer was asking Reynolds about his new movie "The Longest Yard" outside the premiere Tuesday night when the actor appeared to become annoyed. "You don't know anything about the movie?" Reynolds, 69, asked the producer for CBS News PATH, which provides video footage to affiliate stations. The producer acknowledged he hadn't seen it or the original 1974 version — and then Reynolds repeatedly shot him, shouting "You stupid m*****f*****, do you know who you're talking to? I'll rip your ******** and make it a new ******** and your mother's ******** ..."

Jeff Lane, a spokesman for Reynolds, said in a statement that Reynolds "playfully shot (the producer) in the neck, as if to say, 'Well, that's not very nice.' He was kidding." He also claims that Reynolds regularly plays the same joke on Dom DeLuise.

- Burt Reynolds Slaps Television Producer

How To Talk Like A Philadelphian

Hi, people. Sorry I haven't written anything in a few days, but I'm in the process of moving.

Anyway, here's a golden oldie for you. This is sort of in poor taste, as it's a Mothers Against Drunk Driving ad, but the man in the commercial epitomizes the Philadelphia accent, and his acting is so poor, I couldn't resist.

Apologies in advance for the poor quality of the source tape.

Click here to view

Special Report: Has Robert Smigel Finally Gone Too Far?

Well, I don't know about you, but I was somewhat disturbed by the Saturday TV Funhouse that aired on SNL's May 15 show. It parodies a old Hanna-Barbera cartoon character named Shazzan (renamed Shazzang for SNL), a 60 foot tall genie who defends a pair of hapless twins, Chuck and Nancy, from various Arabian evildoers with assistance from a flying but not-quite-talking camel named Kaboobie. Shazzan has a habit of being rather cheeky as he thwarts his tiny opponents, taunting them with a beguiling array of wiseacre remarks. In Smigel's version, Shazzang takes it several steps further through the use of excessive violence and torture.

As always, the parodic aspect of the piece is first-rate. The satirical point, however, is a bit cloudy. Sure, you could say that Smigel is angrily holding up a mirror to society, juxtaposing yesterday's innocently righteous hero with the vengeful, righteous violence junkie of today. And, yes, you could argue that Smigel is presenting us with insightful commentary on similarly excessive torture being used on our enemy prisoners in Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib.

But still, this is pretty fucked up.

Click here to see a Quicktime Movie (15MB) Shazzang.mov

So Thick, It Stands Up To A Straw - Vol 5.: The Happenings, The Tokens and The Chiffons

Okay, you now get to hear the balance of the Great Shakes recordings. I lumped these groups together because almost no one remembers them. The Tokens' big hit, which you probably all know, is "The Lion Sleeps Tomight." The Happenings had a big hit with "See You In September" (though for years I though it was the Four Seasons). The Chiffons had a huge hit with one of my favorite records ever(probably because it's easy to play on the piano), "One Fine Day."

I know what you're thinking. "Gene, what about the Yardbirds? They did one too, didn't they?" Well, that's the only one that's legally available (as a CD bonus track for their final album Little Games), so I decided, for legal reasons (as if more than 50 people are reading this), not to include it. It's just a ripoff of "Over Under Sideways Down" anyway. Who wants to hear that?

Well, there you have it. You've had a whole week of Great Shakes. I hope you enjoyed it. May you be so thick that you stand up to a straw. Have a nice weekend.

Click Here to listen to the Happenings

Click Here to listen to the Chiffons

Click Here to listen to the Tokens

So Thick, It Stands Up To A Straw - Vol 4.: The Spencer Davis Group

This next installment of our Great Shakes Marathon brings with it a bit of mystery. To my ears, this sure doesn't sound like Steve Winwood on vocals. Since most of these spots were recorded around 1967, it is more than possible that Winwood had already left the band to form Traffic, and some impostor (perhaps another member of the band. Spenser himself does the "new flavours" announcement) is performing the vocals here. The truth, and what the band doesn't want you to know, is: Steve Winwood died in a fatal car crash in November 1966 and was replaced by an exact replica months later. They left several clues regarding Winwood's fate on their album sleeves. For example, on their album Gimme Some Lovin', "Steve" is actually a very human-like otter, propped up next to the other band members very closely so he wouldn't fall over (otters are known for their poor equilibrium). This theory has been repeatedly dismissed by the band, the most frequent reply to these charges being "Whaa?"

Well, enjoy the Great Shakes ad, if you can.

Click here to download

So Thick, It Stands Up To A Straw - Vol 3.: Dusty Springfield

The third installment of our series features Dusty Springfield, a diva so supreme, it prompted local cabaret pianist/singer Gerry Dieffenbach to proclaim "The higher the hair, the closer to God." Anyway, the arrangement makes fair use of the intro for Dusty's 1964 hit "I Only Want To Be With You." And though you could argue that she needed no introduction, she's the only Great Shakes participant who ever got one.

Click here to download

So Thick, It Stands Up To A Straw - Vol 2: The Blues Magoos

Today's Great Shakes radio spot features The Blues Magoos incorporating their hit "We Ain't Got Nothing Yet" into the jingle. This is more typical Great Shakes fare, as we will hear in the coming weeks. Enjoy.

Click here to download

WARNING: This one's slightly catchier than yesterday's.

So Thick, It Stands Up To A Straw - Vol 1: The Who

In the mid-to-late 1960's, there was a company called Great Shakes, which allowed you to create a homemade milkshake by just adding milk to their special powdered mix, completely bypassing your nearest soda fountain (whatever that was). It seemed revolutionary at the time (my friend, Chris, said they tasted like like shit. He just loved the jingle.). Anyway, Great Shakes used the medium of radio (whatever that was) to promote this flawed product. They created a series of ads featuring several pop artists of the era. The pop artist would usually include the intro from their latest hit before singing the jingle, which goes:

Anyplace can be a soda fountain now
With Great Shakes, yeah, Great Shakes
Shake it up with milk and make real thick shake now
Great Shakes, new Great Shakes
(here is where one member of the group would talk about new Great Shake flavors, etc. before going back into the jingle)
It's So Creamy
Thick and Dreamy
Anyplace can be a soda fountain now
With Great Shakes, yeah, Great Shakes
So if you want your own soda fountain now
Go to the store and get
Great Shakes
Great Shakes
Great Shakes

Today's featured ad is by The Who. Their spot is unique in that it seems to be an original composition instead of an identifiable song adapted for the radio spot.

Click here to download

WARNING: This is an insanely catchy jingle. You will go to the grave singing it if you listen to this clip. OK. You've been warned.

Thou Val Not Kilmer

Page Six says:

Val Kilmer — in London to star onstage in "The Postman Always Rings Twice" — has been trashing Americans, saying they are ignorant and illiterate. Asked how British audiences compared to American ones, Kilmer told London's the Sun, "They're smarter. They read books." Kilmer berates Broadway for becoming too "Vegas-like."

Wow. This from a man who couldn't manage a decent portrayal of Jim Morrison.

Y'know, I love it when actors misinterpret their celebrity for wisdom. So what's Val Kilmer's excuse? This guy couldn't get work as a bartender in this country. As John Frankenheimer once said, "I wouldn't cast him in The Val Kilmer Story." Is this the reason behind his bitterness?

Don't get me wrong. I do not for a moment believe that our nation is above criticism. Far from it. But, I will not tolerate someone as worthless as THAT throwing the stones.

Really, this is just an extension of my petty hatred of Jim Morrison. Don't take it too seriously.